Beck Vass shares the trials and tribulations of having children who just won't listen.
I've feel like I've done my best as a parent. Truly, I have tried my absolute hardest at teaching our kids right from wrong, that there are consequences to their actions - all the big stuff and many, many small things too. It's repetitive and exhausting.
But when I walked into my 4-year-old son's bedroom the other night, I walked in on my daughter, 6, convincing her brother to let her fart in his face.
It's like in a split second you watch everything you have done, all the pain and suffering - all the arguments you have listened to, all the irrational reactions, the punishments, the lengthy explanations you were forced to go through trying to make them good people – all of it out the window. Clearly, they're going to end up as deviants anyway.
Within two days of the face fart incident (seriously, 6-year-old girls should be ruling the world, such is their power of coercion), I was casually reviewing my photos of our 7-month-old baby on my phone to see when I had last sent photos to all the grandparents.
I was sitting in a café waiting for a coffee and – boom! Indecent image. I flinched in fright and hoped no one had seen. It was the last thing I was expecting.
My 4-year-old took a "d*** pic" using my phone.
We'd had visitors the night before and while we were chatting in the kitchen/dining area, the kids had a shower and afterwards, our son had taken off with my phone. I thought he was taking photos of his baby brother, which he has got quite good at.
He had indeed snapped our baby before moving on to umm… "selfie" mode.
Shocked, I messaged my husband to tell them what his children had been up while we were distracted with guests.
"What is wrong with them?" he replied.
I don't know. I've done my best and this is where we have ended up. I don't know where to go from here.
The next morning, there was half a chilli left on our chopping board from dinner because I was unsure what to do with it.
When I came out from cleaning my teeth before we were to leave for school, I found one of the kids passing the chilli out a window to the other one, who was standing outside in the rain.
"What are you doing with that? It's hot, you better go and wash your hands and DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACES."
Off they went - finally following instructions - while I waited for someone to touch an eye and start screaming.
They returned and almost simultaneously gasped, and asking for water.
"Didn't you use soap?" Yet another thing I have insisted on since forever that always seems to be "forgotten".
My boy shook his head. UGH, will you kids ever listen?!
Well, it turned out they had both licked the chilli.
Fifteen minutes later it was time to leave and they were still complaining they could feel it burning their tongues.
"When will it stop?" our girl asked.
I'm not sure, my girl. I ask myself the exact same question every day.