Relationship crunch points: A sex and relationships therapist’s advice

Seven common "danger zones" can derail an otherwise strong relationship. Photo / Getty Images

No one enters into a relationship thinking it will be easy, or rather, they shouldn’t: 42 per cent of British marriages end in divorce. No wonder Oscar Wilde declared it “the triumph of imagination over intelligence”. But with effort, many problems can be worked through. As a Relate relationship and sex therapist, every day I help couples overcome issues. I’ve seen first hand there are several common “danger zones” that can derail even the strongest unions. Here’s how the key ones tend to play out and what to do if you encounter them…

Micro-cheating

Since United Kingdom television stars Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford announced their split, the tabloids have gleefully reported that he’s been following scantily clad ladies on Instagram. Whilst that has occurred since his marriage ended, these seemingly harmless small behaviours can cause friction in a relationship. It’s worth bearing in mind that your partner may consider “liking” a suggestive post as micro-cheating. The same may be said of flirting with an ex on social media or using porn.

Everyone has different boundaries on what’s acceptable. I’m always surprised that couples never discuss what they consider is crossing the line until there’s a problem. One person thinks sending a “kiss” emoji to an old flame is fine, but their partner sees it as them “leaving the door open” or not being fully committed.

Trust issues are often at the heart of the problem. I find that particularly for women – who have been conditioned for years to compare themselves – having a partner show an interest in sexualised, airbrushed pictures of others can make them feel “lacking” and bring out insecurities.

The advice

Open a discussion about where your own limits lie. You’re both in the relationship so boundaries should be agreed together – before a problem occurs. Often, the accused person gets defensive and ridicules the injured party for being petty which isn’t fair; it’s important to be honest and feel heard if you’re unhappy with something. The other person might not agree but your voice matters. If you’re hurt you should be able to express it, without being made to feel foolish.

However, watch out for becoming controlling. You can say, for example, you don’t like them sometimes watching porn, but you can’t make them stop.

An affair

This is the reason many couples come to therapy. One in five people in the UK admit to committing adultery, (and probably more actually do). People change over time and so do their needs and desires, this is human nature. Often a third party fills a person’s needs in a different way, and it’s more about how they make the adulterer feel about themselves that is the intoxicating thing. It’s actually rarely about sex, though the injured party naturally assumes they’re lacking in some way. Rarely is a marriage entirely happy when flings begin, and often during therapy the “injured partner” may see how their behaviour may also have played a part.

Affairs are one of the most common reasons couples go to therapy for. Photo / Getty Images

The advice

Once you work through the blame, honest talks are needed to both find a way to make a new relationship together that is mutually fulfilling.

The injured party might demand information, but stick to the facts: who it happened with, and how long it went on for. Never go into details such as sexual positions or places you visited as it will cause more pain. If two people both are genuinely determined to get their marriage back on track I would say it can work in three out of four cases.

Serious illness

We vow to stick with them “in sickness and in health”. Queen Camilla is clearly being a rock for the King as he recovers from cancer, but when one person is seriously ill – whether through illness, surgery or a life-changing accident – relationships can suffer.

And sex is the first thing to go. It’s normal to go through periods in a marriage where you’re not having sex. Young couples need to understand that it’s normal things change from how it was at the start. What’s more important is finding other ways to connect and be emotionally there for each other.

I’ve worked with women post-mastectomy who feel desperately unattractive and men who’ve had injuries leaving them with erectile issues. Illness doesn’t just exhaust you but can shatter self-esteem which naturally affects desire.

One woman I met was feeling guilty she didn’t feel up to sex because she was suffering from a serious bowel condition, so she stopped kissing her husband fearing it would signify she was up for sex when she really wasn’t. He just felt shut out and rejected. They only opened up about this in therapy, yet it had created a wedge between them for months.

Queen Camilla has been praised for her support for King Charles during ill health as he recovers from cancer. Photo / Getty Images

The advice

The crucial thing is to talk about it. Don’t sweep the lack of sex under the carpet – acknowledge it. Say: “I know being erotic isn’t how we feel right now when we’re dealing with so much, but know that I love you and still desire you.”

Try to find the level of physical contact you’re comfortable with, whether that’s a hug, a handhold or just a hair stroke. Hanging onto those small acts of affection will make it less of a steep hill to climb when you might be able to get intimate. By avoiding something such as touch, anxiety issues can arise making it harder to get things back.

