Spoiler alert: This article contains juicy details from episode one of MAFS UK, which airs 7.30 pm tonight on Three
You're "a divvy", "a mug" or "minging". The best dramatic moments happen at the dinner table and the first time you kiss your spouse is the day of your wedding. What are you?
Ding, ding, ding.
That's right, you're Married At First Sight UK.
TV has been lacking spice lately so thank the good lord above seven couples from the UK have arrived to make you cringe and binge four nights a week and I've got all the exclusive gossip for tonight's first episode.
Oh, we are in for a treat and guiding us through the chaos that is strangers sharing beds, new "friends" (I put it in brackets because come on, it's MAFS) and the search for love, are some fabulous experts.
First off, psychologist Mel Schilling has brought her MAFS Australia expertise to the UK, alongside her is seasoned matchmaker, Paul C Brunson, and new to the show is sex therapist Charlene Douglas.
Welcome to the rollercoaster of drama.
The social experiment kicks off with our bride and grooms meeting for stags and hen's night in very fancy looking rooms.
And it's the hens that get the majority of the screen time because the stags night looks *yawn* sorry, I think I fell asleep for a hot minute.
You'll immediately learn a few things about our brides at the hen's night. First Nikita is the gift that keeps on giving.
Her first memorable moment of the season went a little something like her explaining that looks are very important because "You don't shag a personality". Followed by saying she felt all the women liked her.
The consensus is in sweetie and they very much did not like you.
Alexis asked the question we obviously all wanted to know the answer to, would there be anyone sealing the deal on the first night and lordy was it a hard no.
And then we got the best entrance of the night when the hen's were joined by a lad. That's right, Daniel walked down those stairs and it was like prince charming had entered the building.
Shoulder length, shiny hair? Check. A floaty prince like shirt? Check. Very cute Northern Ireland accent? Check. Got hit on by all the hens? Check.
MAFS UK has finally entered the 21st century and cast its first same-sex couple.
Time to break out in song because this is momentous.
At the stag night we met Matt, soon to be Daniel's hubby, his grey hair screamed "sugar daddy" and I wondered how prince charming would feel about his match.
Across the room, insecurity shone through in Luke who said, "a lot of these boys are really good-looking lads, I'm like 'what am I doing here'?"
I had to quickly pray the experts didn't set him up with Nikita because god would she would eat him for breakfast.
Finally, sex therapist Charlene sat down with fellow experts and we learnt who would be getting married tonight.
As if it was written in the stars, the experts decided to pair up Bob, aka a real life teddy bear, who values family, musicals and being smiley all the time, with Megan, the woman who is a wellness coach, spreads kindness like it's a toast spread and loves musicals.
Oh, and she has a wedding journal. Take from that what you will but I'm getting Debby desperate vibes.
The second couple was Ant, a man with gorgeous green eyes if he doesn't say so himself, with chav vibes and bad communication skills (his mum passed away when he was young so listen before you judge him), and Nikita, a woman who loves getting mortaled (drunk), has a massive build-a-man wishlist and should be on Geordie Shore not MAFS UK.
As you can probably guess, Bob and Megan had a wedding that was basically a Disney fairytale. Megan even wore the tiara sketched out in her wedding journal and Bob, complimented on it which basically made her fall in love with him ASAP.
Some people are so easily pleased.
Thankfully someone had a brain and that was Megan's brother, Mitch, who asked Bob the only question that mattered. What is your star sign?
"Leo." Bob told him. Mitch cringed, oh no. "What should I have been?" Bob asked, fear in his eyes.
"An air sign." Megan butted in.
"Capricorn, Virgo or Scorpio." Mitch told him as he mentally put a strike against his name.
For goodness sake, Bob. How dare you not be the right star sign. So inconsiderate.
At Nikita and Ant's wedding, Nikita was the opposite of a ray of sunshine while she was getting ready, "Oh my god just realised I've actually got to kiss him. If he's got propper thin lips I'll be ill. I can't kiss him if he's got minging teeth and minging lips".
A very positive outlook that I'm sure she will bring into their marriage.
She walked down the aisle and it was basically over from there. "They've just done the total opposite of what I've asked for." She whinged to the confession cam.
I told you, she's the gift that keeps on giving.
Later while having their wedding photos taken, the photographer asked if they could kiss.
Oh no he didn't.
"I've got gloss on." Nikita squealed but she finally got talked into an awkward peck on the lips as she manhandled Ant's face.
After the audacious please kiss your husband moment, Nikita had to have a heart to heart with her friends. It had been a very stressful day for her, especially when her extremely specific build-a-man list wasn't filed correctly.
"I didn't get that instant spark," she told her friends who surprisingly encouraged her to continue the marriage.
"He's a grower, not a show-er." they told her and that was enough for her to give it a shot.
After the receptions, Nikita and Ant head to their hotel room where their bed was covered in rose petals, how sweet. They popped the champagne because as Nikita said in her vows "I can't wait for the honeymoon to get mortaled with you".
Meanwhile, Megan and Bob were given a room with separate beds and Bob was not happy, no way. Megan sweetly asked if he was disappointed they weren't sharing a bed and he obviously had to continue playing the nice guy and say no.
But how far will Bob get as the nice guy? And how long until the casting director plucks Nikita from the set, realising she's been cast in the wrong show entirely?
Find out tomorrow night.
Watch Married At First Sight UK tonight at 7.30 pm on TV3