A further distinguishing feature is that American ladies have voices that can split sheet metal. (Switch on CNN for confirmation.) You're in a tourist outlet with a platoon of American shoppers, one cries out "You get the tableware, Mary-Lou?", the shop collapses. Other than that, and contrary to hideous cliches, the mainly senior Americans I've met have been witty, clever, knowledgeable and with a fine balance between naivety ("You said 500 years old?"), humility ("Thank you, sir") and that sense of entitlement that comes from access to yacht-club casual wear. And they're interested in everything, especially what you thought of Houston, Texas, last time you were there.
CANADIAN
In my recent experience, Canadians have been quieter and more softly spoken than Americans. This may be because the US makes enough noise for both, though I doubt it. Canadians have not only heard of, but actually understand Fawlty Towers. They are also gifted at dancing the twist. A twisting competition in which I had the privilege to compete was carried off by two Canadian couples whose joint ages certainly topped 200. This suggests there must be a twist-dancing subculture, probably around Ottawa, with consequently decisive benefits for the suppleness of knees.
Canadians are far too polite to point out that all those European forests, lakes and mountains wouldn't count as a back garden back home. They would, though, like to let it be known that although Celine Dion is Canadian, so is Leonard Cohen. And that their prime minister is called Stephen Harper.
FRENCH
As many travellers through France will know, legendary French elegance never survives a brush with the country's rail network. Spend an hour waiting at the Gare de Lyon in Paris and you're soon persuaded that the entire nation is scruffy, fat, drunk or mad. Certain heroic figures manage all four at once. They're generally lurching right for you, cursing incoherently.
Away from trains, though, they look better, certainly in their own view. French tourists move through other people's countries as if subjecting them to an examination. Watch them studying a menu. They aren't so much using it to make meal choices, as marking it out of 10. Wherever they happen to be is tested against some undefined, but very high, French standard.
CHINESE
Chinese holidaymakers are easy to recognise: they are small, found in groups and smile constantly. They don't half cheer up Europe. Tour guides steer them towards things like the Loire chateaux, for which, with enormous politeness, they evince not the slightest interest. And why would they? Renaissance monarchs are as mysterious to them as the Shang dynasty is to us. Or as anything pre-1953 is to certain members of my family. The only Chinese fascinated by French Renaissance architecture have already rebuilt it outside Chengdu. Or they're tour guides themselves.
Thus they know that the chateaux serve only as stepping stones to what the Chinese really like to do. And that's shop. Boy, do they like to shop. If American women bring shops down, Chinese ones clean them out. One often encounters, near Avenue Montaigne in Paris, little pyramids of stiff, shiny shopping bags apparently proceeding under their own volition. Closer inspection shows they conceal microscopic Chinese ladies single-handedly saving France's balance of payments. Be respectful. If they stop buying, we go under.
JAPANESE
There is one sure sign of Japaneseness in women: if ever there is the threat of sunshine, they all carry parasols.
This is terrifically elegant, and jolly good news for a southern French milliner I met. In common with most hat shops, his was going bust, until he started stocking parasols, upon which Japanese visitors fell with delight.
GERMAN
German tourists face two problems. The first is their language. The 20m-long words undoubtedly raise hackles outside Germany. The second is that they win everything. German visitors I've met handle this with good humour, modesty and significant amounts of beer. Where I've been, they have a discreet presence on the beach. But they still win at volleyball.
ITALIAN
Undoubtedly, the best-looking tourists. There may be ugly Italians but they don't let them out.
SPANISH
Undoubtedly the noisiest of all holidaymakers. I've heard them drown out Mass in St Peter's. They also eat at times when no one else does (3.45pm, 11.28pm, etc).
RUSSIAN
As a top Cote d'Azur hotelier told me: "They need handling firmly but diplomatically. But, if you get it right, Russians can behave very well."
BRITISH
The politest and most appreciative of all visitors to foreign parts, until things go wrong. They will insist quite shirtily, for instance, that their draught beer is filled up to the line.
