I found messages on my wife's phone in which she called me an 'unmotivated loser' - what should I do? Photo / Getty Images
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When looking through my wife’s phone for a friend’s number last month, I discovered all these messages between her and her best friends about me. Most of the messages were her complaining about normal marriage issues and I understand wanting to vent to friends about this, but some were really nasty. I haven’t progressed in my career as far as we thought I would when we first married and as a result don’t earn a huge wage. In her texts she’s called me an unmotivated loser and questioned why she’s still with me. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back and don’t know how to move past it. Should I confront her about the messages or carry on like I haven’t seen them? Thanks – Geoff
Hello Geoff,
What an unpleasant surprise you’ve had. It’s really understandable you are upset by discovering those messages. Sadly, it’s impossible to “carry on like I haven’t seen them”. What you have read is already significantly affecting you and your relationship, and you must talk about that with your spouse.
The idea of ignoring what you read and avoiding this kind of uncomfortable conversation naturally occurred to you. Many of the couples we see think similarly, emphasising the short-term gain of avoiding an unpleasant discussion over the much greater long-term benefits of talking about what they really think and feel.
It looks like both you and your partner fit this pattern: you with the fantasy that you could carry on like nothing has happened and her talking to her friends about her concerns regarding you are both avoidant strategies. Your discovery of those messages is an opportunity for you two to break out of this dangerous pattern and learn to relate in a braver and more intimate way. In the long term, whether or not you can do this will likely be more important to your relationship than the unkind things your wife has said about you.
The only way forward that has integrity is to raise what you have read with your wife. Your partner’s thoughts and feelings about you and your relationship need to be discussed. It would be best to reassure her that you are on for an honest talk about any misgivings or concerns she may have. You may need to do some self-reflection about the value of knowing what she thinks so that you really mean it when you say that.
Don’t let her deflect the conversation on to you breaching her privacy. Stress that this happened accidentally and insist she talks about what she thinks, not how you found out about it. If she remains defensive this way, take a break and return to the conversation another day.
By the same token, don’t emphasise her disloyalty or your sense of betrayal. As with her privacy concerns, these are side issues (and an almost inevitable fallout from avoiding difficult conversations). Emphasise that while it was difficult learning about some of her thoughts and feelings second-hand like this, you care about her misgivings and that you want to take the time to discuss them further.
However, before you speak to your partner, we recommend some serious soul-searching. Think about your contribution to creating the situation you find yourself in. It sounds like you have your own sense of disappointment or frustration about your career. Have you shared your thoughts on this with your partner? Or have you avoided the intimacy of talking about your fears and put a “brave” (avoidant) face on things?
Do you feel okay about your career not going as you had hoped, and have you retained your self-respect despite this? If you feel bad about yourself and how your job is going, it will be hard to be steady when hearing your wife’s thoughts and feelings on this. A common pattern would be for you to feel bad, even ashamed, about your career but to be defensive when your partner raises the issue. This kind of self-protection will likely have given her the impression that you don’t care about her concerns.
Did the two of you have plans, goals or dreams that required a certain income level? Have you discussed the implications for both of you of them not being possible? When things don’t work out as we had hoped, that’s a loss, which requires grieving. Grieving together can create connection, but doing it apart can generate resentment and aggrievement.
Another thing to consider is how much responsibility your partner has taken for your financial situation. If you have been the primary breadwinner, was that a considered choice for you both? If you have both been working full time, was there ever any discussion about expectations of earning or lifestyle? Did you ever explicitly talk about who is responsible for what?
So be honest with yourself if you think your avoidance and under-engaging around this tricky topic is part of the problem. Go into the conversation with your partner ready to acknowledge that.
The conversation is unlikely to go well if your wife continues denigrating you using terms like “loser”. Stress that you are willing to hear her feelings, fears and concerns, but don’t let her talk about you in such a pejorative way. Someone can talk about feeling let down or hurt by their partner’s choices or attitude without running their partner down.
If your partner holds you in deep contempt as “a loser”, this may spell the end of your relationship. It is not wise to stay in a relationship with someone who continuously treats you disrespectfully like that. It is important to determine whether she can accept what has happened, whether she is seriously questioning why she has stayed with you, or if she was just letting off steam about things she has kept bottled up for far too long.
However, it’s perhaps more likely that she has not adjusted and processed her disappointment at things not working out as she had hoped and expected. Especially if you haven’t given her detailed information about the choices you have made and the priorities you have chosen. If you talk with her openly and intimately about what’s been going on for you, she may come to feel quite differently about your present situation.
It may be that you have conflicting priorities (e.g. she places material success ahead of enjoying the moment, and you put those two things the other way around). That’s a challenging but vital conversation to have. If you are going to live in harmony, you do need to work through these kinds of differences and arrive at common goals and an agreement about your lifestyle. This isn’t easy, but it is part of building a truly intimate connection.
You have some challenging conversations ahead of you, but see them as a chance to change a pattern of avoidance that doesn’t serve you well. If you work together to learn how to be more open and explore your differences and end up staying together, you will likely have a much more rewarding relationship in the long run.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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