Advice: I thought I was a straight woman but I’ve fallen in love with my female neighbour

"I spend my entire day thinking of her and calculating ways and excuses to text her." Photo / 123rf

I have never been attracted to members of my own sex previously but this was like a lightning bolt – should I tell her?

Dear Rachel,

I am in my early 30s and live alone in a small house in a nice area. I’ve had a few long-term relationships with guys, one being quite significant but it fell apart at the true commitment stage. When I moved here about 18 months ago, I met a neighbour whom I shall call Sarah who is a very fit mid-50s, lives in a lovely, larger detached house and is divorced with two grown-up daughters. We both love cooking and music and she introduced me to lots of friends and got me involved in the local am-dram group.

I will admit that I was probably drawn to her as a mother substitute (mine died when I was only seven) but I don’t feel the need to make excuses because of that. I have never been attracted to members of my own sex previously and assume she hasn’t (although I dare not ask) but this was like a lightning bolt and I spend my entire day thinking of her and calculating ways and excuses to text her, call her or simply knock on her door to spend time with her.

“I’ve never been so happy as things are now but I really need to know if she feels the same and, if so, whether to take it further. I’d be astounded if she doesn’t realise that I am head over heels in love with her as I’m like a teenager (puppy?) when we’re together, which is often. There’s the problem with her daughters; will they see me as trying to “muscle-in” on their inheritance if Sarah and I become partners? What if Sarah says no? Might I ruin the best thing in my life? Do I need more than I have?

“Sex isn’t necessarily essential as love and closeness is really what I seek but the thought of sleeping together is dreamy too. One minute I imagine her just waiting for me to say I love her and falling into each other’s arms and the next, there’s the nightmare of facing rejection and trying to rebuild what we now have amid a troubled and somewhat ruined atmosphere. Is this just a cowardly way of me asking you to make the decision for me, Rachel?

– Anon”

Dear Anon,

Let’s go through your letter as it comes. Only a novelist of the calibre of Sarah Waters – start with The Paying Guests – could do justice to the simmering sapphic domestic romantasy you outline. Your few long-term relationships with men didn’t work out. You’re living on your own in what I think is called a “bougie” neighbourhood (I’m seeing a Gail’s, inn serving craft ales, church hall where you do your am-dram, Italian restaurant specialising in rustic pasta dishes from Puglia, etc).

Down the road, in an even more desirable family house (what the French call “une villa avec jardin”) lives “Sarah” the fit divorcee. You are smitten for the first time with a person of your own sex, and pining for more. It’s clear that you are very aware of the tricksiness of the situation: she’s older, she’s better housed, you hang out a lot and you have “fallen head over heels in love with her”.

My immediate reaction to this is twofold. One, forget the fact that she is female. You are passionate about this person, how they make you feel, and what they mean to you. What’s between their legs is beside the point unless and until it gets physical. You are wondering how to move it to that next stage, to move her from back burner to front burner.

Switch the sexes, then: if she were some hunk in the ’hood, what would you do? You’d arrange drinks in the local… you’d gaze into his eyes… you’d ask about his love life… you know the drill. And then, at the end of the evening, it’s do you fancy a nightcap at mine or getting a bit nuzzly as you say goodbye… and Bob’s your uncle or not. When it comes to Sarah, yes, you do risk changing the basis of your relationship if it’s a shocked, hard no from her. But women are nothing if not forgiving. If she values your friendship, I doubt she will fling you into outer darkness for the crime of falling in love with her. I doubt she will cast you asunder – or unfriend you, as we say now – if you make a subtle approach.

As Alan Clark – the celebrated Tory lunger – wondered in the innocence of the pre-MeToo era: “How do you know a pass is unwanted until you’ve made it?” In my younger days, a couple of girlfriends suggested we take things up a notch and I said thank you but no thanks and it was all swept under the rug quite fast. I wasn’t appalled, I was flattered! Most people would be if a younger person declared undying love and on the whole, we Brits are far too terrified and constipated about telling people we love them, even on their deathbed. Moving to my next reaction, then.

Reading between the lines, you suspect you have fallen in love with a mother figure. I’m sure there is something in this. Your curious assumption that you will be seen as a beneficiary of her will by her daughters only confirms my suspicions. She represents maternal and financial security, and perhaps this is what you are in love with as it’s been missing from your life. Of course you ache for the love, nurture and comfort of an older woman that sadly you lacked from an early age and this is what I think you should say to Sarah.

So I’d come clean and tell her this. You think you are falling in love with her but you don’t want to lose her as a friend and companion whether she reciprocates or not (I’m afraid you have to assume she doesn’t – listen to your gut here. Why would you be writing to me if you were sure that your approach would be met with the answering gleam?). At the same time, you should be open about the unhealed “childhood wound” that is sending your emotional compass into a spin when you’re around her.

My instinct is that you are in an emotional storm and you should sit it out until it passes. If you are impelled to push it further despite this advice, and ask her to walk on the wild side with you, it is, as you know, high risk, high reward. At the moment your relationship is simmering on the back burner and it looks like only you want to move it to forward and start cooking with gas. Either way, I suspect that Sarah – if she is kind and nice as well as mature – will feel compassion and not revulsion if you admit you have fallen for her, and either way, you will survive. As my late mother always said: “’Tis better to have loved than to have never loved at all.”