Paul Catmur: The art of not working during work hours - and getting paid for it

The long lunch is a business tradition that just won't die. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION:

The great thing about having a Matariki break is that it gives a chance for the stressed individual to reset for the rest of the year.

I suggest that you take this time to remember that your health, both physical and mental, is the most important thing in your life.

While statistically there's very little actual danger involved in sitting behind a desk, all those coffee breaks, and PowerPoint presentations can really take their toll. Which is why in 1860 an innovative French monk called Francois Jollie invented Corporate Entertainment and the world of business found its true purpose.

Corporate Entertainment is an abbreviation for: "Doing whatever you want to do, only doing it when you're supposed to be at work, and having someone else pay for it."

It's a vital part of business, particularly in my old industry of advertising where some individuals spent all their time going on jollies, with an occasional meeting thrown in to break up the monotony. I always wanted to join their ranks but sadly I wasn't good enough at my job to be able to do it from a restaurant. Or even from the office, for that matter.

Here are some common questions I hear about Corporate Entertainment:

What's the point?

Corporate Entertainment is not just there to keep the hospitality sector busy during down times, its aim is to foster the human relationship between client and non-client. Jollies give the opportunities for both parties to bond over a common interest, in this case a mutual appreciation of avoiding work.

I get invited out all the time, how many invitations should I accept?

It may sound counter-intuitive, but the general rule is that the more senior you are, and thus the more vital your work is to the business, the more time you should spend not doing it. For example, if you're President of the US, you should play golf on most days. On the other hand, if you are a lowly cog in the system, say a soldier, it's best to stay where you are, or you'll probably get shot.

So what do you do if the boss asks you to organise a Jolly? What are the options? And what should be avoided at all costs?

Tickets for the match

Remember that the comfort of the seats and the quality of the refreshments are far more important than the actual contest itself. Even so, you need to go for the big events that will make the attendees feel important and generate jealousy in those left behind. South Canterbury v Waikato at badminton is unlikely to cut it.

A long lunch

This is technically a business meeting rather than a jolly so does not count towards your annual Quota.

Fishing

Fishing is a great choice for corporate events. This is because I like it immensely, which seems to be the most important criteria for a jolly organiser. Sadly, while most women appreciate the chance to lounge about on a superyacht sipping chardonnay, this rarely stretches to sitting on a rocking charter boat, with vomit on the chin, pilchard blood on the blouse, and a bucket for a toilet. This may be why I was rarely asked to organise the day out.

Paintball

Nobody over the age of 16 should take part in paintball without a note from their children.

The opera

The opera is not technically a jolly because 1) it's not during office hours and 2) nobody likes it. Even so, everybody should go to the opera once in their lives just to make sure they never go again.

The ballet

Like the opera, only worse.

Golf

Golfing is a great day out that everyone will love. That is unless you're in the 98 per cent of people who hate the bloody game in which case it's several hours of tedium with the occasional break for humiliation. The rules are to wait until somebody answers their phone by saying, "sorry, I'm away from the office on a course", then hit them with a nine iron.

What about those poor people left in the office?

They'll be fine. Most staff look forward to their bosses being out of the office as this allows them to do some work unimpeded by irritating requests to make them coffee, show them how the printer works, or to help with their daughter's school project.

Even if things go wrong, just remind yourself that a terrible Jolly is still better than a great day at the office. So next time you've escaped work to have fun, raise a glass to Monsieur Jollie. Unless, of course, you're at the opera in which case throw a sickie and get out quick.

Happy Matariki.