Lee Suckling: The real dangers of sex on the beach

Getting frisky on the sand this summer is much more fantasy than reality for most people. It sounds like it could be hot – especially when it's a balmy night and you've had some beers on the beach. In actuality, it's not the safest way of being intimate for many different reasons.

You could get arrested

Public indecency is a crime, folks. While the laws are somewhat ambiguous about sex in public and what will land you in jail, there are general rules upheld by the authorities – namely that you shouldn't do it where people have a realistic chance of seeing it.

Anything that happens on a beach – and in-full-view, family-centric places – will constitute an indecent act because anybody could feasibly see you day or night. What does this mean for sex in the bush near the beach, not actually on the sand itself? That's your risk to take.

Children have eyes

Okay, maybe you're not that concerned about a random adult seeing your boobs or bum in the air from afar at the beach. But what about a child? Can you imagine the horror of a kid, or a group of kids, running into a couple having sex?

Not only would you be mortified, they would be scarred for life, too. There's no doubt it'd qualify as a much more serious offence in the eyes of the law as well.

Sand in your bits

Sand in your nether-regions isn't just uncomfortable and difficult to wash away. It is abrasive. For women having sex on the beach is particularly dangerous. Sand can get on the vulva or even in the vagina. This can lead to irritation, chafing, rashes, micro-tears, stinging and burning.

For both women and men, where there are any kinds of abrasions made to your genitals, your risk of infection (e.g. herpes, gonorrhea and other skin-to-skin infections) is significantly increased.

There's no infrastructure

In general you need a bed, or at least a couch or other comfortable piece of furniture, to prop you up while you're having sex. The sand is not furniture. A towel is not a bed.

Both sand and towels move around and get messed up when you're having sex on them, so you both end up twisted and turned and all out of whack. It's wildly inconvenient and unsexy.

You can't really get naked

Sex on the beach is likely to be a quick, pull-your-pants-to-your-ankles, in-the-moment affair. You can't really get properly naked because you need to be prepared for a fast getaway if anybody sees you.

I don't know about you, but having sex with a t-shirt on top and shorts around your feet isn't at all attractive. It has a very frat-boy, juvenile vibe to it.

Even when you're alone, you're not alone

When you're rolling around having sexy times on the sand and you've thoroughly ensured nobody can see you, you still aren't actually alone on the beach. Why? Because things live in the sand.

Bugs, mites, sandflies, fleas, crabs ... the beach is their home and you're having sex in it. How might they show their distaste for your activities? By biting you, or even crawling inside of you.

Sex in water doesn't work

Perhaps you've read all of this and thought, "Okay, we'll just have sex in the ocean then". Think again. Water and sex are not friends. Water does not create a lubricated or slippery environment in which both parties can engage in enjoyable sex.

There's no friction and rather than feeling like skin-on-skin, it feels like wet rubber gloves touching each other. Salt water will also contribute to dryness of the genitals, further increasing discomfort.