OPINION
If you think the lead-up to the 2023 election has been intense, get comfy, because something tells me this episode is about to give it a run for its money.
Moments after Kārearea’s Eli Matthewson announces he’s going to use the team’s mercy card to save Jordan Vandermade from elimination, Tohorā's Blair Strang stands up. The floor is yours, Zaddy Grylls, give us the shock of our lives. I’m ready, I’ve got a new stress ball, my Rescue Remedy and a tequila shot just in case.
“Wait a second, Jayden,” he tells our host Jayden Daniels, and Vandermade has never looked so scared. “This game, you were amazing today, bro. It gives me no pleasure to do this,” he says.
Hear me out. Usually, I love the dramatics of a huge bomb being dropped on a reality show, but today - today I need answers. Strang, sweetie, can we speed this up? It’s worse than getting one-word answers from Chris Hipkins and Christopher Luxon in the leaders’ debates.
“Advantage blocker: this scroll can be used to block any advantage play. I’m using it now,” he says. “I love you, bro, you were incredible.”
I’m shocked, you’re shocked, the castaways can’t move they’re so shocked – except for Matthewson, who has his death stare, locked, loaded and ready to fire at his newfound enemy, Strang. Not only has Shortland Street guy taken away Matthewson’s main character moment, but he’s also sent home his bromance bud, and that, my friends, is the real tragedy. It causes more tears than when Kim Kardashian lost her diamond earring in the ocean.
Saying an emotional goodbye to his team, Vandermade tells the confession cam, “Did not see that one coming”, before heartbreakingly bursting into tears. “Yeah, it’s intense.”
It’s a moment of cleansing, a moment of power, a moment when we realise Vandermade is no villain at all, just a man who wanted to be cast as a villain in a Taika Waititi film more than Turia Schmidt-Peke did in episode one.
But as one villain departs, another is born, and Matthewson can barely speak he’s so mad. “There’s a rage bubbling inside me like nothing I’ve ever felt,” he tells the confession cam. “It just makes me furious, and I’m staring at him and I’m thinking, ‘Blair, this means war’.”
As for Strang, he’s the laid-back, secretly brutal Zaddy we’ve come to love, and while he’s slightly scared of Matthewson, who “looks like he wants to kill me”, he’s taking comfort in the subtle nod from his scheming pal, Miriama Smith.
“Job done,” he smugly tells the confession cam.
With that, the castaways walk back to camp and Tohorā's Steve Price embraces Nick Afoa like a proud dad after his kid got the winning try at Rippa rugby, as for Kārearea, it’s tense. Except, of course, for Turia Schmidt-Peke, who is looking for Winston Peters.
“Straight away I’m like, ‘Where’s the Winston Peters of this game? Truly, who’s the kingmaker?’” she tells the confession cam. This feels like the right time to move on before he lashes out at TVNZ’s talent again. Once a week is enough, right Winny?
At Kārearea, there is so much negative energy we’re considering sending them some sage. Absolutely everyone has forgotten about Ardern’s “be kind” slogan as they slag off Strang with some cruel words, and Smith decides she has no choice but to step in.
“He’s not a villain, he’s playing the game, guys,” she tells an unreceptive Kārearea, who continue with their comments: “From a lovable son of a gun to a huge f**king villain.”
“Blair is not a villain here,” Smith tells her team, “I’m encouraging you to let go, and that is what’s more important than anything else. Be nice, be good - we’re all good people.” But the anger is rooted too deep. A leopard won’t change its spots, and Strang’s being stalked from afar. Reow.
“After what we had just witnessed,” Gibb tells the confession cam, “to send Jordy home? Oh, Blair’s got a huge target on his back now, like, [a] massive target.” Okay, cut. Gibb, I reckon you should go way harder with your good-guy-turned-bad-looking-for-revenge plotline. Really hit him where it hurts.
“That guy from Shortland Street has just become public enemy number one,” There we go, you’ve got it, we’ll work on the evil laugh next.
Meanwhile, at Tohorā, elimination round victor Afoa opens his clue, which reads, “Hidden in plain sight, obstacles stand in your way. Your chance to grab it may be fleeting. Be ready to go.”
Unlike other castaways, the kind and caring Lion King star shares his clue with the team, who decide it’s at the next face-off, so off we go.
The teams must start on a pontoon, go for a swim in the freezing cold water, return to the pontoon to grab a sandbag and swim back to shore. There, they must shoot the sandbag at their target, and if they miss, it’s back into the water for another polar plunge. Hard pass from me, dog.
Before anything can start, Daniel spots the clue hidden on the face-off course and completely forgets about the nachos she could win. Running off to the catapult, she grabs the clue and hands it to Afoa, before realising, “Wow, you could have just kept that, Laura.”
I mean, I wasn’t going to say anything, but yeah, bad move.
In a nail-biting ending, Kārearea secures the win, and we can only hope it’s the move that takes their team from the dark scary place to something more joyful than The Wiggles’ stage show, complete with Dorothy the Dinosaur, Captain Feathersword, Wags the Dog and Fruit Salad - yummy yummy.
It’s been a long week; let me have this like Matthewson having his main-character moment.
Back at camp, Matthewson is talking tactics, and we all know he is ready to take down Strang as he tells Gibb, “I would love to see Miriama take down Steve.”
Hang on, what?
“Of all the players here, she’s probably actually the primary person I wouldn’t want to go up against in elimination. I think she’s the biggest threat in that arena, and that is why,” he tells the confession cam.
We need another lifeline from Mustapic. He must save Price, and it seems that’s almost what he has planned.
“I reckon Eli’s going to put Steve up because he’s basically our strongest player, but I want to protect Steve,” he tells the confession cam as he shares his plan to swap Price out for Strang with his super-secret swapsie scroll. But not before screaming at the lake: “Whyyyyyy!?”
It’s okay boo, we know you’re still a cold, staunch dictator.
“There is a part of me that thinks a bit of drama would be fun,” Mustapic says, reminding us why he’s the favourite child, “but also, they are so nice - I wish they were nasty, awful men, and then I could be like ‘Off you go, bye’, but instead I’m like, ‘Goddamn it, you are so nice’.”
Preach, king. Where have all the toxic men gone? Take me on a date and then ghost me, y’know?
At the elimination round, Matthewson has two visions and says he has to be very careful so the headlines on the recaps don’t come out saying “Eli Matthewson most useless captain in CTI history”, which is silly. Obviously, we would pick a much better headline.
He decides to put Tohorā's Price against Kārearea’s Smith, but Mustapic says bonjour and swaps Price out for Strang. So, now it’s Tohorā's Blair Strang, battling it out for the Dementia Foundation, against Kārearea’s Miriama Smith, battling it out for Coastguard New Zealand.
They must land all four blocks on an overhead maze in their marked spots. It’s a challenge that looks super-annoying and ultimately sees Strang take out the win.
As Smith says her goodbyes, we can’t help but wonder what her hair care routine is. Seriously, it’s more lush than Rupunzel’s - but before we can ask, big stuff happens and the teams are told tomorrow is going to be “huge”.
Unfortunately for us, tomorrow is next Monday. Let’s all cry together.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, at 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ +.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
The Hollywood star is 70 but has no plans to retire from acting.