Three Kiwi women share their experiences and advice on dating after divorce. Photo / Getty Images
Three Kiwi women tell Sinead Corcoran Dye what it’s really like getting back out there after a marriage ends.
Polly*, 40, brand manager
I met my husband at university when I was 19 and he was 18. We were together for 14 years and married for three before we separated. What began as a “young, wild and free” loving relationship over the years turned toxic, unbalanced and sad. When our first child was eight months old and I was battling post-partum depression and anxiety, he began an affair with a young, blonde colleague. I found out about it when I was 11 weeks pregnant with our second, two weeks before the first big Covid lockdown in March 2020.
I tried to go on my first date after the split the following year, when my youngest was 4 months old. I had decided to take the plunge as my mum was in town – and ended up getting stood up, and never heard from him again. Nice.
After that I downloaded a few dating apps and tried to get my head around what the new dating world looked like since I was last single. I’ve used Hinge, Tinder, Bumble and Feeld – and while I’ve always considered myself educated in the intimacy world, wow. It’s a mammoth learning curve getting my head around all the acronyms and how to write a profile – let alone wading through all the fish pics, and “don’t want drama” bios. (spoiler alert, those people are always the drama.)
I’ve since been on a handful of dates post-split – seeing a couple of people a couple of times, and a few for a few months. And I’ve managed to work out how to weed out most of the time wasters – and have ended up meeting a few interesting and lovely men, all who have taught me something about myself.
But I’m finding it extremely hard meeting men outside of the apps in “real life” - between working fulltime, having two kids, and being a woman my age. Most people in my demographic are either married or are past the stage of barhopping, not that I want to meet someone who does.
I’m always upfront about the fact that I’m divorced, and a mum – and will either chat about my situation over message or in person once we’ve met up. In my experience it’s never been a big deal unless the other person is fresh out of a relationship and not ready for something serious.
And I’ve had two serious relationships since the breakup. One for nearly a year but as he wasn’t ready to commit, I walked away – which I regret. Another for five months but we decided to just be friends. And while things didn’t work out with either of them, they both taught me so much about myself and I learnt what a healthy relationship should look like - and to trust my instincts.
When it comes to dating as a mother, for the most part I’ve kept my kids out of it. They’ve only seen me kiss one man who wasn’t their father – the one who I decided in the end to just be friends with. But he’s still an incredible role model for my boys. And I’d need to be in a really serious relationship to introduce someone new to them.
While I haven’t found my person yet I’ll continue to date as I’m romantic and have unwavering hope. I’m trying to trust in the universe and believe that everything works out. But God, it’s hard sometimes. And it’s a real grieving process, when you meet a man you really like and it doesn’t work out. When that happens, for whatever reason, it’s always a grieving process. And while I know these things are all about timing, I am hoping love isn’t too far away for me. So, I’ll continue to have hope and trust and keep putting myself out there in situations that might allow opportunity and joy.
My advice to anyone trying to date again after divorce? Therapy. Especially because dating will likely bring up any triggers you hold on to from your previous relationship. Therapy is also a chance to learn about yourself – particularly if you have kids – and then be able to put your best self forward.
And when you are ready to date again – try to enjoy it. You deserve some light and fun, and at the very least it will wind up being a hilariously bad story to tell your friends.
But remember to take some down time from dating when you need it. Being single and “out there” can be exhausting and deflating – so make sure to have alone time, and recharge with friends and family. Try not to rush into anything, what’s meant to be will be etc.
In my experience unfortunately there is such a shortage of men that can step up to the plate and be communicative, healthy, loving, empathetic and committed partners. As a mother I feel there is still such a toxic relationship between young girls and boys, and so much to teach our teens and beyond about healthy relationships and marriage - but we’re getting there.
But I still urge women not to lose hope or themselves. Try to enjoy the little moments of fun that dating can bring so that you can heal from heartbreak and move forward.
Colette*, 34, personal assistant
I was married nearly 13 years, and pre-kids it was fun and fairly easy. Once we became parents, however, everything changed. I had expected us to be a “unit,” when it came to raising and wrangling the kids – but we didn’t operate as a team, which is what I wanted and needed. After the birth of our second child, we tried therapy – but any changes my partner made were always short-lived and never consistent.
We split shortly after the nationwide lockdown ended in August 2021. With my partner back at work and three kids under five it became clear that we would never be an equal parenting partnership - and it didn’t feel fair. By that point I’d also realised I was lonely in my marriage, I couldn’t keep trying anymore and I didn’t want to model an unhealthy relationship for my kids.
A few months later I joined Hinge, and I loved it. The fact I was separated always came up easily and naturally in conversation, and I enjoyed meeting new people over a drink and hearing their stories. And as dating apps hadn’t been around when I was last single it was a real novelty.
I’ve had one serious relationship since the split. We dated for a few months, and he was the first person I introduced to the kids post-separation. And while the relationship didn’t work out, I felt comfortable with him meeting my children as their dad has had another partner for two years who is a lovely addition to their lives.
I’ve dated casually since then, but I am content with that. I’m enjoying being on my own and have a very happy and full life – with friends, family, a good work/life balance and my own home. I’m not lonely and I don’t feel like I am missing anything at this point by not having a partner.
And right now, it’s tricky to find the time to go on dates, as my kids are only with their dad every second weekend. But I’m definitely open to love if the right person comes along, at the right time.
I’d encourage other singletons to not be too caught up in meeting “the one,” - especially on the apps - as you have no idea who you’ll end up clicking with in real life. Give people a chance, swipe right, say yes – just always stay safe and tell a friend when and where you’re going.
If the date works out – great, see them again and show them more. If it doesn’t, at the very least you’ll still get a story out of it.
Emily*, 37, mother
My ex-husband and I met when we both worked in real estate and were together 13 years. He was – and still is – an amazing man, and we had a lovely lifestyle raising our beautiful boys together. He was always my favourite person to hang out with.
Things ended between us after I had battled difficult mental health issues over the years – and instead of dealing with things, I pulled away and we grew apart.
I started dating quite soon after the split, which was a big mistake. After dating a series of utterly wrong people I realised I needed some time alone to sort through what was going on in my life, make some changes and face the issues going on for me.
The first person I dated seriously after that, I sat him down on the couch and said “So I’m divorced with three kids, two cats and a dog. I am really hard work so this probably won’t work”. We’re now engaged and have just had another baby. It’s been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful to him.
And my sons were very happy when my fiancé came along. They were happy to see their mum happy again - especially with a man they knew cared about me and showed me so much love. I have 50/50 custody with my ex, and my new partner got straight into helping me with the boys and ferrying them around to school, play dates and sports. And he’s such a clown so they almost feel like he’s an older brother. There are of course some tense times, like there are with any parenting relationship – but they get over any hiccups fast.
So, my advice for others is don’t rush into trying to meet someone new – and be brave, be bold and never change to get someone to want to be with you.
I wish I had waited longer after the split until getting back out there - it could have saved me a huge amount of heartache and some very messy situations.
Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you need to lower your standards – you won’t rot on the shelf. When the time is right the right person will come along.
Sinead Corcoran Dye is an Auckland-based writer, copywriter and communications specialist with a decade of experience in lifestyle content. The mother of one and stepmother of two’s first book on motherhood will be published in February 2025.
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