I have a confession to make.
Before this week, I'd never, ever watched an episode of Love Island.
I know. It's really not that shocking. Yet it still feels like an oversight for somebody who writes about TV to have never watched a single scrap of the biggest reality TV series on the planet.
So, with the much-adored franchise original Love Island UK being fast-tracked to our screens this week on Three, I figured I needed a crash course in the show. Armed with some advice to just give my brain a wee holiday while watching it, I dipped into several episodes of last year's record-breaking season.
This is what I discovered.
A group of young, confident, conventionally good-looking Brits hit a Majorcan villa in the hope of finding love and/or winning a cash prize of £50,000. With dozens of cameras fixed on them around the compound, the group's mission is clearly spelled out: Couple up or go home.
The female contestants arrive in their best bikinis. The men turn up wearing not much more. In a sea of swimwear, long hair, high heels and abs, they all look like carbon copies of each other.
It brings to mind the promises the makers of Love Island have made that this year's season will feature more body diversity. But not too diverse, mind. The show's boss Richard Cowles has told The Sun: "We want to be as representative as possible, but we also want [the contestants] to be attracted to one another."
Hang on. Who are all these people? You turn your back on Love Island for one minute (or several episodes) and there's a whole new wave of beautiful people ready to argue and/or snog each other's faces off. Although I think my favourite person might just be Love Island's sassy narrator, whose sole job is to poke fun at the show.
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Everybody's talking about how far things have gone in the bedroom with their Love Island partners, i.e. who has "done bits" and therefore has access to their Do Bits Society Club. Because "until one does bits, one cannot have the password to the Do Bits Society Club".
Honestly, who needs scripted TV when you can have dialogue like this?
There's a whole new villa with a whole other group of people now. I'm officially giving up keeping track of names or faces. I'm also giving up understanding what anybody is saying, because I'm tired of checking Urban Dictionary every five minutes.
One of the show's strongest couples is feeling the strain after the woman saw a video of her sweetheart discovering his ex is with him in the new villa. We're now watching her openly sobbing in the show's diary room.
Would you look at that? A woman who went on a show that openly manipulates emotions for entertainment has had her emotions manipulated. But this still feels unnecessarily cruel.
Hey, when did I switch my brain back on? Let's turn that off again, shall we?
The couples are playing Twitter Bingo, which sees them guessing what people outside the villa are saying about them on social media. Ouch. I think about how challenges like this will fit with Love Island's supposed new duty of care for its contestants.
The men are facing a lie detector test in a room that lights up green for the truth and red for a lie. I'm choosing to believe it's not just producers hitting lights depending on what works best for their story.
It's the finale and a whole season of drama at the villa is being wrapped up in a tidy five-minute package that I wish I'd known about several hours ago. The public votes, the winners adorably pledge their undying love and their prize money to each other and my crash course in Love Island comes to an end.
It's easy to see why this show has been such a monster hit. It's funny, a bit raunchy and doesn't pretend to be something it's not. I can also see why it has so very many vocal critics. It's shallow, manipulative and not at all representative. In other words, standard reality-TV fodder.
So, proceed with caution as the latest season kicks off this week — and be sure to switch off both your brain and your conscience to ensure maximum enjoyment.
• Love Island UK premieres today at 4.30pm and continues weeknights at 5pm on Three.