Money matters

Some of the most heated rows in the therapy room involve finances. I’ve seen that hell hath no fury like a woman who’s discovered her partner has been spending their money on sex workers. A physical fight almost broke out one time in my clinic, but this scenario is not uncommon. I’ve also seen marriages broken by gambling addictions. These are dramatic cases though where the money is the tip of the iceberg to bigger problems that require specific work from both people, especially from the “guilty” person.

Frequently couples fall out because spending habits just don’t align.

Money is not straightforward and our own attitudes towards it are shaped by our parents (whether we follow or rebel against it). It means different things to different people, from security to freedom to power.

The advice

The key to understanding why rows erupt – and thus avoid them in future – is to really consider not the cash itself but what it means to them. So she wants to buy expensive handbags, does it mean freedom? Power? Joy? What’s at the emotional heart of it? Once you understand why it’s important to her, you might mind less on that occasion.

"A physical fight almost broke out one time in my clinic, but this scenario is not uncommon", said Natasha Silverman. Photo / 123rf

One party’s bigger spending hunger can be fuelled by needing to feel empowered, and the person reigning them in might be seeking control. Nobody wants to feel that they have less decision-making power in a modern relationship, and money can be the ugly trigger.

A clash in parenting styles

From babies to problematic teenagers, couples often struggle to reconcile their wildly different approaches. Bring step-parenting into the mix too, and there’s even more potential for rows. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck blame their recent split on “lifestyle” differences, but you might speculate that the (entirely normal) challenge of blending families didn’t help. Research by the UK Department of Work and Pensions shows that couples just do not talk about how they want to parent their child until they’re raising them.

If you’re a hippy who wants to co-sleep with the baby and breastfeed until 5 and he’s firmly in the ‘hire a nanny and send them to boarding school’ camp, you’re never going to find a workable compromise. Things can go terribly wrong, and the child caught in the middle is sadly the biggest victim.

The advice

I urge couples to talk about this before having a family. It’s normal to not agree on everything, and some things can be comprised on (older step-children don’t vape in front of younger kids or watch age-inappropriate films in front of them) but the fundamental things – whether smacking is acceptable, or where you stand on alcohol or soft drugs – really can’t. It’s not fair for one parent to always be the “bad cop” and they’ll feel resentful. The excellent charity One Plus One offers free online courses to help improve communication and co-parenting.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are notorious for their on/off relationship. Photo / GC Images

Collisions over careers or job loss

Back in the day, if a couple walked into counselling with job-related complaints, it was classically the woman feeling she came second to his career while the lack of hers brought feelings of resentment. In 2024 the world has changed. Now I frequently see issues arise because the high-flying female is out-earning the male, and while she’s in board meetings or flying to conferences his confidence takes the hit. The common theme is one partner struggling with feelings of inadequacy, on some level, when there are career inequalities.

Sadly, shame can be a real problem for men, and they’re primed to feel it keenly. The males in older generations were typically the providers, both financially and in status, and often internalise their feelings. This makes them vulnerable to anxiety, depression and loneliness feeling they can’t admit it. This can lead to destructive behaviour such as addiction or being controlling and seeking validation elsewhere.

Advice

Make sure both parties feel respected for the different things they bring to the table in the relationship. Just because one person earns the money, it doesn’t mean the other person has no say in how it’s spent. You’re a partnership, in it together.

I’ve also seen marriages crumble when one person loses their job. If you’re supporting them, allow them the space to grieve their loss. Don’t say “chin up” or “it will be fine”, let them feel sad, acknowledge their anxiety. Don’t avoid the subject for fear of upsetting them, “lean into” the discomfort and encourage them to get it all out. Then, crucially, show them you’re there for them. Know they might be angry and take it out on you, but don’t become the emotional punch bag. Many couples become even closer once they’ve seen how a partner backs them up through hardship, often that plays a huge part in giving the person strength to pick themselves up after “failure” and move on.

Fallouts over friends

You hate his best drinking buddy? He hates socialising with “boring” couples? These are classic tension points. Accept that you’re not always going to like your partner’s friends. But like it or not, they deserve to have people in their life that make them happy, beyond you. Giving them the silent treatment after they’ve spent time with said friend is not healthy.

Advice

Try and curb any desire to “control” your partner’s friendship.

Try and examine why it is that this person or group is a problem for the relationship – is it that someone feels threatened or fears the friend will try and break them up?

Occasionally socialising with people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to, for the sake of making partners happy, is a workable compromise (despite the fact you might prefer to be at home watching Netflix).