Breakups can shake us, but they also offer a chance to rebuild and grow into a stronger self. Photo / 123rf
Breakups can shake us, but they also offer a chance to rebuild and grow into a stronger self. Photo / 123rf
How to heal after heartbreak, rebuild self-esteem and approach dating with confidence
So you’re divorced. Or separated. Or recovering from the sizeable heartbreak of a serious relationship implosion. Sure, it was for the best, but try telling that to the small voice muttering “failure” after you close thelaptop on your latest binge-watching session in bed.
You’re contemplating”getting back out there” and making the most of the new-found freedom at your fingertips. It’s supposed to feel exciting, right? Something about entering your “slut era”? Except your self-esteem and self-trust seem to have taken a hit through this whole thing and you’re questioning how desirable the dating pool will find you.
A friend who loves “doing the work” suggested that now’s the time to be consciously single! To date yourself and become “the one”. They sent you a podcast episode, and you replied, “Definitely giving this a listen!” You didn’t though.
The dating scene has changed a lot since you were last single. A lot. No one seems to have good things to say about dating apps, yet they seem to be an almost mandatory single experience. The thought of creating a profile to advertise yourself feels terrifying and maybe ever so slightly exhilarating.
I separated from a partner of more than a decade last year. I’ve been through break-ups before, but this was the first time I had experienced true heartbreak – lying in bed, staring at the wall, struggling to feed myself, hoping and praying that this was the right decision. And it was. But in the thick of it, and at the risk of sounding over-dramatic, I kind of felt like I was dying. Besides being a separation survivor, I’m also a sex and relationships therapist. Despite winning two awards for my work, I’m still in the trenches with you, using the skills I teach to imperfectly navigate life and relationships.
I don’t know about you, but in the middle of my separation I often wondered how the heck I would survive heartbreak like this again. It was tempting to put the thickest of walls up around my heart, protecting me from the risk that is inherent in opening up to connection. But, as is human nature, I want to love and be loved. So I consciously decided that I was willing to pay the price of admission. I grieved, grieved some more, and stepped back into the arena.
Perhaps you’re looking to do the same? Or you’re already in the arena, face marred by dust, sweat and blood? Cause love is a battlefield, right? Jokes aside, my sincere intention with this article is to offer a few philosophies to carry with you on your quest for newfound connection and to encourage you to take the risk of opening your heart again. I truly believe it’s always worth it.
Michelle Kasey is a sex and relationships therapist, a burlesque artist and teacher, a champion pole dancer, and writer. Photo / Whenua Film
Embrace self-discovery
As destabilising as breakups can be, they’re also times of significant growth. Take this time to rediscover who you are outside of your former role as [insert name here]’s partner. What interests and passions have been dormant? Self-discovery involves trial and error, and this is your chance to explore freely. Is now the time to finally book that pole dancing class?
Consider what you’re really looking for through dating. Are you looking for a life partner or something casual? Perhaps a partner but with openness to casual connections along the way? Let your current needs guide you, rather than trying to replace your past relationship.
Take time to reflect on past patterns and unresolved emotions
Feel what needs to be felt. The feelings knocking at the door when you slow down? Let them in. Cry, rage, vent, hurt. Reaching out to your inner circle, beginning a journaling practice, or working with a professional can help with feelings too big to carry alone.
With a new relationship comes a clean slate, allowing you to enter as who you are today, free from any habits or dynamics formed in your last relationship. Take time to reflect on what went well, what needs you have, and what work you might need to do on yourself to avoid repeating the past.
Taking a break from dating can help rebuild self-worth and boost long-term confidence. Photo / 123rf
Find joy in the process
Finding joy in dating is a beautiful part of this new chapter. It’s easy (and perhaps accurate at times) to see dating as a series of hurdles, but it’s also an experience that can bring curiosity and play into your life! See each interaction as an opportunity to connect, share a laugh, and learn more about yourself.
There will be conversations that surprise you, moments that make you smile (and cringe), and encounters that remind you of the limitless possibilities life offers. This doesn’t have to just be about finding someone; it can be about enjoying where you are, who you’re becoming, and the freedom to explore at your own pace.
Embrace technology, but don’t let it dominate
Dating apps are a useful tool to meet people outside of your existing social network. But don’t let digital interactions replace real-world connections. It’s tempting to try to create the perfect image when building a profile. It’s valuable to have good photos and a bio that gives people an honest taste of the fabulous human you are and what you’re looking for, but remember that your authenticity is the most valuable thing you can bring to the table.
Dating apps have been shown to help users expand their social circles and self-awareness. Photo / 123rf
Reclaim your sexual self
Feeling nervous about being intimate with someone new? That’s totally normal. I encourage you to build a connection with your sexuality and desire that’s just about you. Your eroticism may have evolved and is ready to be rediscovered. Take time to explore your body mindfully, with fresh eyes, and reclaim your sexual self as yours (it always was, but you know what I mean). This is a powerful way to build comfort and confidence that you can carry into partnered intimacy when you’re ready.
If you approach every conversation – on an app or in real life – with the expectation that this person could be “the one” or the one to break your dry spell, you’ll quickly feel weighed down by disappointment. The key is to take actions that create opportunities for connection, be open to what unfolds, but leave heavy expectations at the door.
Instead of making it about “finding the perfect person”, focus on expanding your social circle, rediscovering yourself, strengthening your social skills, and having fun! You know how people often say they found love when they stopped looking for it? There’s truth in that – our expectations can easily get in the way. So drop the pressure to make every date a potential ending, and embrace the freedom of simply showing up as you are.
Practise patience and self-compassion
This journey may take time, and that’s okay. You might meet someone sooner than expected, or maybe life is inviting you to embrace being on your own for a while. Wherever you are in the process, allow yourself time to rebuild inner and outer stability. Mistakes will happen, but be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new path. It takes real courage to start again – and you have that courage.
Remember that this phase of your life is a time of reawakening. With each step forward, whether it’s a night out with friends, a new hobby, or a casual coffee date, you’re learning more about who you are and what brings you joy. Trust yourself. You’ve made it through a big heartbreak, and you’re stronger and wiser because of it.
As you put yourself out there, consider that love and connection aren’t destinations to race toward but rather experiences to grow from. Be open to the surprises, enjoy the side quests, and know that you are worthy of the kind of love that feels right for you.
Michelle Kasey (she/her) is an award-winning sex and relationships therapist who works with clients in NZ and internationally to have healthier relationships and more satisfying sex lives. She is also a celebrated burlesque artist and teacher, champion pole dancer, and writer.
