Off the bench: Now sit back and wait for all the World Cup excuses

By CHRIS RATTUE

You hear some great excuses in courts of law.

One of my favourites was in Whangarei, where a man was charged with entering a mechanics shop through something that wasn't a door then pinching a bunch of spare parts that added up to a complete car.

The police had found a nice set of fingerprints underneath a window, which didn't exactly help his case.

Up popped the lawyer with a marvellous defence.

His client knew a mechanic who worked in the shop, and had visited his mate the week before the car disappeared. They had indulged themselves in a competition to see who could jump the highest, and in the process his client had banged a perfect set of prints under the window. Hey, we all do those sorts of things.

There were, it has to be said, some major holes in the defence. First, John Eales in a cherry-picker would have struggled to get that high.

Secondly, the prints were pointing downwards. Nice try.

You could go on and on about these great legal arguments, and Sir Thomas Eichelbaum has probably heard them all.

But he ain't heard nothing yet.

The former Chief Justice has just leapt into that murky pool known as sport. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it Sir Tom, is to make some sense out of the World Cup fiasco. For his own sanity he should have done a Cullen and dropped it. But accept it he has.

"It's a great challenge and I'm looking forward to it," he might have said, borrowing one of sport's favourite little sayings these days.

The New Zealand Rugby Union has lined him up as prosecutor and adjudicator.

In the process, they've bought a bit of healing time and turned themselves into witnesses rather than defendants. Nice move.

If they've got any brains, they'll arrange for the findings to be released the day after a test match. That way, we'll all be too busy swimming in victory, or drowning in defeat, to notice some silly 5000-page report by a legal eagle.

Without wanting to second guess a great legal mind, here's a bit of Sherlock Holmes. The perpetrator of the crime will turn out to be a system - probably sports' obsession with money. The people who actually create these things will end up as innocent bystanders.

So here are some witnesses, and their stories.

DAVID RUTHERFORD: "We had a lot of injuries and we're rebuilding, so it was all good experience. We got belted this time, but we'll be better for the hit out.

"And I hate to blame referees, but Vernon Pugh always gives us a hard time. However, I never blame referees, even though we've never won a game when Vernon's the ref."

JOHN O'NEILL: "I was an innocent bystander who took no part in the brawl. All hell was breaking loose and the World Cup just fell on the ground. I picked it up to make sure it wasn't damaged. I might have thrown a punch or two, I can't remember. It was such a terrible situation. If I did belt anyone, it was in self-defence, and to save the cup."

VERNON PUGH: "I was nowhere near the scene of the crime. I was at IRB headquarters and there are witnesses to prove it, like Rob Fisher."

TREVOR MALLARD: "I only wanted to put that bottle in a safe place. I would have given it back."

Who knows who else Sir Tom will call? But it's safe to say the lifelong supporters who have made endless toasted sandwiches at their clubs, cared for kids' broken egos and bodies, washed uniforms and carefully planted pictures of Jonah Lomu on their walls won't get a look in.

The high and the mighty will parade before the legal man, and afterwards sport will still spin completely out of control in a maelstrom of misdirected money and power.

If I was allowed to call one witness before Sir Tom it would be Nick Farr-Jones, one of the best halfbacks to play the game. He also won a World Cup for Australia the legitimate way.

His column in the Sunday Star Times last week is required reading.

While emphasising the need for rugby to turn a profit and applauding the "business sense" of the Australian Rugby Union, he gave a reminder that the ideals of sport do not involve turning your back on mates. Here are some excerpts.

* "When I heard the outcome [Australia's sole hosting rights] I should have been jumping for joy, but instead had a somewhat empty feeling."

* "It is acknowledged Australian rugby officials led by managing director John O'Neill have pulled off a great sporting coup. But were our motivations correct?"

* "We should never forget from where we [Australian rugby] have come. They [NZ provinces] dragged us along and, in fact, even bailed our union out financially in the early 70s."

* "If the making of bags of money is the sole driver of decision-makers at international level, then I feel somewhat disillusioned."

* "If we are to continue to claim to be a truly international game, the focus has to move slightly from being bottom-line driven."

Moneybags O'Neill dismissed people such as Ross Turnbull as far-fetched. But even he would have trouble dismissing Farr-Jones.