Chris Rattue: Provincial competition? It just doesn't add up

Call me stupid - but this noggin is finding it tougher and tougher to work out how the footy competitions work.

Rugby and league haven't got loony rules and formats to themselves, of course. You'd need to attend a conference on the subject to understand all the American sports conference systems, and as for certain cricket calculations ... well, we won't go there.

But our footy is our footy. It's supposed to be simple. And it's not.

The last time I was this confused was in any maths class past standard three (truth is, even standard three was a bit of a struggle).

The day someone put an X in the top left hand corner of a blackboard and a Y in the bottom right hand corner is the day I dropped out. During applied mathematics, I applied myself to the tennis courts and thought that sport was a beautiful sanctuary away from maths-type madness.

Then along came the McIntyre system.

McIntyre devised a finals system for sports competitions that was allegedly scrupulously fair, but he did it by designing a system that was complex to the point that you wouldn't have a clue whether it was fair or not at first glance.

Yet the NRL has not only lapped up the McIntyre system, it has also introduced a weird points table with byes in it which makes you look forward to the end of the season and the relative simplicity of the McIntyre system.

To be fair to the allegedly fair system, I can just about get a handle on it on a good day, and it is easy to understand from the current point on. Having fought through the jungle, there is a beautiful clearing in the final two weeks.

This week, the Dragons play the Storm and the Bulldogs play the Broncos and the two winners get to meet in the grand final. Wow - it feels really good just saying that.

In contrast, you have to admire the world-famous English football premiership for its simplicity.

For all its excesses and scheduling iniquities, there are two comforting foundation blocks that never change.

The first is that Spurs will always let you down. The second is that it has a format which is dead-easy to understand.

This is the secret to English soccer and its widespread appeal - you can fail standard three maths and even basic English yet you still know how the premiership works and can figure out the points table at a glance.

League, bless its heart, used to be easy to follow. There was a standard points table and a top-five system which was - let's face it - just as fair as McIntyre's Madness, and fairly easy to grasp. Not at the moment, however.

Never let it be said that rugby is outdone by league, and the New Zealand Rugby Union has left no stone unturned in searching for an even more complicated format.

Rugby has had plenty of practice through the Sanzar competitions, where bonus points turn losers into winners.

But there's no standing still in this life; always grand new worlds to conquer. In this, the NZRU has created truly magnificent new frontiers.

Of course, there is method to their madness. Having formed a competition made up of institutionalised haves and have-nots, you've got to find a way of giving hope to the no-hopers.

And if you're going to create a smokescreen, might as well make it a dense one.

What is clear is that the NZRU likes its major domestic competition to be murky.

Put it this way. Wellington came back to beat Canterbury and Auckland did the same to draw with Waikato in a couple of thrillers, and yet most people have absolutely no idea as to the meaning of it all.

The Air New Zealand Cup is a treasure trove if you love pools, seedings, repechages, bonus points, home-and-away ramifications, more pools, points carried over, points not carried over, tie splitters, and so on and so forth. It features break-ups and make-ups of Home and Away proportions.

There are two contrasting approaches to dealing with the Air New Zealand Cup. The first involves setting a weekend aside to learn all about it, creating a limited licence period when you only talk about it with close friends and hope they remain that way, the regular retesting of yourself, and finally a glorious period when you can regale any social gathering with the competition's ins and outs, at the end of which it will no longer be a social gathering.

The second involves trucking along to the games or turning on the telly and forgetting there is a competition at all. Do what the All Blacks don't do and take it one game at a time.

But for those wanting to fast-track their Air New Zealand Cup learning curve, try this: Get a really big blackboard and in the top left hand corner, write down the 14 teams. Next, fill the blackboard with granny's scone recipe, your favourite Robbie Deans quotes, two noughts and crosses games, and a sketch of the Webb Ellis Trophy.

Then, in the bottom right hand corner, write down Auckland, Waikato, Wellington and Canterbury, and on a dangerous day, add in North Harbour and Otago.

Beyond that, you're on your own.