Real Housewives of Sydney
rabblerouser Lisa Oldfield has given a bizarre radio interview to sling mud at her reality TV co-stars, profess that she hates her husband and joke that she masturbates to Donald Trump.
Appearing on Nova's Smallzy's Surgery last night, Oldfield delivered a torrent of insults about her two biggest rivals on the show, Housewives Krissy Marsh and Victoria Rees.
Oldfield has been loudly decrying married mother-of-three Marsh as a "slut" on RHOS for weeks now, and was keen to discuss her co-star's private parts on the radio.
"Krissy, who I didn't know - or Chewbacca, as I like to call her - decided to tell me five minutes after I met her and every five minutes thereafter that she had a designer vagina and I must get one because it's fabulous. I was kind of disgusted," she claimed.
Smallzy played an audio clip of one of Oldfield's most infamous outbursts on the show - when she arrived late (and inebriated) to Housewives ally Athena X's art exhibition and let loose with a torrent of sexually explicit taunts toward Marsh.
Oldfield said that at the time of filming, she was recovering from spinal surgery and had "dropped a couple of Endone and few champagnes - not a good mix."
"Did you ever have one of those days when you wake up on a Sunday morning and go, 'What the f**k happened?' Then your friends start piecing it together and you get text messages ... I'm not proud of that, there is so much I could attack Krissy on, like being stupid, being a moron, the slut thing was probably a bit lame."
But Oldfield reserved most of her venom for Rees, the Bondi mother-of-one she and Athena X have clashed most with on the show. Lisa and Athena's war of words has spilt onto social media in recent weeks, with the rivals trading regular online insults. Rees has also filed a police report against Oldfield, alleging her co-star had trolled her young son online.
"A show like this really, if you are not self-aware, throws up a mirror to who you are and I think Victoria finally realised she was a bitter nasty lonely old bitch, and she deserves to be lonely. I can tell you what, no one will be at her funeral," she said.
Not content with slinging mud at her co-stars, Oldfield also took aim at her own family, whose appearances on Real Housewives have been one of the most controversial aspects of the show - in one early scene, she was captured on camera calling her four-year-old son a "dickhead."
"I think people appreciate that I'm real, my kids are dickheads, I hate my husband," she said.
"[My sons] use much worse language than I do, in fact a lot of the insults, in fact the four-year-old called me this morning a 's**t-eating c**k master', so there you go. A dickhead seems kind of tame."
Oldfield was then given a rapid fire series of word association questions, with some predictably caustic answers:
AthenaX: "A very kind sociopath."
Donald Trump: "I masturbate to him regularly."
Pauline Hanson: "I don't masturbate to her regularly."
Justin Bieber: "I was really surprised when I found out he didn't have a vagina."
She finished with a vow for the next season of Real Housewives - after two physical altercations with fellow cast member Matty this season, she wants to push things further next year.
"I'd probably throw a couple of punches. Pushing seems kind of lame, and a few of these bitches need an uppercut."