Calling all law firms, corporates, and human resources professionals!
Are you concerned about the morale of your employees? Are you worried they are getting up to mischief during the many hours they're not physically at work?
Here's a helpful email template to kick-start the process of getting the worker bees back to the office.
Subject: We care and keep up the good work "going forward"
Kia ora whānau,
What a turbulent time the team of five million have had. After what feels like a year in lockdown, we're sure you've had the odd existential crisis and realisation that we care more about profit than people.
But, all good things come to an end, and we will be getting back to normal soon so this is a friendly reminder not to get too comfy. Be agile, think holistically, and be ready to pivot, pivot, pivot!
As a half-baked token of appreciation we hope you have enjoyed the hamper full of liquorice-flavoured balsamic vinegar, alcohol-free liqueur, recyclable water bottles with Big Cheese Law firm branding, and NGO-affiliated bumper stickers.
This is to compensate you for the bonus you will not be receiving this year as while we got the wage subsidy at first, our $20 billion profit has been such that we have had to pay it back.
We may be in an excellent financial position in theory but we will be using the pandemic to get rid of any riff raff. We aim to keep you on your toes and threaten your job security if standards start to slip.
In other news, we've been very unhappy with the undue pressure from those at the bottom of the hierarchy, who have taken it upon themselves to join the Aotearoa Workers' Legal Union.
As a result we see that Duncan Cotterill has increased their year-one salaries to $55k. Chapman Tripp and Bell Gully have increased to $57k, MinterEllisonRuddWatts, Buddle Findlay, Dentons Kensington Swan, Simpson Grierson, and DLA Piper have increased salaries to $58k. Russell McVeagh has increased the first year solicitor salaries to $59.75k.
It seems salaries have increased 15 per cent across the board and we are not happy about it. What next, a living wage?! For fear of a coup d'Etat we have hired an external, independent - and by external we mean friend-of-a-friend - contractor to assess our workplace culture. They will identify any problem areas: namely you, not us.
If you don't like it, you're welcome to leave as there are many more worker bees to fill your shoes, who would bring the chutzpah this firm requires of them. If you decide to stay, assume things will stay exactly the same as they are now.
Ultimately we must implore you to think about your future here at Big Cheese Law firm. We might not explicitly tell you to not unionise because it's illegal but we may use tactics such as bullying and micro-management to dissuade you.
And do not in any circumstances talk to the media. We do not, so neither should you. If you feel aggrieved, talk to human resources, we're here to help.
If you do feel a desire to talk to the media or take out a personal grievance, remember, the industry is small, a reference is forever, and we will take you to the mattresses just to make a point.
On a happier note, thank you to all of those who have submitted photographs for our daily wellbeing challenge. It has been fantastic in terms of providing our marketing department with social media content.
Clients see that we care, and each daily update means we can offload any pressure to look after our staff.
On top of the "green" button on the Microsoft teams function, and the morning, lunch, and afternoon Zoom-meeting updates, the wellbeing challenge is also helping us to keep tabs on you.
For those who have been "running" or "taking walks", remember that your photographs are time-stamped, so we have been documenting those who have been exercising during work-time. That is, between 6am to 8.30pm Monday to Sunday.
In the unlikely event we return to work in the next fortnight, we implore you to get vaccinated as management has decided to roll out hot-desking to cut overhead costs.
In the meantime stay home, stay safe, be kind.
Lucia Umbridge I People and Culture Manager, on behalf of Brad Shmad I Managing Partner
Level top floor of overpriced building in AKL CBD, 88 Pleasantville, Private Bag 666.
*Other than reference to the salary increases at some of New Zealand's top law firms the contents of this column are entirely fake.