Learning to say no without guilt can protect your wellbeing and support healthier relationships. Photo / 123RF
Learning to say no without guilt can protect your wellbeing and support healthier relationships. Photo / 123RF
Setting boundaries often means disappointing others. We asked therapists for advice on how to do it – without feeling guilty.
In the last few years, several celebrities have captured the spotlight by stepping back to prioritise their mental health.
First it was target="_blank">Simone Biles bowing out of the 2020 Olympics early. Then Naomi Osaka avoided talking to the press at the 2021 French Open, and the singer Shawn Mendes cancelled a tour in 2022. Most recently, the pop star Chappell Roan pulled out of two music festival performances.
These high-profile acts of self-preservation highlight an uncomfortable truth: although self-care is important, putting your own needs first often means letting others down. When you set boundaries, there is a good chance “some people will experience hurt, anger and disappointment”, said Juliane Taylor Shore, a licensed therapist and the author of Setting Boundaries That Stick.
The prospect of disappointing someone may cause you to set aside your own needs, Shore said, but you can get better at saying “no” without beating yourself up. We asked her and other mental health experts to share a few strategies.
Amy Wilson, 54, is a self-described former people-pleaser. But early in the pandemic, she found herself overextended while caring for a child with a chronic health issue. For the first time, she had to learn to get comfortable saying “no”.
When she announced the tough decision to step down as the board president of an organisation where she volunteered, she said a “weird silence” followed.
“The hard part, if you’re a people-pleaser, is to not fill that silence. To not say, ‘Oh, but never mind, maybe I can figure it out’,” said Wilson, author of Happy to Help, a collection of essays on the topic that will be released in January.
Setting boundaries can be a challenge because we are inherently social creatures, said Kathleen Smith, a therapist and the author of True to You.
It’s “automatic” for the human brain to care about what others think, Smith said, “and for good reason! We’re built to co-operate and to keep people calm and happy”.
Understanding that can give you courage to set boundaries anyway, whether they’re big – like pushing back in a workplace that piles on more work than you can handle, Smith said – or relatively small, like not answering your mother’s phone call when you are busy, even if that makes her anxious, she added.
Offer context – just not too much
“‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
Dr Gregory Scott Brown, a psychiatrist and author of The Self-Healing Mind, hears this phrase a lot. “That sounds cute,” he said. “But I think in real life it’s really hard to just tell everyone, ‘No’.”
Of course, you do not owe anyone specifics about your health or wellbeing, Brown said. But sharing a bit of context can help foster understanding.
Feel free to keep it simple, like, “No, I can’t do this because I need to focus a little more on my mental health,” he said, and do not let yourself get drawn into a back-and-forth.
He advises clients to keep in mind “boundary-setting is not the same as burning bridges”. You can always change your mind or set incremental limits on your time. “‘No’ doesn’t have to be this permanent thing,” he said.
Self-compassion is about finding a sweet spot between our needs and the needs of others, said Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, who has written several books on the topic.
After you let someone down, Neff recommends taking a few deep breaths and closing your eyes. Think about the person you let down and the precipitating event, and spend a few moments sitting with any feelings of pain or guilt that arise.
Next, remind yourself you are human, and encourage yourself to accept who you are. If you want, it may help to put your hand on your heart or elsewhere on your body and imagine compassion flowing from your hand toward yourself on your in-breath, Neff said.
And try not to see another person’s reaction to your news as a reflection of you. Shore emphasised you are not responsible for anyone’s feelings, which can be shaped by that person’s history or the kind of day they are having.
Boundary-setting isn’t about saying no forever – limits can be adjusted over time. Photo / 123RF
Think like an authoritative parent
Many parents become accomplished at tolerating their children’s distress while still setting boundaries, Smith said. And there is research showing this type of “authoritative parenting” serves children well.
“I don’t think we’re very good at remembering this with other adults,” Smith said. The same parents who are authoritative at home may struggle to say “no” to their boss, she said, or to a demanding friend.
So, it can help to channel a parental mindset, Smith said. Remember another person’s distress won’t kill you, and that preserving your wellbeing will ultimately strengthen your relationships.
“This is how we help kids grow up,” Smith said of boundary-setting, “and this is how we help each other grow up, also.”
