Rachel Hunter's Enigmatic Enema
This week, Rachel put her arse on the line in the name of beauty... again. Rachel Hunter's Tour of Beauty travelled to India this week, where Rachel learned about the importance of smiling, wearing orange, and putting a lot of tumeric on your face. That's all good and well but, frankly, Rachel was mad constipated. And that's not beautiful.
After getting oiled up for an enema, she lay on the wooden table and waited. "Combining oil and honey is nothing new when it comes to making muesli, but this oil is going where the sun don't shine!"
Please Rachel, this is not the time to talk about muesli. Weirdly, things took so long to kick off that seemingly all the staff at the spa closed down the premises, turning out the lights around her.
"Everybody's left and I still haven't... taken a poo" Rachel says desperately down the barrel, a woman clearly on the edge. Rest assured, the enema came through and Rachel scampered to the toilet on national television. Can't beat it. / AC
Shortland Street's Gas Leak
Understandably reluctant to let The Bachelor win the 2015 TV Guide Award for Best Fart uncontested, Shortland Street produced its own outstanding moment of televised flatulence this week. They didn't hold back, either, combining what sounded like two, possibly even three different high quality sound effects to produce a truly unique blow off - a long, revolting rumble punctuated by a sharp toot, its inflection rising like a question mark. The incident came exactly half way through Tuesday night's episode, after pregnant receptionist Bella Cooper was rushed to ED suffering what seemed like premature contractions, which her mother and nurse Wendy wrongly diagnosed as Braxton Hicks. "It's perfectly normal to suffer from intestinal gas at this stage in your pregnancy," Wendy explained to her daughter and everyone watching at home. / CH
American Horror Story Checks in to Gaga-Land
Last night SoHo the premiere of the latest instalment in the American Horror Story franchise: and this time it's set in a terrifying haunted hotel. Combining elements from The Shining, Saw, Se7en and the back room of a slaughterhouse, the first episode had more terror and bloodshed than you'll see anywhere else on television. I still can't tell you what that the series is really about yet, apart from the fact that a lot of people died and Lady Gaga is some sort of immortal blood sucker with a penchant for pointy gloves. Far patchier than past seasons, Hotel feels like an exercise (or exorcism) in all the most dreadful things lurking in the closet of the human psyche. I'm scared and I'm hooked. / AC
Grand Designs' Eligible Bachelor
The long-awaited debut of New Zealand's own version of Grand Designs finally aired on Sunday night after yet another hour-and-a-half instalment of The Block, and the contrast to that show's extreme low-grade reno shenanigans couldn't have been greater. Chris Moller emerged from the long shadow cast by the original British version's Kevin McCloud to prove himself a more than capable host - affable and knowledgeable without ever stealing the spotlight from his subject. And what a subject Catlins deer farmer Lachlan McDonald was, building himself a modernist concrete bunker on his spectacular and remote block of land. The enigmatic bachelor was a man of few words, but just about every sentence he did speak could have been written down to form a book of Kiwi koans. This Sunday's episode takes a different path and sees Moller rolling up his sleeves and slinging handfuls of mud at the walls of an eco-house. / CH (Click here to find out how to live like Grand Designs on a regular human budget)
3D Tackles Harms of Pornography
This week marked 3D's move to the Monday night slot on TV3 at 9.30pm, and sadly drew in the lowest ratings in its three years on air (click here to read the full story). Which is a damn shame, because it featured a fantastic, eye-opening report into the harms of internet pornography. Speaking to several brave men who admitted to being addicted to watching porn, the investigation revealed the damaging social and scientific ramifications of this largely secretive but blatantly common occurrence. Not only can it LITERALLY RESHAPE parts of your brain, but several interviewees admitted to having trouble becoming aroused IRL without watching porn. The investigation revealed terrifying stuff, and felt absolutely crucial in the same week that Boobs on Bikes paraded down Auckland's Queen Street. It's just a damn shame that nobody watched it. / AC
Watch: RuPaul's Drag Race, Friday on TV2 at 9.30pm - Searching for America's next drag superstar, this fierce reality competition has more feathers, lipstick and high heels than your Friday night ever could.
Binge: Heroes on Lightbox (click here to watch) - With the new reboot season Heroes Reborn swooping down to TV3, why not go back to where it all this small screen superhero palaver began this weekend?
Movie: The 40 Year Old Virgin, Saturday on TV3 at 8.55pm - This movie launched Steve Carrell into the big comedy leagues, and also introduced the world to goldfish that live in platform shoes. Genius.