NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Sport

Midweek Fixture: I spent a month with the Alternative Commentary Collective ... and survived

Dylan Cleaver
By Dylan Cleaver
Sports Editor at Large·NZ Herald·
14 Jul, 2017 12:45 AM13 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

The ACC commentary team: Matt Heath, Mike Lane and Jeremy Wells

The ACC commentary team: Matt Heath, Mike Lane and Jeremy Wells

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Dylan Cleaver wasn't going to watch the Lions, until he got an offer he could have refused and hitched a lift with the lads of the Alternative Commentary Collective*.

"I wasn't sure if I was on the correct station as the announcer was in the middle of relating the most bizarre story I have ever heard on radio."

And so continues one of the great Otago Daily Times letters to the editor, this one from Carol of Waldronville.

"He was relating a narrative about a rugby player and a businessman, neither of whom I heard by name. I was so disgusted by the ridiculous commentary I switched off and can only say if this is the normal standard of radio broadcast on our national game then long live Sky, even if I don't have it."

The content in question was the Alternative Commentary Collective's call of the Lions' match against the Crusaders and the blue joke about the sock was unquestionably Not Safe For Work. It involved a Grindr hook-up and a sock fetish. From there we'll let you paint your own picture, and possibly Jeremy Wells should have too, but that's not his style.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"We've all got a line we won't cross," says his sidekick Mike 'Grot' Lane, "but Jeremy's line tends to warp".

So we got the full story and it just so happened there were some people channel-surfing while trying to find the conventional commentary and, well, when you've settled in to listen to the footy in Waldronville, it's frankly the last thing you need to hear.

If, however, you're a proud part of the pre-loading generation, that sort of anecdote fits right into your wheelhouse.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

There is a slice of New Zealand you may have forgotten existed. While you were busy growing older, growing your debt mountain and growing children, parts of the country carried on as if you didn't exist.

They are the ones who survive Monday to Thursday so they can do all their living on Friday and Saturday nights. They're mainly young men, but not exclusively so. They want people to talk to them how they talk among themselves: giving each other stupid names, recounting sexcapades real or imagined, and getting a massive head of steam on.

I saw these people.

They were in Christchurch, in Rotorua, Hamilton, Auckland and even Wellington, the nation's capital.

Discover more

All Blacks

Fozzy: Rush defence had ABs 'uncomfortable'

14 Jul 01:13 AM

They were fizzing. They were doing shots. They were getting tattooed. They were doing brown-eyes on the window. They were getting selfies with the 'stars', one even doing so with his penis out, much to the amusement of his mates.

As a mostly sober observer it's a strange but strangely compelling watch, like Animal House meets the BBC's coverage of Wimbledon.

There are all these people and all this mayhem and they're there because, for a couple of hours or so, the Alternative Commentary collective - Lane, Wells and Matt Heath - were talking to them and they liked what they were hearing.

ALTERNATIVE commentary is a long-established artform, predating the social media revolution that now fuels it.

If you had to pick a modern starting point you could settle on Billy Birmingham, aka the Twelfth Man. Starting in 1984, the Australian became famous for sending up the Channel Nine commentary team and mangling the names of subcontinental cricketers - Areal Muddafarker, Cuthis Arminhalf - and released a number of popular albums.

Hard on the heels of Birmingham's antics came Australian double act Greg Pickhaver and John Doyle, best known as Roy and HG, who elevated the art of mock commentary and analysis, peaking with their Sydney 2000 Olympic show, The Dream, which included send-ups of sports like weightlifting and gymnastics.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

On the other side of the world, Steve Coogan alter-ego Alan Partridge would often turn his many broadcasting talents to sport, with some particularly sharp insights into the world of racing - "there goes Platitude Queen, a well-regarded horse known for her sense of humour" - and football.

Although the idea might have started here, it was heavily scripted parody rather than live commentary.

Hard to believe but it was the conscience of the nation, John Campbell, and his mates on Wellington student radio in Wellington who got the ball bouncing in New Zealand. Lane still cites Campbell's gag where he described the All Black captain picking the starting XV based on penis size as one of the inspirations for their show.

In 2005, Jed Thian - The Rugby Jedi - promoted his alternative rugby commentary as live entertainment and pioneered the use of social media to promote it, before taking his show offshore in 2009. He is now tweaking the rugby universe in Hong Kong.

