Holidays can teach us many things — about a destination, about other people and about ourselves.

My time as a multi-almost-award-winning comedian and all-round gay icon has taught me many things, especially about life on the road. Here are all the things I've learnt along the way:

Every male Disneyland employee is on Grindr. They just all are. Line too long for that photo with Aladdin? Pop on Grindr for a private meet and greet.

Mel B from the Spice Girls performing the lead role in Chicago on Broadway is exactly as bad as it sounds. However if you're anything like me you will go back three times, because who doesn't love a car crash?

Advertisement

Niue is kind of the best place in the world. This one isn't funny, I just think Niue is such an under-rated place. It's like Fiji, but cheaper and the only trade-off is that there are wild dogs roaming around that will mess you up.

If you see a man in an airport and you don't know who he is, but people keep asking him for photos and to sign their T-shirts, don't ask him for a photo and then ask the internet who he is . . . the world will mock you for the rest of your life.

• James Malcolm is in the line-up for No Homo: Queer Comedy — Pride Edition, on at The Classic on February 14 and 15 as part of Auckland Pride Festival 2019.