People have been so down on safety recently. Not me! I love safety. Safety first is my motto. Followed closely by Keep on Truckin'.
Some examples to prove my safety bona fides; before stuffing my face I always blow on the pie. When gambling, something I do often, you'd better believe I take the safe bet. Browsing history? Kept cleared.
But that's not all: When I played cricket at a semi-professional level my teammates dubbed me 'Safe Hands' because rival batsmen couldn't get a thing past me. I have both a safe space (third table by the second window at a nearby cafe) and a safe word (haberdashery).
Favourite song? Safety Dance. This boppy 1982 synth-pop classic by Men Without Hats is unrivalled in its ability to fill a D-floor while also imparting an important safety message. And when I fly you know I know exactly where the nearest safety exit is. Even when it's located behind me.
My passion for playing it safe is why I was compelled to throw caution to the wind and respond to a job listing Air New Zealand tweeted out earlier this week.
After weeks of being publicly shamed and ruthlessly mocked for their atrociously cringe-inducing safety video they announced that they were now looking for someone to be their new Head of Safety Videos and I reckon that sounded like a bit of me.
The job advertisement eloquently - and quite incorrectly - stated that Air NZ's safety videos "are the pride and joy of our nation".
"We're looking for someone to lead our team in creating our next crowd-pleasing demonstration," they wrote. Well, they'll be looking for a while because they forgot to put an email address for people to apply to...
Nevertheless they wanted ideas on how to follow up the "loved" It's Kiwi Safety safety video and now they're gonna get them.
1: Get Sir Pete on the job!
Nothing says New Zealand like hobbits. And no one says hobbit like Sir Peter Jackson. Yeah, they've done hobbits before but so what? Just don't let them rap. Besides, the dude's not really doin' anything right now except for messing around with old war footage and old Beatles footage and old footage from his old splatter movies. He's certainly not making the long promised Tintin sequel is he? No. No, he's not. Sir Pete! For the love of gawd man, make the damn Tintin sequel already!
Wait, I've strayed off topic. Um... Safety! Yes.
As I was saying, get Sir Pete on the job. Sure, there's a strong chance he'll pad it out into three safety videos when one would more than suffice, but.. well, um. Hmm.
2: Get Sir Pete on the job!
Sir Pete's mid-career pivot into documentary filmmaking is... a thing that's happened. So why not use his talent for giving lots of dusty old footage to other people in his employ to good use? Simply give him one of the old Air NZ safety videos from the vault, say the mystifying Cuba Gooding Jr. / Katie Holmes one - what the heck was that about? - and he'll give it to someone else to put on their computer and colour in and pow! Job's a good 'un. Let's go get pizza.
3: Quit the malarkey
As a safety-conscious individual I can tell you for a fact - a gawdamned fact - that fun and safety don't mix. You don't put jelly powder in the bathwater unless you want things to get sticky and you don't put fun into safety unless you want someone to die. Now is that what you want Air NZ? Someone to die? Because if you keep on acting the giddy goat and hiding important, potentially life-saving safety information behind a thick deep curtain of cringe and WTF then that's what's gonna happen. People are going to die. Dead. They'll be dead Air New Zealand. Dead.
4: Bring back Ghost Chips
Speaking of dead... you really want to get travellers' bums on your quite reasonably priced seats? Then bring back Ghost Chips. Everyone loves Ghost Chips! And everyone fears death. This combo is truly the best of both worlds. People will watch for the meme and then pow! Forced to confront their own mortality, they're now paying attention to their aircraft's safety procedures. Best of all, it practically writes itself: "You know I can't see your ghost exits," says Ghost Chips. "That's because your nearest exit could be located behind you." LOL! Classic.
5: Just, like, stop making them. Please.
In true show biz fashion I've saved the best idea till last. Just, like, stop making them. Please.