Phone-snooping: One-fifth of Kiwis admit to going through their partner’s phone

Are you a phone-snooper? New research has found 21% of Kiwis have admitted to prying into a partner's phone. Photo / Composite / Getty Images / Rafa Elias

If you’ve ever snooped, you’re in good (or should that be bad?) company – but why do people pry through their partner’s phone? A relationship expert tells the Herald her opinion on whether snooping is ever justified, and why the number of culprits is likely far higher than new data shows.

Picture this: your significant other is in the shower, their phone lying innocently, face up, on the table beside you. Eyes darting to the bathroom door and back again, you make your move: grabbing the device and swiftly unlocking it using the passcode they trustingly gave you.

The water is still running: you know you have at least two minutes to conduct your investigation. First port of call? Instagram. You scroll feverishly through their DMs, searching for any hint of betrayal. Next stop? Their messages. Any texts from unsaved numbers? Any unfamiliar contact names? Your heart racing, you perform the same inspection of each social networking app, finishing with a quick perusal of their most recent photos.

With nothing incriminating to be found, you place the phone back exactly as you found it – but far from feeling reassured, there’s still a nagging suspicion you missed something, anything, that could point to possible indiscretion. These feelings of insecurity, jealousy and distrust are often why phone snooping starts, says relationship coach Bridgette Jackson. And according to new research, one-fifth of Kiwis have admitted to doing it – and that’s only the percentage who have come clean.

Of the 1500 Kiwi adults surveyed by the network operator Kiwi Mobile, 21% admitted prying into their partner’s phone. Of the women surveyed, nearly one-third (29%) said they had snooped through their significant other’s device, compared with 14% of male participants.

However, almost two-thirds (64%) of participants said they allowed their partners to use their phones. The 18-to-34-year-old age bracket was found to be the most trusting, with 78% saying they would hand over the device if their partner asked for it. However, that same age group were also the most likely to snoop, with nearly one-third (30%) admitting to stickybeaking.

A further 5% wouldn’t say if they had snooped or not.

However, Jackson, a certified divorce and separation coach, says the number of Kiwis actively phone-snooping is likely far higher than the one-fifth who came clean in the survey.

“I suspect more people snoop on their partner’s phone than are willing to admit it. Based on my experience with clients, I believe the actual figure is closer to 50%, with more women than men engaging in this behaviour,” the relationship coach told the Herald.

“This behaviour often stirs up strong emotions on both sides of the issue. For the person snooping, it can suggest suspicion, insecurity, a need for control, or simply curiosity. On the other hand, when the snooping is discovered, the partner may feel violated, betrayed, or deeply hurt, even if nothing incriminating is found.”

Why are women seemingly more likely to snoop?

While the numbers only indicate the percentage of participants who admitted to the behaviour, the survey did suggest women may be more likely to look through a partner’s phone than men, which Jackson says is probably a fair assumption.

“Women, by nature, tend to be more curious and are more likely to analyse conversations and signals than men. They may also be more prone to feelings of insecurity, suspicion, jealousy, and trust issues, which can drive the desire to snoop,” she says.

“One of the most common reasons for phone snooping is a sense of emotional distance. She may feel uneasy if he becomes closed off, distracted, or less communicative. Changes in his behaviour, such as wearing different clothes, suddenly getting fit or losing weight, going out more often, spending excessive time on his phone, or even sleeping in a separate room, can all raise red flags.”

Women and men also tend to view emotional attachment differently, Jackson says. Men are more likely not to view an emotional connection as cheating, unless a physical element is also involved; comparatively, emotional infidelity is often just as damaging to women as a physical affair.

“For women, a partner who is emotionally distant or constantly engaged in written communication with someone else can trigger suspicion, as many see this as a form of betrayal. On the other hand, men often don’t view emotional connections or written interactions with another woman as cheating, unless there is physical involvement.”

As the data might indicate, women are also more likely to put their hands up and openly talk about this behaviour, Jackson says. Men? Not so much.

“In my business, more women talk about snooping than men do. I suspect the men I coach do not tell me they are looking at their partner’s phones, but women are more open to telling me this information.

“Closer to 50% of my clients snoop on their partners’ phones and generally tell me this – and again, it is more women than men. However, in my practice, I do see clients setting up burner phones – both female and male clients – and setting up bogus Facebook accounts or other social media platforms. I haven’t seen enough instances to form a view either way about which gender has a higher propensity to avail themselves of these options for snooping.”

READ: Burner phones: What’s it like to use one in 2024?

Bridgette Jackson is a certified relationship coach and divorce mediator.

Are there any instances where phone snooping is justified?

If you feel there is a justifiable reason for looking through your partner’s phone, you may be right: not all phone-snooping is inherently rooted in jealousy or reflects badly on the snooping partner, Jackson says. In some cases, the person may need evidence to confirm what they already know – or to obtain information for their safety.

“While open communication is always the preferred approach, there may be situations where phone snooping feels justified. If someone is certain that their partner is being dishonest or hiding something, the best course of action is to initially make time to discuss their concerns, in a calm manner. However, if these red flags persist and the partner remains evasive, they might feel they have no choice but to take matters into their own hands,” Jackson says.

“In more extreme cases, phone snooping could even be a necessary step for someone in an abusive or toxic relationship. Discovering hidden information might provide the clarity or evidence to take action and leave the situation safely.”

READ: Concerned your partner might be cheating? Five signs you could be right

Regardless of the motive, the snooper should always be aware that if they are caught red-handed, the significant other might not agree with their justifications.

“Snooping on a partner will result in one of three outcomes: questions of trust that arise in the relationship; guilt over invading a partner’s privacy; or feelings of betrayal for either party,” Jackson says.

“It can lead to a breakdown of trust, which is difficult to rebuild, and sometimes, it can escalate existing tensions in the relationship.

“It is important to establish clear boundaries that prioritise safety rather than suspicion. A guideline is that if something feels invasive to you, it’s likely to feel invasive to them as well. The best path is to work toward a relationship that includes transparency and mutual respect to rebuild trust and avoid similar issues in the future.”

The 18-to-34-year-old age group was found to be the most trusting – but also the most likely to snoop. Photo / Getty Images / Rafa Elias

Should there be an ‘open-phone’ policy in relationships?

No relationship is the same; everyone has different boundaries, expectations and histories (not search histories), which need to be respected by all parties. While some couples may feel an open-phone policy is a foundation of trust and transparency in their relationship, others might prefer to keep their virtual conversations and activities more private.

“It is about what they want their relationship to look like and what is important to each partner. One way to look at the situation is to determine whether it could weaken or strengthen the relationship,” Jackson says.

“A useful approach is to talk about what each partner wants their relationship to look like and what is important to each partner moving forward, and write down the pros and cons. This is an opportunity to reassess trust and communication, set new boundaries, and establish clear rules of engagement to ensure both partners feel respected and secure.”

The research, commissioned by the mobile virtual network operator Kiwi Mobile, was conducted between June 24-30, 2024, with a sample of 1500 New Zealanders aged 18 and over.

Lana Andelane is an Auckland-based multimedia journalist covering lifestyle and entertainment stories. She joined the Herald in 2024 and enjoys anything related to pop culture, fashion, beauty or music.