Earlier this week, I caught wind of the bone-chilling news that a fraternity-style living concept is coming to Auckland.
The Coh is a new three-storey Auckland complex that will house up to 22 adults.
For just $360 a week, you can share living spaces with 21 other human beings, and you'll have no choice but to mingle because your bedroom is a mere 7sqm - smaller than the average car park.
Look, I really don't mean to alarm you but statistically speaking, even if you live with the normal amount of flatmates (three or four), at least two of them will be absolute freaks and you'll wish nothing but misery on them.
This means that if you were to move into what sounds to me like a prison-esque complex, you're potentially looking at 21 tolerable at best - insufferable at worst - bunk mates.
To present my case as to why you absolutely should not roll the dice on this one, I've rounded up 21 True Accounts of 21 Real Flatmates who live in Auckland. These individuals may, at this very moment, be flat-hunting. And they may, at this very moment, be booking in a viewing at The Coh.
You are welcome.
There is a real flatmate in Auckland ...
1. who will hang their hair extensions in the kitchen to dry.
2. whose boyfriend will stay over and while you're sleeping will creep into your room and steal $300 from your wallet.
3. who will leave used tampons on the bathroom floor.
who will exercise in front of the communal TV so you have no option but to watch him.
5. who will only leave her room to go to the bathroom or get meals and will leave food scraps and dirty dishes in her bed.
6. who will have a friend over to stay "for the long weekend". The friend won't leave for three months.
7. who doesn't understand internet data caps. He will download so much porn that you run out of data in 24 hours. Once he realises what he's done, however, he will kindly offer to share his collection with the rest of the flat.
who is unemployed but will dress up in a suit each day and pretend to go to work. He will then sneak back home after everyone has left.
9. who will exclusively urinate on the ground next to the toilet, instead of in the toilet.
10. who, instead of hanging his wet washing on the clothes horse, will dump it on the top in a scrunched up soggy mound.
who will block the toilet but will be "too afraid" to plunge it, so will just storm out of the house in a huff and leave it for someone else to deal with.
12. who will get up in the middle of the night, every night, because they are "more creative then", and will proceed to cook a full roast dinner while playing music.
13. who, if you leave your leftover dinner / tomorrow's lunch on the bench to cool down for five minutes, will snatch the Tupperware and eat it.
who will forget to pay the power bill over university summer holidays, so that when you come back in the new year the fridge will be defrosted, and maggots will be flowing out.
15. who will steal your new clothes from your room, wear them in front of you and say she's just bought them. Then, when you tell her you know she stole them, will Photoshop fake TradeMe listings to "prove" she bought them.
17. who will only sleep with his bedroom door and eyeballs wide open.
who will use your expensive Japanese culinary knife to hack down a vine that's grown around his Weber BBQ.
19. who will have two hour long showers in the middle of the night, even though you only have one bathroom.
20. who will go outside to scrape his dinner plate scraps into the wheelie bin rather than change the bin liner bag in the kitchen.
who will buy a couch for the flat and rope you and your parents in to go pick it up. Your dad will ask, "where are we off to?"
"Not far," he will say.
It will turn out the couch is halfway to Whangārei. You will also have to stop in the North Shore to pick up some random stuff for his bedroom.
When you finally arrive to pick up the couch, out in the middle of nowhere, you'll discover it was used as a litter tray for a Great Dane.
"Don't worry," he' ll say. He'll clean it up, he'll say. He also won't have thought to measure the lift before buying the couch, so you'll have to carry it up 15 flights of stairs to your apartment.
Your face will be pressed up against the hell couch stewed in urine, like that pivot scene in Friends but much worse. As soon you get home, he'll say he has to leave for dinner.
"I've got a reservation!"