Helping children cope with loss of a parent

By REBECCA WALSH

Tom was only 6 when his dad died in a boating accident off the East Coast.

It left him feeling confused and angry.

He drew a picture of himself with tears sliding down his face, a mark around his neck because he had trouble swallowing and lines around his ears for all the noise in his head.

The death of a parent or loved one has a huge impact on children and young people but there are many ways family and friends can help them through it.

Stephen Bell, director of Youthline for the Auckland region, says children and young people tend to act in one of three ways when a loved one dies.

Some move away from relationships, for example not doing things with their friends. Teenagers may change their eating habits or start taking drugs, younger children may regress to bed-wetting or disrupted sleep patterns.

Some young people become more aggressive, hyperactive or bullying.

Others try desperately hard to please, becoming too compliant.

These reactions can have hugely negative effects in the long term.

Youthline advocates helping children and young people by building resiliency.

One of the first steps towards that, Mr Bell says, is ensuring they are involved, for example in the funeral.

Acknowledging what has happened and making sure there are memories of the dead person - from photos to memories of them at their birthday - is also important.

Bice Awan, chief executive of Skylight, a national organisation working with children and young people dealing with change, loss and grief, agrees the way they react to death varies enormously.

But she says that too often the young people's grief is not acknowledged or recognised. There is an attitude of "buck up and move on". This means some young people are left to grieve alone, which can have long-term impact on their academic and general achievement, self-esteem, behaviour, relationships and health.

"Grief is different for everyone. There is no time-line for grief, there's no prescribed way of dealing with it ... We have to understand that and be prepared to be patient," she says.

"You can't bury grief. It will resurrect itself somewhere in your life."

Mr Bell says the best way for family and friends to help is to acknowledge what has happened, be available and interested in the person and encourage them to express how they are feeling.

"You need to understand it's a journey and that the wild emotions that go with it are part of that," he says.

People need to remember they cannot "fix" the situation.

"Teenagers may say and do things that are very hurtful to adults and parents. You need to be able to hold your authority in a respectful way and still be available emotionally. To have that point of reference in a young person's life when a whole lot is changing is vital but extremely difficult at times."

Mrs Awan says it can be difficult for parents who have to deal with their own sadness and loss. Help from friends and other family may be essential.

She suggests parents talk to their children honestly about life and death. With younger children it may help to put it in the context of the seasons, for example you don't forget the colours of the flowers that grew in spring and later died.

In its guide for coping with a parent's death the Cancer Society of New Zealand says young people often will need to hear and discuss things over and over. Parents should find out what they think has happened, correct and confirm the facts and help them accept their feelings.

If someone is expected to die, try to prepare children for that. Don't try to protect them by discouraging visiting or being present when the person dies. For some, seeing the body may help to establish the reality that a parent will not be returning.

Mrs Awan says it is important to talk to teenagers about what death means for them and help them understand the grieving process. Remind them it becomes easier to handle over time.

Be careful that they do not take on too much responsibility emotionally or practically within the family.

Friendships are vital to teenagers and some will want to spend more time with their friends than their family.

Some people find their culture and spirituality play a big part in helping them through grief.

Mrs Awan stresses it's important that discussions are not silenced.

"That leaves the person [experiencing] the loss feeling no one cares."

If a child or young person's experience is particularly intense or they seem depressed in an ongoing way, professional advice might be needed.