Kyle MacDonald: I have a friend who can't take a compliment, how can I help?

The most helpful thing is to keep being as nice and complimentary as you want to be. Photo / Getty.

Q. I have a friend who can't take a compliment, or any kind of positive feedback. They've always been incredibly negative about themselves, and it's pretty frustrating at times because I like them, and want them to see themselves as I see them. Is there anything I can do to help?

A. The most helpful thing you can do, without doubt is keep being as nice and complimentary as you want to be - this should not change! It can be hard though, especially if, as it is in some cases, it can even appear to make the person seem really uncomfortable or even cause distress. But also talk to them about what you notice - pretty much just what you've described above - as a starting point.

It can be easy to just see this as a problem of not thinking very much of yourself, what we generally think of as low self-esteem, and that's true, up to a point. However, the thing that makes it hard to take in the positive from others is the extent to which the person believes the negative or hateful ideas about themselves to be objectively true, as opposed to something we feel, and understand to not be objectively true.

"I feel bad" is very different to "I am bad."

The difference can be described as insight, the ability to observe with calm objectivity our behaviour, feelings and beliefs. It can be easy to slide into judgment about insight being a skill, and therefore it's a deficit or fault if you don't have enough. Which, for the chronically self-attacking person just becomes another stick with which to beat themselves.

What we think of insight, can equally be thought of as how deeply we believe or know something. Those things we learned deeply tended to be present before we even had language, a consistent experience that has been with us since our very beginnings. Think about how natural it is to speak your first language. It just is.

If your earliest experience was of being hated, or at the very least not loved, this sits deep. If, as it often is, backed up later by words, actions and further trauma and neglect - inside or outside the home - it can be very difficult to reach any other conclusion about yourself.

Changing this thinking is not as easy as just working on seeing yourself as a good person. Because - as you've observed - it seems like the goodness just bounces off - it doesn't go in - at least not in any way that the person can make use of. It's like the good is a threat to be protected from.

As hard as it can be to see this as we now look with adult understanding, this is what is meant when we talk about how children frequently blame themselves for their own abuse. To let go of the fact that they are bad, that they did deserve it, and that is the explanation for their experiences, requires facing the horror that their home was unsafe, that they weren't protected, loved or cherished enough, and that the world itself can be as cruel and heartless as their early life.

That's a lot for anyone to take in, and it can take time.

However, even if you're kind, clear, accurate positive feedback causes discomfort, keep doing it - because it all helps. You can even validate the discomfort by saying some version of, "I know this makes you uncomfortable, but I think you're wonderful, even if you don't."