In her own words, actress Kimberley Crossman opens up about her dramatic first three months of motherhood with gorgeous daughter Coco. Photo / Dean Cornish
Three months ago, I thought I was going to just breathe my baby into this world. A lot has changed since then!
After undergoing what I now refer to as a “birth buffet” – where I had an induction, a sepsis scare, a Foley balloon, an epidural and basically everything except a C-section – I now realise that everything I thought I would be like as a mother is so different from who I actually am.
I’m also being incredibly honest in my healing and doing things a little differently than most by being a slightly nomadic new family – we’re now in LA, where we did this fun shoot for Woman’s Day.
I’ve been asked a lot if I have any trauma from my birth, given it was so far from the plans I had. I do not. I have trauma about many things, but I would 100% relive that day.
Even with the drama and the chaos, it was magical and beautiful. A big shout-out to Origins Obstetrics and Gynaecology, and our obstetrician Richard Pole, who made the day fun and included us in all decisions along the way.
I’d done so much mental preparation leading up to the day, I had to remind myself that I wanted the day to be whimsical. I certainly got my wish. And while I may have been left with a serious number of stitches and later been diagnosed with prolapse, I’d still do it again in a heartbeat.
Not knowing if we were having a boy or a girl added an extra layer of playfulness to the day. I’m not sure my mum would describe Coco’s birth day as playful at all, but I certainly would. It also seems fitting that the actor had all the elements of a good movie on a day like this – the drama, the happy ending and a cliffhanger (the birth injury) to keep you wanting to see more. Perfect!
Coco was born on December 6 by forceps and I have been completely changed ever since.
After she joined us, I spent longer than most at the Birthcare maternity hospital as I felt I needed more support, especially around feeding.
My milk was a little late to join the party, and the Birthcare team and my midwife Cathy were pivotal in helping me manage my emotions, as well as the basics of baby care, which I technically knew but felt more nervous about in practice.
Part of that was because of my own recovery. I ended up with an episiotomy and a third-degree tear, so there were a lot of stitches and internal trauma that made movement of all kinds challenging, frustrating, painful and, at times, scary.
My biggest hurdle was wanting to show up as the mum I knew I could be and wanted to be, while feeling limited in some areas and also being hard on myself. Classic Kim!
Breastfeeding continued to be a challenge, but I have to thank my online community and family – through all their recommendations, I’m now able to exclusively breastfeed.
I did acupuncture, ate lactation cookies, ate only warm food, stayed hydrated, and pivoted to having positive dialogue around feeding and pumping to keep stimulation going between feeds.
I know breastfeeding is not possible for everyone, so I feel very lucky to have been able to get things going in that department. I’ve fallen in love with it now. It’s our special time and also a great moment for me to pause, which is not exactly in my nature – one of the many humbling things I’m learning on this journey.
Throughout it all, my husband Tom Walsh and I have also been pretty nomadic, which I know is not the norm with a newborn baby – in fact, it’s frowned upon in some circles. But we work between Aotearoa and LA, and we were always on the move before Coco.
As soon as we fell pregnant with baby Blueberry, the little girl we lost in 2023, the talk quickly became about moving back to New Zealand fulltime, and Tom and I planting real roots.
While we both still dream of building a remote Kiwi cabin and living somewhat off the grid, for now, both of our dreams involve following our passions – mine in acting and Tom’s in cinematography – which often puts us in different locations globally.
In Coco’s short life, she’s spent time in Auckland, Coromandel and California, been to Disneyland and Yucca Valley, and even sat in the cockpit of an Air New Zealand plane. She goes where I go and she seems comfortable with it.
We’re so lucky she’s a happy baby. Her favourite thing at the moment is staring at herself in the mirror, so perhaps Hollywood is rubbing off on her!
One of the scariest parts of this journey was Tom and me coming to LA alone with Coco. Coming from a big blended family, my life is usually like a team sport and there’s rarely a moment when I’m flying solo.
After Coco was born, we based ourselves at my mum’s place in Auckland, with my stepson Louie, my best friend Jacky, various nieces and nephews, and many daily visitors. My dad and stepmum also joined us for five weeks from Australia. It was like the opening scene from Home Alone!
When Coco was just three weeks old, we all went to Pauanui for Christmas. Yes, all of us, plus Tom’s mum and sister, who flew up from the South Island. Coco has been surrounded by love and family since the moment she arrived – a privilege I don’t take lightly.
So for Tom, Coco and me to travel to LA, where suddenly it was just the three of us, felt like a big shift.
There was a teething period. I realised Mum was not coming to do the laundry, and Tom had to get in the habit of bringing me water when I was feeding because, for some reason, I can never remember to hydrate until I sit down to breastfeed.
But after a few days and a few tears, we found our stride and we’re really enjoying this new season as a little trio. This will shift as Tom heads back to New Zealand to film, while Coco and I stay in LA for a few more weeks, but for now, we’re loving our little LA chapter.
People here are incredibly vocal, which is actually lovely. It’s like being with royalty when we take Coco out. People constantly comment on how fresh she is, ask her name and inevitably ask if I’m sleeping.
I’ve made a promise to myself to never ask a new mum how she’s sleeping. Instead, I’ll say, “Well done, Mama!” or, “How are you doing?” and leave space for an honest answer.
Motherhood has completely cracked me open unlike anything else I’ve experienced. I thought my type-A neurosis would translate into perfectly structured wake windows, productive sleep schedules and a checklist of milestones.
Instead, I’ve surprised myself with how soft I am emotionally, physically and in the way I approach the world.
I’ve also been sharing a lot about my prolapse diagnosis and the slightly embarrassing accidents that come along with that. I’m leaning into the idea that if you don’t laugh, you might cry. Sometimes I do both.
It’s also been incredibly special watching Tom become a girl dad. I’ve had the privilege of seeing him parent Louie for almost four years now and I’ve always been in awe of the energy he puts into being present. Now watching him make Coco smile with endless fart noises somehow melts my heart even more.
Travelling with a newborn might sound glamorous – or completely unhinged. My biggest mental hurdle was worrying that if Coco cried in public, I might disturb people around us. The people pleaser in me was very concerned about being that person with the crying baby.
But a friend of mine said something that really helped me, “People are entitled to a child-free life, but not a child-free world.” That shifted my perspective and was pivotal when I was questioning my sanity about taking a newborn halfway across the globe.
The truth is, I love being a mum more than I ever expected. I see the world differently now. Not in a poetic, Instagram-caption kind of way – it genuinely feels different.
There’s beauty everywhere I look, which is nice given how much is going on in the world, and I see mums absolutely crushing it everywhere. It feels like I’ve been welcomed into a secret club I feel so incredibly privileged to be part of.
I have wanted this for so long – and it feels really good to feel like I have arrived.