The space remained quiet until the Alternative Commentary Collective debuted during the 2014 ODI cricket series against India. New Zealand Cricket were mostly supportive of the concept, knowing they had to expand interest in the game by seeking a new audience that was not necessarily interested in solemn analysis and ex-international-driven panels.

It was a serendipitous time to launch.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"New Zealand was just starting to win games and Brendon McCullum was leading them brilliantly. People started getting interested again," Wells says.

"Would the ACC have worked in 1991 with a bowling attack of Willie Watson and Richard de Groen?" he asks himself, rhetorically.

Broadcasting onto an online stream out of a caravan from the grounds, the ACC was a qualified success. They merged an obvious passion for the sport with an eye for the ludicrous, the macabre and, yes, the puerile.

The University Oval had bowlers running in from the David Bain End, while a discussion at Mt Maunganui's Bay Oval centred around the smell of human meat being cooked on a barbecue. During another match there was a "Guess the Perineum" competition they shared via their social channels, which most of us could probably have lived without.

What shunted them from fringe to a kind of cultish spotlight was having their Cricket World Cup accreditation pulled when Leigh Hart accepted an invitation from Pepsi to join the Gatorade drinks trolley. The International Cricket Council, which ran the tournament, went off the deep end.

The story made headlines and suddenly everyone knew who the ACC were. It was such a turning point, people still ask whether it was a planned "viral" stunt.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"It wasn't," says Lane. "We were pissed off about it at the time because we didn't think we'd done anything wrong, but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us."

Encouraged by the success, or notoriety, and revelling in the antipathy or downright dislike they felt from the "establishment" cricket commentators, the ACC turned their attention to the national sport.

And so here we are.

The ACC commentary caravan.
The ACC commentary caravan.


ANOTHER complainant writes that he finds Heath's nicknames for the players to be abusive, that it is not on for Beauden Barrett to be called a sexy something and another player to be referred to as the human toilet brush.

He threatens to take his complaint as far as the Supreme Court, or even the Privy Council to get them removed.

Barrett is known to the ACC as Slippery, but semantics aside, the point remains: this show is not for everybody. The three would admit their knowledge of cricket is more intimate than rugby so they do not pretend to offer any analysis beyond the obvious. They have no interest in a traditional audience.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"Cricket is easier," says Lane. "We're probably more comfortable with the sport. When you've got seven hours to fill you can go down a few holes, and some of those holes get pretty dark. It's really not much different to sitting on the bank with a few of your mates having a few beers, except anybody can listen in.

"With rugby you don't really have time to converse, which is why we base it more around nicknames and use tools like social media interaction with our audience to break it up."

To help build an audience they've also created a parody rugby panel show, infusing it with some real-world expertise by having Sky Sport commentator Scotty Stevenson report from a "social media testicle". During the Lions tour the show got 300,000 views or shares across social media, the web and, somewhat incongruously, Air NZ's in-flight entertainment.

There's another key difference between their rugby and cricket offerings: you have to actively find their summer commentaries through a digital radio app; the Lions tour was simulcast on a nationally syndicated station. Innocent "victims" were accidentally tuning in and the fact they're on a frequency brings them under the jurisdiction of the Broadcast Standards Authority. It could get interesting.

The ACC's "tour" starts with a low-key warm-up in central Auckland before moving to Christchurch for the match against the Crusaders.

The ACC does not have the rights to broadcast from the grounds, so they base themselves at a central city pub. In Christchurch, it's clear from the outset that they have attracted a crowd who will set the bar for the tour frighteningly low.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

They're offered alcohol, which they sometimes accept, drugs, which they decline, and one of them is offered a male-male-female menage-a-trois, also declined.

(From my observation, Wells seems to be an unwitting and unwilling lightning rod for possibly repressed Cantabrian males looking to explore their sexuality.)

A succession of men bare press their butts against the glass wall where the team is broadcasting from, the monotony of hairy glutes broken only when a female does the same.

There's a bloke with a brand new tattoo "Punisher" scrawled across his chest being gazed at adoringly by his girlfriend.

Everyone wants to talk to them so they stand there, skilfully looking interested as they're buttonholed by increasingly unwell patrons.

It must be an act, I think, but Heath says it really isn't. The whole point of taking this event live is to "connect" with their audience; to show that on some level at least, they're one of them.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

"When we started we decided we were going to have to convert one New Zealander at a time," he says, as he smiles inanely for another selfie.

At this point of the evening, he's preaching to the well-and-truly converted.

