Tom Walsh will defend his shot put Commonwealth Games gold medal in Birmingham. Photo / Photosport
Tom Walsh will defend his shot put Commonwealth Games gold medal in Birmingham. Photo / Photosport
OPINION:
1. Everyone's a winner
The British did extend one courtesy when they, uh, invited us to join their empire: the opportunity to win a bunch of medals every four years.
Last time out on the Gold Coast, New Zealand's 251 athletes claimed 46 medals which, when factoring in team-sportsuccess, meant more than one in five came away from the Games with something shiny to show for their efforts.
In contrast, last year at the Tokyo Olympics, our 212 athletes picked up 20 medals, making it closer to one in 10.
This rudimentary maths - the only type of maths that will be found in this column - is hardly groundbreaking; it turns out the Olympics are more competitive than the Comm Games.
But it does illustrate the appeal of this event, doubling the public's chances to celebrate a Kiwi on the podium. And in this dark year in which the All Blacks have sacked twice as many coaches as they have won games, those 50-odd chances will surely be appreciated.
2. Big guns stay holstered
Here's some more insightful analysis: the reason Kiwis win more medals at the Comm Games is the absence of the Olympics' big guns.
None of the top five nations on the Tokyo medal table will feature on the same standings in Birmingham. Four weren't blessed by British colonisation and the other is Britain, who are broken into separate countries when it comes to the Comms.
Japan and China have enjoyed enough time in the sun by hosting Olympics in the last year, while not having the United States means no jingoism, no Star-Spangled Banner at every other event, no inventive U-S-A chants.
And Russia's exclusion - for real this time - means we don't have to abide the farcical situation of their state-sponsored doping regime being punished with a bit of Tchaikovsky every time they took gold.
There is, I'm guessing, very little state-sponsored doping at the Friendly Games. Instead, the Commonwealth countries provide fun drug scandals, like Northern Irish sprinter Leon Reid being denied a place in Birmingham after allowing his flat to be used to produce crack cocaine. (Editor's note: it is not the Herald's position that crack is "fun".)
3. It's not about the Benjamins
Kiwi sprinter Zoe Hobbs. Photo / Photosport
The absence of the non-Commonwealth countries is a boon for some Kiwi athletes more than others. Zoe Hobbs, for example, still has to contend with Jamaica in the 100m, while David Liti benefits from one superhuman Georgian being far too powerful for the British to even think about colonising.
Then there's the sportspeople we don't currently know much about, those with no realistic shot at Olympic glory but who nonetheless can now receive a well-deserved reward for a career of hard work and dedication.
Those athletes, much like the Games itself, aren't chasing riches. And they're the ones who make a compelling case for the continuing existence of the Comm Games, an event not driven by the bottom line and, as a result, not riven by corporate interests or corruption, unlike certain other quadrennial sporting contests.
And it is still a contest, still filled with winners and losers. Just with more Kiwis in the former category.
4. More sports we play (and fewer we don't)
Assisting in that is the inclusion of a few sports that might be better suited to Kiwi success than skateboarding or rock climbing.
Or perhaps we can put it another way: a few sports that might be better suited to being called sports than skateboarding or rock climbing.
Those newbies did add a fun wrinkle to Tokyo 2020, even if it's rather debatable whether they achieved the desired effect of attracting the TikTok generation or whatever.
But given the option, surely New Zealanders would prefer to see some of the classics we'll be treated to in Birmingham, like squash, cricket, netball and, of course, lawn bowls.
Squash in particular strikes as a bizarre Olympic omission, and I'm not just saying that because we're going to win multiple gold medals in the event.
The Olympics is open to every other racket sport imaginable - including tennis, which not even tennis players want - and yet squash has never been featured, despite being played throughout the world.
The Olympics' loss in the Comms Games' gain, however, and Paul Coll will offer far more excitement than any *thinks back to high school* kickflip.
5. We'll always have Ballarat
A sign in Birmingham promoting the Commonwealth Games. Photo / Getty
Did you know Birmingham has more miles of canals than Venice? Or that it was the birthplace of the postage stamp?
You do now, and without the Commonwealth Games these fascinating facts would have remained hidden, and your lives would have been much worse.
Sure, the Olympics get the glamour locations like Tokyo and Paris, but no one's really impressed by those stock-standard tourist destinations, with their world-famous landmarks and wealth of history.
What's really impressive is how the Comm Games shines a little light on the unsung cities, providing those cities are in either the United Kingdom or Australia. And that will be especially true when the Games shift back downunder in four years' time.
The boring Olympics move would have been to simply host the event in Melbourne, one of the world's great sporting metropolises. But think of all the fun facts the suburbs of Victoria must hold.
Why's it called Gippsland? And how many canals are there in Ballarat? I for one can't wait to find out.
