KEY POINTS:
Of course the performing dog got through. New Zealand's Got Talent (last night, Prime) is the telly equivalent of the global burger: there are concessions to local tastes, but the fries always taste the same. So of course the cute dancing kid got through.
We love our performing
dogs. John Clarke, being interviewed on the radio a few weeks ago, remembered, fondly, A Dog's Show, in which, of course, the dogs stole the show. New Zealand's Got Talent had a performing dog. It came on with a young woman in a pink cowboy hat, which I doubt any of those laconic, dog-whistling blokes would have been seen dead in, but the sentiment's the same. And a dog that fetches a beer from a chilly bin is our sort of act.
This is an old-fashioned variety show, in sentiment too, and you are supposed to support the, aah, underdog no matter how mad their acts are. It's all about giving it a go. Where do they get these people from? The suburbs of Auckland, based on last night's first outing, must be full of deluded people doing their acts at family parties; putting on a turn at Christmas. There was a woman who presumably thought she was a comic. We only saw a few seconds of her act. That was enough. "'Is armpits were all 'airy as 'e gesticulated at me." What?
Don't dwell. Move on. There was a pig that refused to perform. A bloke with taps atop his gumboots. A pair of girls doing a mime. Paul Ellis, who was the sort of nasty judge on NZ Idol but who has said he's signed up this time to be nice, because this is a nice show, said: "I would suggest if you're really serious about doing this you tape yourself and look at it."
Oh, what a cad! And this from a man who once wore a jacket that looked as though it had been made out of my grandmother's curtains, on national television.
"That's not very nice," said one of the mime artists (well, if a woman with a stuffed bird that sings Pokarekare Ana can believe she's got an act, we're all artists.) "You've, like, crushed my dreams."
Why didn't she, like, give him that silent, eloquent gesture we New Zealanders love to give cads? Now that would have been a bit funny, but this is a wholesome, family show.
So you get wholesome, family jokes like this one from co-host, Andrew Mulligan: "It seems like everyone has got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning, which can be tough. If your bed's in a corner and there's a wall, you get up and, like, bang, hurt your nose."
If that joke had been an act it would have got three big buzzes.
As would this one: "She's just one of the gems that's been unearthed today." Groan. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. The dog had talent though. Can't we just declare it the winner now?