We’ve been thrown into the MAFS washing machine with dirtier laundry than you can shake a box of Napisan at. Photo / Alex Casey and Tina Tiller
We’ve been thrown into the MAFS washing machine with dirtier laundry than you can shake a box of Napisan at. Photo / Alex Casey and Tina Tiller
This story was originally published by The Spinoff
From the Jono and Ellie bombshell to the return of Collins, we look at back at the final episodes of Married at First Sight Australia 2024.
When John Aiken told us back in February that we were in fora “quite shocking” season of Married at First Sight Australia, little did we know that he was delivering yet another one of his famous home truths from beneath his authoritative eyebrows. “A big thing this season is boundaries – what’s appropriate and what’s inappropriate – and secrets,” he said at the time. “When should you be airing dirty laundry, or telling secrets about your partner to people?”
Since then, we’ve been thrown into the MAFS washing machine with dirtier laundry than you can shake a box of Napisan at. There have been allegations that Jack had a girlfriend when he applied for MAFS, Sara texting a contestant needing a “cute top” to meet up with her ex during the experiment, and the shocking recoupling of Jono and Ellie. But with the bad times, there’s also been a lot of good – chiefly Lucinda Light, the best MAFS participant in history.
As we farewell the reality juggernaut for another year, and figure out what to do with our extra 90 minutes from Sunday-Wednesday nights, let us look back at the finale episodes of a truly bonkers season of television.
While the other MAFS participants prepared for the guaranteed shitshow of the final dinner party, one Light shone above them all. Our beloved Lucinda Light stood on the coffee table in her apartment, dancing in an iridescent gold sequinned jumpsuit that glowed brighter than Jack’s fake tan. There was no music, so Lucinda simply danced to the song in her heart. “I am a human disco ball,” she sparkled. “I am enormous tonight – a glamazon Amazon, if you don’t mind.” We don’t mind at all, you absolute legend. / Tara Ward
Collins being so amped for the party
Collins Christian
Nobody has been more excited to arrive at a social function than Collins, the incredibly enthusiastic groom who left the experiment in week two. He returned desperate to soak up whatever sloppy MAFS juices remained and was so astonished when he walked into the dinner party, it was like he had just been born. Wherever Collins looked, there were things. “Wow!” he cried, looking at the door. “Incredible!” he breathed, gazing at the ceiling. “Look at this!” he said, staring at both nothing and everything. “There’s so much of this experiment that I missed out on, man!” Collins cackled to the camera later, full of the wonders of electricity and walls. “Mate, I was loving it!” / TW
Jack sniffing Tori’s ear
Tori Adams and Jack Dunkley
Given they were the most controversial couple throughout the entire season, it was a surprise that we saw almost nothing of Tori and Jack during the dinner party. Instead, we were treated to this not-at-all-creepy shot of the pair nuzzling next to a louvre window, as Jack proved his affection for his bride by inserting his schnozz directly into her ear canal. What’s that smell? True love on the Gold Coast, apparently. / TW
In the words of Destiny’s Child, we weren’t ready for this Jellie (aka Jono and Ellie arriving on the show as a couple, despite both being TV-married to other people). The latter half of the season had been consumed with the Jono and Ellie texting scandal, with Jono vehemently denying that there was any substance to the texts (in fact he didn’t know Ellie from a bar of soap and would even send a bar of soap one hundred text messages if he had a bar of soap’s phone number, actually). Lauren knew that something was fishy and dumped him at final vows, and her instincts were confirmed when the pair arrived at the final dinner party together.
Ellie Dix and Jonathan McCullough
For all the treachery and lies, it was a hell of an entrance. Jayden’s rose fell off his lapel in shock, Sara embodied the “astonished” emoji and Lauren’s face broke hearts across Australasia. Over the next hour, the camera lingered on Lauren as the newly minted couple giggled and canoodled across the table. When she blinked back tears and her bestie (Tim) asked if she was OK, we all felt her pain and humiliation. Truly, how does this show consistently elicit stronger emotional reactions than most Best Picture nominees? Wizardry. / Alex Casey
The experts were all of us
Behold, this Shakespearean dinner party tragedy in three dramatic acts:
From left: Mel Schilling, Alessandra Rampolla and John Aiken
Locked away in what we can only assume is a secret underground bunker of feelings, MAFS experts Mel, Alessandra and John watched the dinner party drama unfold, veering violently from joy (Lucinda pretending to be a human statue) to silence (Jack and Tori still together) to complete and utter shock (Ellie and Jono arriving as a couple). It’s reassuring that even after 10 seasons, our MAFS experts are still surprised by these marital shenanigans – but also, when do we get to see the contents of their notebooks? Release the doodles! / TW
Tim’s stressed-out vein stole the show
Tim Calwell and Sara Mesa
For a guy who appears to be a chilled-out customer 90 per cent of the time, Tim’s facials really deliver when the rubber hits the road. There was the earth-shattering eye pop and utterance of “YES I DIIIIID” earlier in the season, but the final dinner party provided one more expression for the ages. Jono delivered another bombshell that Tim had potentially voiced doubts about staying with Sara before final vows, and Tim promptly turned beet red, his temple vein swelling and visibly pulsing like something from The Blob. Because, to borrow a phrase, yes he did. / AC
Cass took a very big swing
Tristan Black and Cassandra Allen
I’ve been a Cass fan from day one. She was so patient with Tristan, she gently called out bullshit in the classiest of ways, and I really feel like not enough was made of Tori’s “I’m at the top of the food chain” comments directed at her mid-season. Anyway, during the final commitment ceremony, Cass stunned the room when she came out swinging at Sara in a tirade which suggested there’s (gasp) been a lot more going on that we never got to see.
“She just lies,” Cass piped up from the couch out of absolutely nowhere. “Everything out of her mouth is a lie. She lies to make herself look better, there’s nothing honest about her.” Sara was shocked, I was shocked, Jayden’s lapel rose was shocked. “That’s so f***ing rude,” replied Sara. Leak the tapes! What is the Sara vs Cass beef and why have we seen none of it? I would genuinely pay good money for that premium content. Yes I woooould. / AC
Tori and Jack stormed off the set
An extremely fitting end to the reality television embodiment of Tammy Wynette’s Stand By Your Man. Stand by your man, even when he tells another groom to “muzzle your woman”! Stand by your man, even when he body shames other contestants by calling them “whales”! Stand by your man, even when he tells everyone else that he’s not sexually attracted to you! After seeing the monstrous Jack supercut from the couch, Tori stood up with Jack and left the building. “What the f*** was that,” she was heard saying through some fake TV shrubbery. “Are you taking the absolute f***ing piss?” Tori and Jack, that was your MAFS life. / AC
Lucinda and Timothy were perfect
And at the absolute other end of the spectrum, what a joy it was to see Timothy and Lucinda back on the couch, her rocking Barbie hot pink and him dressed as a resplendent purple Wiggle. Although they chose to leave the experiment a few weeks ago, it is clear to us (and the smug experts) that something is still there between the Tin Man and the human disco ball. “I always said it wasn’t the ending of something, but the beginning of something,” said Tim. Be still my beating, rusty heart. / AC
When Jayden’s polaroid pictures were the gift that keeps on giving
Of all the things the experts expected to be thrown at them during the commitment ceremony, a tiny photographic souvenir of Jayden and Eden’s relationship probably wasn’t one of them. “You threw yourselves into it, mankini and all,” John told the couple approvingly, clearly impressed at Jayden and Eden’s fierce commitment to a thin piece of spandex and a can of whipped cream. Here’s to every week being Intimacy Week, John Aiken. / TW
