"You're looking quite pregnant now."
"Wow, rapidly expanding, I see."
"You've popped out."
"Slowly growing there."
Or, my personal favourite: "Woah."
Why do people think these are appropriate things to say? Oh, I get it: it's just part of the small talk that comes at you when you're pregnant.
The staring at your stomach from strangers as you walk down the street. Thank you. At 33 weeks, I hadn't noticed any of this myself.
And I can't even tell there's an extra 15kg on my frame every time I stand up or sit down or get puffed out from just eating.
I want to be rude to people, but I don't have the energy or the mind speed, so it just whirls around my head, depending on my mood and how tired I am. Just force a smile and say yes.
I remember being so upset by this in my first pregnancy. It felt as if I was a target, with strangers walking towards me always sort of glancing down at my stomach and back up.
I know I have been guilty of this myself since, without meaning to do it. And it isn't even a "Wow, she's big" look. It's more of an "aww, a baby" sort of nostalgia from your own experience. A genuine feeling of happiness that someone is about to experience it.
It just gets a bit tiresome hearing the same comments from multiple people repeatedly throughout a day.
And the "how many weeks are you now?" followed by comments on whether you are big or small for the time frame revealed.
I'm guilty of this too.
To every pregnant woman I've ever spoken to, I'm sorry for any offence caused! No one should comment on a pregnant woman's appearance.
Instead, you should just keep a wide berth, try not engage with her, and, if you have to, just smile and nod. Don't approach while she's eating. Just be on your way. You're not going to win.
Otherwise, everything is going to be misconstrued, regurgitated to her husband or a friend later that night, possibly through tears as Tim Tam crumbs fall into her bra, because of something YOU said in passing. Don't be that person.
If you really want to be helpful, or make small talk, do what my husband did one night when he was feeling particularly sensible.
He arrived home from work, stood sheepishly in the kitchen not knowing what to expect, and yelled "catch" to me, with enough warning for me to catch the Picnic Bar he threw my way.
THAT'S the kind of interaction pregnant women need.