My Uncle Otis is a stand-up guy

Who better to interview award-winning comedian and hard-luck ex-con country singer OTIS LEE CRENSHAW than his award-winning comedian nephew RICH HALL?

Let me explain a few things about my Uncle Otis. First of all, he is not a blood relative. He married my step-mom's half-sister, whose name was Brenda.

He previously had been married to another woman named Brenda, who left him to pursue a career in Imax porn films. My uncle did not bother to divorce Brenda No 1 before marrying Brenda No 2. Consequently he went to jail for involuntary bigamy.

Before that he had done time for vehicle registration tampering, postal fraud, bingo fraud, unlicensed broadcasting of rental videos, counterfeiting bull semen, impersonating a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman, and possession of endangered coral. All of this happened in Tennessee.

He is not a vicious man. But he is leering, amoral, hopelessly misguided and was born under a "kick-me sign." He has been proposed to more than 200 times, mostly by women.

This is my first real interview with him. We are at his favourite bar in Brushy Mountain (Tennessee) called Russell's. Otis is drinking Jack Daniels. The owner, Russell, has a Jack Russell terrier named Daniel who is asleep under the table ...

Rich: Hi.

Otis: Grab some wood [indicating that I should sit down]. I never liked you. Let's clear the air right away.

Rich: You don't really know me. We're going to be working together in New Zealand.

Otis: That's not exactly true. You will be telling jokes. I will be taking people into a musical heart of darkness where they will have to confront the fact that there's a little bit of me in them. Like a tapeworm. People come out of your show feelin' all happy and peppy 'cos you manipulated them with a lot of smoke-and-mirror bullshit about the human condition. People come out of my show and form neighbourhood watch programmes. I incite community action!

Rich: Are you excited about going to New Zealand?

Otis: I once knew a hairdresser from New Zealand. She had the sexiest eyes you've ever seen and a voice that sounded like someone stripping a gearbox in a VW van. We went out for six months.

Rich: Was her name Brenda?

Otis: Never did get her name. But I thought if there's others like her in New Zealand, I'm going! Now I am.

Rich: Do you think Kiwis will appreciate your particular brand of country music?

Otis: By particular I assume you're referring to music no record company will sign? Who cares? I sing the truth. All love songs are lies. "Oh, I'm gonna swim the deepest sea and climb the highest mountain for your love." No, you ain't! Not unless you're a triathlete. No one ever climbed Mt Everest and yelled, "This is for Bubbles, the pole dancer down there at the Cheetah Lounge in Fort Lauderdale!"

Rich: You're right.

Otis: "I'm doin' it without oxygen, sizzle-chest!"

Rich: So your songs are honest?

Otis: That's why no corporate lackey Nashville pansy-ass record exec will take a chance on me. I got a song called I'm gonna love you till I don't. I got one about evolution called (I didn't come from no) Monkeys. Not everyone is ready for that. People want Garth and Shania and all that treacly, pancake-syrupy, diabetes-inducing top 40 country corn. But they ain't been invited to New Zealand, and I have!

Rich: Kiwis have good taste.

Otis: It ain't got nothin' to do with taste. It has to do with givin' a man a second chance. There's lots of musicians - talented ones - rottin' in American prisons. They won't never get out. I was lucky. I ain't goin' back there. And if that means bangin' out my hard luck musical stories at some gigglefest in New Zealand well, hell yes! Beats makin' licence plates. Besides, I might meet another Brenda.

* Otis Lee Crenshaw and band The Black Liars open at the Regent Room at the St James Theatre on Queen St on Wednesday, May 2. Rich Hall will perform at The Classic from May 8 to 12.