Just ran into Elvis Presley barbecuing a few moa drumsticks with the crew of the Mary Celeste. He swears this is the Blues' year…
There was something both highly watchable and revolting about Ahio's win against the fall guy who refuses to fall easily – Julius Long. The punishment Long took over seven rounds was immense. On sheer exhaustion alone, there were persuasive grounds for Long's corner not to send him out in the seventh but they were ignored and every Ahio punch that landed started to feel like a tranquiliser dart in the rump of an old bull elephant that refused to drop.
Finally one stuck, and worked.
The crowd loved it and there is a case to be made that Ahio did more for his career than Junior Fa, who won a lot of plaudits for his fight against Parker but possibly did little for future pay days (see below).
On the widely disseminated boxrec.com heavyweight world rankings, the 17-0 Ahio now sits just one place below the 19-1 Fa at No 48. Even his camp admits that he still boxes naively, but he's got some tools and likes to attack.
He'll need to take a big step up in class to earn a decent pay day, but it's probably a risk worth taking.
Following an ordinary start to this tenure and a growing clamour from the Valleys, the former Auckland coach found a spot in the "Losers" column last year. After winning an utterly improbable Triple Crown after turning aside a one-dimensional England in Cardiff this weekend, he deserves a plug.
It should be noted that Wales have had a ludicrous amount of luck this season, with red cards effectively gifting them victories against Ireland and Scotland; and some bizarre refereeing helping them establish a big lead against England, but none of that will matter if Pivac can fashion a Six Nations title and a Grand Slam.
He's featured here before and likely will again, so in the interests of brevity, Shane van Gisbergen is a freak who just can't stop winning motor-powered races at the moment.
He was dead right. During this long, extended quote to follow, there is barely a point you could make in rebuttal:
"If you look at tonight's [the Highlanders' Friday night 13-26 loss to the Crusaders] game, that's what's sad about rugby at the minute. We had 60 per cent possession, 60 per cent territory... We only concede eight penalties and they're conceding  penalties and numerous penalty advantages against them and then two yellow cards and they still win. That's the sad thing about footy.
"That's the battle against a quality team; they are not going to give you anything. They are going to shut down all the space and push the letter of the law. Referees are doing their job but I know that they've had five yellow cards in two games, so something isn't working."
You almost had to laugh at the sheer cynicism on display from the Crusaders in the second half.
So why is Brown in the loser's column when he's such a truth teller? Because his team should never have lost.
They did so not because the Crusaders cheated, but because they kept blowing try-scoring opportunities with bone-headed kicks and questionable tactics. Here's a tip: there are more effective ways to beat the Crusaders than through a dysfunctional lineout drive.
When a little more time leaks through the hourglass on this one, I suspect this won't be seen as quite the flop that it has been portrayed as.
Junior Fa fought a good fight and made himself an awkward target but the result was never in doubt.
(There has been some outrage over the scores but given every round is judged like a separate fight, and that each judge is encouraged not to award draws to rounds, is it that surprising that two judges scored it heavily to Parker? In a close round, as a lot of them were, are you going to score it for the busier guy coming forward, or for the defensive guy looking to clinch and disrupt? Two judges obviously decided on the former.)
But Parker never looked like finishing him off and was quite dull in the process. That's a problem.
Parker looked in peak physical condition but openly admitted he couldn't transfer his training into the ring. That's a problem.
It's been a long time since an eye-popping win. That's a big problem.
Parker's team has some big decisions to make ahead of a Dereck Chisora fight in May that will again be labelled "make or break". One of these days, that will end up being true.
Fa carried himself well in the ring, going the distance and frustrating Parker in a fight he was widely expected to lose.
He also carried himself beautifully outside the ring, speaking passionately and articulately about his performance, his autistic son and his pride.
The first issue?
The second issue?
According to a couple of boxing experts talked to after the fight, Fa now falls into the category of not quite good enough to be a title contender and a bit too awkward and rangy to excite the important matchmakers.
AUCKLAND CRICKET FANS
They will end this glorious Black Caps' summer with, at best, three T20Is to savour – against the West Indies, Pakistan and, possibly, Bangladesh.
If you could live a sporting life from scratch, good and bad, would it be Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan? Steven, Glenview, Hamilton
Thanks Steven, a strange question but after careful consideration I'd… "Be Like Mike".
Basketball is a far more dynamic sport, so the competitive highs would be higher, plus you get to muck around for a year trying to be a pro baseballer, so that would be a blast.
The solitary nature of golf is quite appealing, but I'm not sure I could handle more than a month of sharing the same lawn as a bunch of American golfers without wanting to commit a felony crime, so it wouldn't end well.
The controversy and scandal around Woods would have been tougher to deal with, though Jordan had some tough stuff to go through, particularly losing his dad in tragic circumstances mid-career.
So, yes, I'd choose jumps shots over lob wedges.
The Scottish League Cup final was played yesterday and if the very thought of a match-up between Livingston and St Johnstone doesn't get the hair standing up on the back of your neck then you're just like the other 99.9999999 per cent of the population. There was a pretty cool story standing on the sidelines of the match, however.
Spoiler alert: his team lost 0-1 in a match that will evidently be remembered for very little.
The 11-test Ireland prop who died suddenly last week aged 55 will not be remembered as one of the greats of the games but he'll always have a place in it following his two-fisted, one-fingered salute to Sean Fitzpatrick after scoring the opening try of their 1995 World Cup clash.
Halpin dined out on the story, admitting it was his Warholian 15 minutes.
"You cannot believe how much South Africans hate New Zealanders," Halpin would say.
"After that World Cup, I took a trip around South Africa and Zimbabwe. I couldn't go into a pub and put my hand in my pocket, the South Africans loved the whole thing that much... I must have put on two stone in weight."
Iconic.— Cian Tracey (@CianTracey1) February 24, 2021
RIP Gary Halpin.
Very sad news. pic.twitter.com/3oToKwA9Fy
His other great line was to tell people he sidestepped the great Jonah Lomu three times during that match.
"Unfortunately he was holding the ball at the time."
After two sell-outs, it won't be the same, but then again, watching New Zealand play cricket at the Cake Tin has never been about people in the stands. Cheap shot. NZ v Australia, Wednesday, 7pm, Spark Sport. Across on Sky from Thursday, keep a weather-eye on India v England at Ahmedabad. India only need a draw to secure their slot in the World Test Championship final v NZ.
After their nose-to-tail of a season last year, there'll be some intrigue as to how the Chiefs handle a Warren Gatland-less season. Chiefs v Highlanders, Friday, 7pm, Sky Sport.