Enough. No more clone jokes. It's time that I saw past the exasperating and depressing sameness of the contestants on dating show The Bachelorette and recognised their humanity. Their soul. Their – and this is what it's all about, more so than the outward appearance of their matching tattoos, half-beards and ripped abs – heart.
At last night's conclusion of week two of their quite possibly endless search for love, the clones – sorry, the guys – were in varying states of ecstasy and distress, with the promise of much more distress to come. The teaser for Sunday night's show had the clones – sorry, the men – at each other's throats. It looked tense. It looked aggro. It looked very entertaining, thank God; I like a brainless TV show as much as the next person without a brain, but The Bachelorette can be very, very, very boring.
Tonight's show ended with the revelation that the clones – sorry, the fellows – would all be going to Argentina. Actually, not all of them; no sooner had they finished jumping up for joy, than another revelation dropped out of host Art Green's mouth. One contestant, creaked the wooden Art, would not go to Argentina. That contestant would miss out. That contestant would have to leave the mansion.
Cruel! But who? Which one? The teaser for Sunday night's show went by fast, but I made out quite a number of the clones – sorry, the boys – who were at each other's throats. Marc was there. Tavita was there. Even bloody Glenn was there. I may be mistaken and I sincerely hope I am because I really dig this clone – sorry, individual – but I'm pretty sure I didn't see Conor.
Not Conor! Conor had a lot to offer. He was a still water that ran deep. Very, very still; I don't think I ever saw his eyes move, and yet he had such big, round, watchful eyes, the kind that you sometimes see in oil paintings and seem to follow you around the room without, you know, moving.
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And so he had depth of field, and he seemed to have depth of feeling, too. He masked it with a surface blandness. It was Conor who Plato had in mind when he wrote, "There is in every one of us, even those who seem to be most moderate, a type of desire that is terrible, wild, and lawless."
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But if my suspicions are correct, and he hasn't made the trip to Argentina, we shall never see Conor's wild and lawless desire. Mind you, Hottie Lesina didn't see it either, and she went on a date with him on tonight's show. She didn't give him a rose. She didn't give him jack. "Obviously it does suck a bit that I didn't get a rose," he said, with a type of blandness which was terrible.
Hotties and clones, clones and hotties. I mean ex-clones, non-clones, the contestants previously known for the past fortnight in these reviews as clones. They're good dudes. They're looking for happiness. They're going to Argentina, minus one. Conor! Hang in there, man. Hope to see you on Sunday night.