Why on earth didn't the Mayans invent a 16-month calendar?

This will be my last column before the end of the world. With that in mind, I've decided to divide this one up into three sections.

First, I'll do a quick overview of life; secondly, I'll hand over some "secret Earth evacuation" advice; and finally I'll end on a poem. It's something my granddad always used to say to me ... "If in doubt, son, end on a poem." Ironically he died of a stroke during a poetry contest in Levin.

So what has the world meant to me? Well, I have to be honest, it has almost been my everything. Such a huge huge world ... but as I've got older it has got smaller. Technology and freedom has brought the world and all its wonder to me. When I was a young boy I used to dream about going to Africa to see majestic animals in the wild, I used to be obsessed with British comedy and I dreamed about being part of it. I even watched war films with plenty of action and I dreamed about experiencing that too. Did I ever really believe any of those dreams would come true? No, not at first ... I just thought they were thoughts that kept me excited about life. But here's the thing, I never for one second gave up on those thoughts and soon I realised that my imagination was the key to opening the doors to those realities.

As soon as I finished school I chased all those dreams and achieved them all. That's what life is about. That is what this world is for. If you want something you have to reach out for it and if it's too far away then improvise a box to stand on and try reaching again. After everything I've done, though, it has been looking back at home that has made me smile the most. I've been lucky in life, that's for sure, but it all started with being born in the greatest country in the world - New Zealand.


On December 21 the world will end (TBC). The Mayan calendar will run out and there will cease to be days. It's a shame, really, I mean if only the Mayans could have done a 16-month calendar for 2012 like most other companies do. That would have taken us up to May next year. (It makes more sense too - May for the Mayans).

Anyway, here's my secret advice: If you haven't already been invited to board one of the VIP spaceships that are launching from secret locations around the world, get on Google Earth now and search. I'm pretty sure the spaceships are hidden inside hollowed out man-made volcanic mountains (like the one from You Only Live Twice). Find the launch sites and sneak on board.

Life is yours and life is Mayan.
Never give up, just keep on tryin'.
The only fear is fear itself.
So throw the book of fear right off the shelf!