Do road rules not apply in carparks?

Because the supermarket carpark is not an actual road, do actual road rules need not apply? Photo / NZ Herald

There are actually two sets of road rules, it would seem. There are the rules that apply on the actual road, obviously, but then there is this whole other set of much less defined rules that apply when you get off the road, specifically in supermarket carparks.

In fact, within the confines of the supermarket carpark, these rules are so ill-defined they cease to be actual rules and are more like evolutionary guidelines for the survival of the fittest.

Take the simple 'we drive on the left hand side of the road' rule. At my most-frequented supermarket (yes, I'm talking about you, Countdown Richmond Rd) the lack of any road markings dividing left from right has led to the common perception that these boundaries do not apply. It is almost as if people turn off the road and, because everything automobile happens at a lower speed, hey, it's okay if I cut this corner because I just saw a parking space up ahead, right?

Some supermarkets attempt to deal with the left/right issue by attempting a sort of one-way system, defined by large arrows on the ground. For most of us, these arrows are a pretty good clue as to the desired orientation of the traffic flow. But there is always some muppet for whom these arrows do not apply in their need to arrive, park, shop, and then carry on with their oh-so-important day. "Arrows? What arrows? I didn't even see the Indians." Boom, boom.

The mindset that because the supermarket carpark is not an actual road, actual road rules need not actually apply is especially prevalent when it comes to little things like "giving way" and "stopping". The basic human instinct of "see parking space, get parking space" is much more the rule of thumb here. (Or the rule of raised middle finger if there is a dispute over said parking space.) And though we can all sympathise with the fact that at peak shopping times the supermarket carpark is like all of Dante's circles of Hell rolled into one giant circle, this does not give you the license to drive like an idiot when getting the heck out of there.

Nowhere is the warzone that is the supermarket carpark more fought over than for those privileged few parking spaces nearest the doors, also known as the "disabled" parking or the "mother and baby zone". For some the definition of "baby" is loose enough to include "fully grown adult male". There is a name for these people and it does indeed begin with the word "mother", which I guess in some small way legitimises their right to park there.
Meanwhile over in the disabled zone there are apparently a couple of new disabilities we can add to the list: Chronic Laziness (also known as I Can't Be Arsed Syndrome) and Time Challenged, which is where every minute of every day is so full of important stuff that needs doing that the stress of finding an actual carpark further away from the building would cause irreparable trauma.

Oh, and don't get me started on that other great supermarket carpark disability, the one involving such a lack of spatial awareness that the white lines on the tarmac are rendered meaningless. The car goes between the lines, people, not across them at a jaunty angle. I don't care if you're going to be in there only for a few minutes, taking up two parks through slovenly parking is simply bad manners.

Of course, the single greatest hazard in the jungle of the supermarket carpark is the random backer-outer. Yes, reversing out of your carpark is a highly complex manoeuvre that involves looking both left and right at the same time while operating a vehicle going in the less-than-usual direction (i.e. backwards) but this is still no reason to adopt the gun-it-and-hope approach to departing. Many modern automobiles have all manner of devices to help you when backing; cameras that let you see where you are going and all manner of alarms that go bing and bong when you are anywhere near a wall or an inferior vehicle. Use these devices, take heed of the warnings they send you. I don't care, Porsche Cayenne driver, if Tarquin and Tuscany are having a meltdown because you denied them chocolate at the check-out and the promise of a kale smoothie when they get home isn't calming them down, listen to your car when it tells you backing through the vehicle right behind you is physically impossible!

Supermarket carparks, man - it's a wonder anyone makes it out alive.

Next week: driving like an idiot while in your company car, the one with your company logo all over it. Is this really the best form of advertising?

- Canvas