Advice: My son’s marriage is falling apart - should they stay together for the kids?

What do you do when you're worried that her grandchildren are being harmed by their parents' messy relationship? Illustration / Marta Monteiro, The New York Times

Question: My daughter-in-law asked my son for a divorce almost two years ago because she had fallen in love with another man. My son does not want a divorce for the kids’ sake. He and his wife have made a deal that she will not push for a divorce if she is allowed to spend one night and day each week with her lover.

As part of this agreement, my son and daughter-in-law have also chosen to sleep in separate bedrooms. The kids are 4 and 6 1/2 years old, and I believe the older child is realising something unusual is up.

My son believes he is to blame for his wife straying and has actively changed his behaviour in hopes of winning her back, but to no avail.

“I’m concerned about their situation. Is it better for the kids’ sake to plan for a legal separation and divorce now, or to wait until they are older?”

From the therapist: It makes sense that you’re concerned – both for your son, who is caught in a painful limbo, and for your grandchildren, who are growing up in the middle of it. In a way, you are stuck, too – anxious about their wellbeing and trying to get information that might help. You’re asking about timing, but I think what’s troubling you is this: “What kind of environment are the children growing up in right now?”

The kids live in a household where one parent secretly leaves weekly to be with a lover, the parents sleep in separate bedrooms, and their father is trying to win back a wife who has checked out of the marriage. Your son and daughter-in-law might think they have an “agreement,” but in practice it’s an arrangement that prioritises avoidance over resolution. It allows your son to cling to false hope and stay stuck in self-blame, your daughter-in-law to split her loyalties, and the children to live in a household rife with deception.

Children don’t need the details to sense when something is off. They feel the tension in the air, the distance between parents, the compromises lurking in the background. When kids grow up in a household where love looks like one-sided chasing, resignation or secret double lives, they often feel unsafe and struggle to trust. The 6-year-old notices “something unusual” already, and both children will grow up confused by the gap between what they are told and what they see. That disconnect often does more long-term damage than divorce itself.

This doesn’t mean divorce is easy on children – it’s not. But staying together at all costs doesn’t necessarily protect children. What protects them is stability, clarity and parents who model relationships where truth, however difficult, prevails over pretence.

So rather than asking if they should divorce now or later, a more useful question is: What version of this family will give the children the healthiest model of love and stability? That’s the conversation your son and his wife need to have with a therapist, because their well-intentioned deal is likely to cause more harm than good. And because untangling ambivalence, self-worth, grief, betrayal, regret and guilt is hard to do alone.

All of that said, your role as the grandmother is tricky. When people we love are in crisis, our instinct is to step in. But what your son needs from you isn’t your opinion on the best timing of divorce for his children. What he and his family need is for you to be a safe, steady presence as they navigate a turbulent marital system.

You can do this by listening without meddling. If your son shares information with you, meet him with compassion, not a plan. You can say “this sounds so painful” instead of “here’s what you need to do”.

If he specifically asks for advice, you can offer perspective gently and sparingly: “I can see how much you’re hurting, and I worry about what the kids might be picking up on. I’m always here to support you, but I think getting some professional guidance from a therapist on what the kids need in this situation will help all of you the most.”

Meanwhile, think about how you can provide safety and respite for the grandchildren. You might invite them for sleepovers, cultivate family traditions or create fun rituals together. Your worry for them is understandable, but remember that in the midst of a tense and complicated household situation, offering the presence of an adult who’s calm, straightforward and predictable can make a meaningful difference in their lives, no matter what happens in their parents’ marriage.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Lori Gottlieb

Photographs by: Marta Monteiro

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