I've decided to spend the lead-up to Christmas 2020 watching a ton of Christmas movies, as part of a desperate attempt to insert some holiday cheer into this hellscape of a year. To justify this time of my life that I will never get back, I'm going to write all about it so you don't make the same mistakes I made. You're welcome.
I watched Happiest Season twice last week which, in itself, tells you this is not going to be a negative review.
The first time, I watched it because I'll watch anything Dan Levy is involved with, even if that's a three-hour slow motion low-resolution video of a snail moving crossing my backyard in the pitch-black night. Levy, of Schitt's Creek fame, is a god among us mere mortals and, even if I was the kind of complete idiot who had not yet realised that, this movie proves it.
His character - boringly called John (sorry to all Johns, but you know) is the voice of reason throughout the movie while also being, by far, the funniest character.
But anyway, enough about Levy (sorry Dan, love you, call me), the main characters in the movie are queer couple Harper (Mackenzie Davis) and Abby (Kristen Stewart). Harper takes Abby to meet her parents for Christmas but, because she is the world's sh*ttiest girlfriend, it's only when they're nearly there that she mentions to Abby she hasn't actually told them she's gay and, in fact, told them Abby was nothing more than her orphaned flatmate who had no one else to spend Christmas with.
Now that we've established that Harper sucks, we get to the fun task of finding out why.
Harper's parents are quintessentially middle-class folk who live a seemingly perfect life. The "seemingly" is the key bit - behind that veneer of niceness, quality bone china, homebaking, mahogany furniture, the impeccable preppy dresses and the picture-perfect home, the family hides more secrets than the pyramids in Egypt.
Once the two of them arrive at home, it quickly becomes clear that Harper's sister Jane (played by Mary Holland, who co-wrote the movie) is the only likeable character in the family. She is happy in herself, and doesn't choose her actions according to what other people want her to be - so of course no one else in the family gives two tenths of a crap about her. Her other sister, Sloane (played by Alison Brie), quit her highly paid corporate lawyer job to make gift baskets - sorry, "curated gift experiences inside of handmade reclaimed wood vessels" - but it's ok because she has a husband and twin children so she's doing life right, you see.
Their mother is so content to live in her husband's shadow, she sometimes appears like she would singlehandedly set women's rights back 40 years if given the chance. At one point, when Harper suggests turning an empty bedroom into a home office for her mum, the mum answers with "men need offices, dear".
She's introduced to the viewer when she opens the door to Abby and Harper and immediately stops them so she can take their photo for her husband's Instagram account - a tool in his race to be the next mayor of their town. That small act is the perfect metaphor for the importance she places on what things "look" like, regardless of what they are.
It's not that I hated these people - it's just that I couldn't bring myself to like them.
The movie benefits from an incredible cast, including Aubrey Plaza (Riley) who instantly elevates any movie she's in, one of those actresses who doesn't even need to say any lines to convey a whole mood.
Kristen Stewart is perfect in the role of Abby, the loving and understanding partner who is out of the closet and ready to live her truth but who spends the whole movie living in secret and playing by Harper's rules.
What's different about this romcom is that it's not about two people falling in love. It's about two people who are already settled in their love - they've been living together for a while and seem genuinely comfortable around each other - discovering how to make that love fit within their lives.
Harper is a different person around her family - and that's something that, if we're honest, we can all relate to a bit.
So many scenes in the movie reminded me of the first few verses in Philip Larkin's This Be The Verse poem - "They f**k you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do". Harper is a very obvious product of her upbringing. When she's with Abby, in their own life in Pittsburgh, she's free to be herself but the moment she steps into her parents' home, she automatically reverts to the Harper her parents raised her to be. Mackenzie Davis, who plays the character, does a good job of the "role within a role" and you can feel Harper's tension as she tries to navigate both sides of herself.
The most poignant point of the film isn't the moment of their reconciliation. What really got my eyes leaking was the moment Dan Levy's character (here we go again, I can't help myself) tells Abby about how queer people all have in common that terrifying moment just before they announce they're gay, when they know their world is about to change. John then tells Abby that just because Harper is not ready to come out to her parents, it doesn't mean she doesn't love her.
Suddenly, your dislike of Harper melts away and you realise you're the one who was being a judgemental so-and-so who has no idea what her situation even feels like.
Despite some obvious gags, like the time when Abby has to hide in a literal closet, the movie is smart, genuinely funny and with has just enough emotional moments to get you right in the feelings.
For me, as I sat there watching it on the third day of December, already three days behind on that advent calendar I was meant to make for my daughter, it was also a timely reminder that picture-perfect lives are not real - a realisation that takes a lot of pressure out of this time of the year, when we rush to find the perfect gifts and cook the perfect meals and be our perfect selves.
Ultimately, Happiest Season is a movie about being happiest when you are yourself, letting go of the expectations you think others have for you because, as we often forget, everyone's just trying to do their best and those who love you, love you no matter what.
In the end, Abby and Harper reconcile at a petrol station, because queer relationships too can be as dull and conventional as a simple make-up kiss in a poorly lit carpark. And thankfully, despite all the ridiculously awful stuff this year has brought us, queer couples too can take center stage on a big screen. Good riddance to the time when that was a big deal.