Steve Braunias: Who knows what next week will bring on The Bachelorette

COMMENT:

Things right now are serious. Things right now are very serious, very serious indeed; things right now might even be described as tense, possibly even downright grim. Who knows what next week will bring? Yes, things right now are going crazy on The Bachelorette.

Last night's show was a cliffhanger. It was a cliff of romance, and the last five remaining bachelors hung from it for dear life. They were watched over by the Sherpas at the top of the cliff, Hottie Lesina and Hottie Lily, who the bachelors have been trying to conquer since the series began a long, long time ago.

That metaphor doesn't quite work. Who wants to conquer a Sherpa? But I couldn't very well describe Lesina and Lily as mountain tops. Anyway, there they were, the two women who represent the prize on The Bachelorette, watching and judging and weighing things up, and generally not really having the foggiest who to choose, not because Bachelor Logan, Bachelor Aaron, Bachelor Jesse, Bachelor Richie and Bachelor Quinn are so irresistible or even especially appealing, but more so because Lesina and Lily both seem to be leaning towards not wanting to make any kind of decision on account of they can't be arsed.

Lesina, in particular, gives the impression she'd rather by anywhere than having to choose between her two suitors, Bachelor Aaron and Bachelor Logan, which is to say she'd rather be nowhere. "I could choose Aaron," she mused. "Or I could choose Logan. Or I could choose no one." Her speech reminded me of the great opening monologue from Trainspotting, when Ewan McGregor's character lists the boring choices available in modern society: "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f***ing big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home …" Likewise, Lesina stared down the abyss of what was available to her — soppy Logan, phoney Aaron, or the peace and quiet of no one. No one was looking good.

As for Lily, she was torn with indecision, forced to choose between Bachelor Jesse, Bachelor Richie and Bachelor Quinn, while at the same time having to reckon with the truthiness of something Jesse said that Richie said about Lily but which Richie denied and said to Lily that Jesse was bad news and had thrown him under a bus. Lily received all of this information like she'd been hit by a bus, which must surely explain why the first person she chose last night to stay on the series was Jesse.

She must have been in shock. Her judgment was impaired. She doesn't want to sleep with Jesse; she admitted that last night, when she said, "I don't take Jesse as a sexual person." And so she now has to choose between Richie and Quinn. That's where last night's show finished, on the edge of a cliff. We have to wait till Sunday to see which one got the Sherpa. Can a Sherpa be a woman? These are surreal times, very surreal indeed.