"Yep, this is what marriage is like. My hubs couldn't find some T-shirt. He was certain I had thrown it away, because I had let him know I didn't like it. I told him I wouldn't do that, because I'd be pretty pissed if he treated my stuff that way. Dark and bitter hours turn to chilly days, and he found it on the closet floor or something."
2. "I once had to explain the "Bob's mother had three kids, April, May and who?" riddle to someone who sat next to me in class. She answered with every month least once, even after I drew the family tree and pointed to Bob and his mother as I repeated it very slowly."
3. "My flatmate thought that because it was an uncounted candle, it served no purpose. He didn't understand that candles could be unused for, you know, light."
Best Tweets on Getting Older
1. One way to find out if you're old is to fall down. If there's laughter you're young, if there's panic, you're old.
2. I'm so old I remember when fame was a by-product of talent.
3. My daughter just asked me why we say "hang up" the phone and now I feel 90.
4. Ever since I turned 50, reading has become horribly similar [to] filling a bath with the plug out.
5. It's important to get your shit together at an early age, so when you are older you have a big pile of cohesive shit.