SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
Good evening and welcome back to another riveting recap of what happened on tonight's episode of The Bachelorette.
By GOD did we leave you on a cliffhanger last night, right?
Well you'll be absolutely thrilled to know that Steve and Liam weren't actually sent home, the show hasn't been canceled and my recaps will be continuing until the end of time - how fab for everyone but mostly me.
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 18: The worst cocktail party ever, and a Christmas cliffhanger
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 17: Quinn goes to hospital, and is Richie the new villain?
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 16: Lesina's brave, Lily kisses Hot Richie, Tavita goes home and Jesse's hysterical
• The Bachelorette NZ recap, episode 15: Mike calls Lesina out on her BS and it's so hot
Despite the rest of the boys being told to pack up Steve and Liam's things because they're NEVER RETURNING and are GONE FOR GOOD, it was all smoke and mirrors baybay.
No one was going home, but everyone was finally being released from that terrible Buenos Aires prisonesque backpackers and moving into that sexy farmhouse in the countryside, hooray!
The first day out of jail and at their new abode was spent competing in a Masterchef-style barbecue competition to win one-on-one time with the gals.
Just like the real Masterchef, the boys had to fight over ingredients - and as Lesina only eats chicken everyone was absolutely losing their sh*t trying to nab the only one on the shelf, in particular, Hot Mike, who you can tell is not used to not being handed on a silver platter all the metaphorical chickens in life.
Despite Logan and kumara farmer Michael winning the chook to share, Mike had an utter rage tantrum yet again, and demanded he be given one too.
"I NEED MORE CHICKEN"
"There is no more chicken Mike"
"WELL THAT'S A PROBLEM!!"
Mike is out the absolute gate, I truly have no words. Meanwhile Lily decides that Richie is her barbecue prince and whisks him away for some one-one-one time where he reveals that he's finally finished trying to be the 2020 Bachelor, and he's decided Lily is the gal for him.
She was obviously super stoked because Richie appears to be one of the only two men on this show who is both hot and sane, and can also make drop-crotch pants - a huge plus.
The only other hot sane man was also on form tonight - Quinn whisked Lily away for a romantic one-one-one stroll through the fields and presented her with a small toy dirt bike (as an ode to their first date, remember) her very own rose, and a hot pash.
Meanwhile back at the mansion a real plot twist unfolded where instead of her usual police interrogation, Lesina decided to kick off a lovely vulnerability circle - during which she opened up to the rest of the boys about how she's been struggling with trying to be the "Perfect Bachelorette".
"I came into this being so fussy and check-listing people, and I haven't been my real self," she said.
And seeing as everyone was being so open and vulnerable, Smokey Steve chose this moment do a swoopylala and whisked Lesina away to try pash his way out of the friendzone once and for all.
Will she let him lay one on her, or will he go up in flames? (Not literally, just trying to make a topical ciggie joke here). Stay tuned.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again on Sunday night at 7.00pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.