A is for Anzac and B for biffo

By PAUL THOMAS

Forget the classroom, it's time to dust off the real fans' alternative alphabet of what matters at the World Cup

A IS for the ANZAC spirit which was buried under a huge pile of money during the World Cup sub-hosting shemozzle. Lest we forget.

B IS for BIFFO, a quaint Australian term for foul and violent play of which there will be some, but not as much as the referees and touch judges discern.

C IS for David CAMPESE whose jibes about England's boring play in 1991 goaded the Poms into running the ball in the final, which they did with all the assurance of a debutante ice skater.

D IS for DARKIE, a derogatory and patronising description of a person with a black or brown skin. Such people constitute over a third of the All Blacks squad.

E IS for EXPERIENCE, an attribute most coaches believe is vital to World Cup success. John Mitchell knows better.

F IS for the FLAT EARTH SOCIETY, former All Black selector Peter Thorburn's characterisation of the radio talkback audience. If the All Blacks don't win the World Cup, stand by for a nationwide outbreak of foaming at the mouth.

G IS for George GREGAN and Fabien GALTHIE, two Napoleonic leaders nearing the end of their careers. For one of them at least, it will be a Waterloo sunset.

H IS for John HART who will be part of TV One's commentary team. Welcome news, if for no other reason than it will infuriate some of his critics.

I IS for INJURIES. This is where luck enters the equation. So far the All Blacks have been luckier than most teams: will their luck hold?

J IS for Martin JOHNSON, the dirtiest captain in the game according to K.

K IS for Corne KRIGE, rugby's most striking example of pot calling the kettle black syndrome.

L IS for LAUNCESTON, an Aussie Rules-crazed town in Tasmania and clearly therefore a more appropriate cup venue than say New Plymouth or Invercargill.

M IS for MAULS, the sight of which we'll be heartily sick by the end of the tournament. Who decided to effectively eliminate pushover tries from scrums, part and parcel of the game for 100 years, and encourage rolling mauls? And why?

N IS for NED Kelly, Australia's national hero, a horse and cattle thief who was executed for his crimes.

O IS for John O'NEILL who gave new meaning to the term looking after number one. (See under A.) For reasons best known to themselves, there are non-Australians who think he should be the next chairman of the IRB.

P IS for the late Vernon PUGH, a Welsh town planning QC who used to run the IRB and whose memory will be frequently and piously invoked in the coming weeks.

Q IS for Keith QUINN, who will attempt to disprove the adage that they never come back.

R IS for ROLEX, an extremely expensive brand of watch highly prized by referees.

S IS for SUSIE, a South African waitress who proved as elusive as another fictional character, the Scarlet Pimpernel.

T IS for TABLOIDS, newspapers that specialise in stories about sports stars behaving badly (eg Botham, I., Dallalgio, L., Todd, M.).

U IS for UNTHINKABLE as in the All Blacks not winning the cup, as in failure not being a viable option. (See under F.)

V IS for VERA LYNN, rhyming slang for gin. Assuming our prejudices have any basis in reality, Australia's gin supplies are about to be decimated by blazer-wearing old farts from the four Home Unions.

W IS for Jonny WILKINSON, a seemingly inoffensive young Englishman who will nevertheless be the source of considerable angst among both friend (see under I) and foe.

X IS for X-FACTOR, a term used by lazy and/or inarticulate pundits attempting to explain why some players are better than others

Y IS for YOUTH, which John Mitchell has gambled on. (See under E.) Napoleon wanted generals who were, above all else, lucky. Is Mitchell a lucky coach?

Z IS for ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH which is as much chance as two-thirds of the participants have of winning the tournament. Which is why it's a World Cup in name only.

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