In Wellington, the atmosphere is slightly more upscale, whereas in Auckland the first night proves so popular that for the third and deciding test they are turning more than 100 people away at the door. The outside area of the pub is rammed full of people.

The tattooist stays busy (one of the more curious fashion statements I've seen is a woman who, three weeks before her wedding, gets a Radio Hauraki logo inked on to her arm), the beer keeps flowing and the game is being played to a standstill.

"Shit the bed, it's a draw," Lane proclaims, a fitting enough sign-off to their series. The crowd is momentarily stunned into silence by the result.

Not for long. Darude's hard house classic Sandstorm, the ACC's unofficial theme song, is piped into the speakers and normal chaos resumes.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

FOR those who think this stream of consciousness commentary is easy, think again. Due to prior commitments Heath and Wells don't go to the Maori international, so the author was co-opted into a "sideline" seat for the low-key warm-up to the main event - the All Blacks versus Samoa - which despite being played at Eden Park was broadcast live from a caravan in the garden bar of a pub on the main street of Rotorua, of course.

It is hard. I didn't need anybody to tell me I was hopeless as I had slightly more than 80 minutes to come to that realisation all on my own. You cannot think of the game as a match, or a demonstration of rugby as much as you have to think of it as an opportunity to riff on subjects as wildly off-topic as the Buffalo Bill character in Silence of the Lambs.

There is little scripting, there is no kill switch and there is, to the delight of their fans and the horror of those who accidentally chance upon it, no filter other than that invisible and seeemingly shifting line each will not cross. What preparation there is normally revolves around the venue and the amount of alcohol consumed in the days leading up to the test.

For the first test, it was generally agreed, they'd come in a bit cold and there was anxiety to their call. In Wellington the intake went up and they felt more relaxed. Or something like that.

On the eve of the second test, the team gathered around a bar leaner in central Wellington. A curious pre-match conversation was taking place that served as a reminder that not everything is as it appears on the surface.

"So the reason Britain was plunged into the Dark Ages was that when the Romans left to shore up their resources elsewhere in Europe, the Saxons came in and didn't know how to use any of the amazing technology they'd left behind," Heath says, "so it all went to ruin."

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Not very rock 'n' roll, is it?

Heath is the son of a professor, Wells the son of a knight of the realm and Lane the son of a doctor. There would be a rich psychological case study, leaning heavily on the works of Freud, to be made on the unconventional career arcs of these three ... but someone else can write that.

I am intrigued, however, by the idea that they're all getting older and wiser but their audience really isn't.

There's no rule book for this sort of thing, but when you look around the crowds at their commentary installations, it's hard to picture 50-year-old guys dancing to Sandstorm, or chatting effortlessly to those who want to tell you about the line of speed they've just snorted in the toilets.

I tentatively ask a couple of punters at each venue what it is about the ACC that appeals to them, almost scared of the answer. The responses are utterly benign and can be lumped together and paraphrased in a couple of short words.

"They're funny."

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

And there we might have it: the secret to sporting success among millennials who are in it for the japes as much as they are for the result.

Perhaps the Alternative Commentary Collective is perfectly placed to capture this crossover audience. Perhaps they will flame out like a hair-metal band where everybody wants to be lead guitarist.

Perhaps, even, that complainant will get his wish and the Privy Council will shut them down.

At least they'd get a laugh out of that one.

* Disclaimer: The ACC NZ is part-owned by NZME, the company that publishes the NZ Herald and nzherald.co.nz.

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Sport

Boxing

What was the additional flag on SBW's boxing strip?

Premium
OpinionGregor Paul

Gregor Paul: The risks in Razor's change-heavy All Blacks side

Golf

'Kind of crazy': Fox on his whirlwind season before final major


Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Sport

What was the additional flag on SBW's boxing strip?
Boxing

What was the additional flag on SBW's boxing strip?

The dual international was sporting an extra flag on his clothing - and it wasn't NZ's.

17 Jul 04:00 AM
Premium
Premium
Gregor Paul: The risks in Razor's change-heavy All Blacks side
Gregor Paul
OpinionGregor Paul

Gregor Paul: The risks in Razor's change-heavy All Blacks side

17 Jul 01:33 AM
'Kind of crazy': Fox on his whirlwind season before final major
Golf

'Kind of crazy': Fox on his whirlwind season before final major

17 Jul 01:20 AM


Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

06 Jul 09:47 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP