Paul Thomas: How PM stacks up in a more nuanced world

Opinion

Comedian John Oliver reckons the Prime Minister's "thank you for your honesty" interview on Radio Hauraki is "the single greatest political interview of all time".

I wouldn't have thought it stacked up against the David Frost-Richard Nixon interview, which was made into a feature film, but then Oliver works in America where politicians get asked questions like "Have you received word from God and what did he tell you to do?" Or, "If you were going to college today, what brand and calibre of firearm would you carry?"

As a public service to get a handle on whether the Prime Minister is in or out of the mainstream, I've taken the test. On radio you answer yes or no, but the radio audience has the attention span of a kitten.

Here in print journalism we deal in nuance and context, hence my fuller answers.

Have you been drunk, tipsy or twangered (stupidly or annoyingly drunk) in the past month?

John Key: No.

PT: A qualified no. I live alone and don't get out much so, no matter how much I drink, there's no one to annoy or to determine whether I've crossed the line into stupidity. (Even if my dog could speak, she'd never say a bad word about me: she's a Labrador.)

I must acknowledge that if the time frame was longer than a month, the answer would be a resounding yes. But then I'm a writer, not a prime minister, and getting twangered now and again is part of the job description.

Have you ever killed an animal bigger than an insect?

JK: No.

PT: Yes. As a child I killed a thrush that had a broken wing and was therefore dinner in waiting for a neighbourhood cat.

I saw it as a mercy killing but it's possible the bird would've rather been mauled to death than put out of its misery with a cricket stump. Being young and impetuous, I didn't pause to consider.

Have you ever pashed a man?

JK: No.

PT: I don't know. Years ago, and quite possibly somewhat twangered, I found myself in an underground bar in Berlin, a smoky, murky dive whose clientele included a number of attractive young Thai women, one of whom took a shine to me.

The following day, a companion on the bar crawl whose research was more thorough than mine suggested the Thai women were not all they seemed; that they were in fact transvestites.

I suspect he was right but who knows what stage of transformation my Thai had reached? So while I should probably answer in the affirmative, I didn't do so knowingly, which I think is the point of the question.

Was the Virgin Mary really a virgin?

JK: No.

PT: She was either a virgin or she wasn't the mother of Jesus. She can't have it both ways and be a real person, but then we are talking about myth rather than history.

Do you trim your downstairs?

JK: No.

PT: No. As far as the male of the species is concerned, surely only bodybuilders, porn stars and narcissists - there may be a bit of overlap - do that.

Have you ever done wees in the shower?

JK: Yes.

PT: Not since I was old enough to know better - i.e. 5.

Have you ever stolen anything?

JK: Yes.

PT: Yes. Again, we're going back to childhood. For no other reason than to experience the thrill of the forbidden, a friend and I went on a shoplifting spree in Newmarket.

Whether out of envy, malice or because he was a goody-two-shoes, a classmate - who grew up to become a QC - narked us out and we got into an immense amount of trouble.

Have you ever sent a dick pic?

JK: No.

PT: No. Again, it's not the sort of thing grown-ups who aren't porn stars or narcissists even think of doing.

Is Wendy Petrie sexy?

JK: Yes.

PT: No, but then I'm sure she'd say the same about me.