Paul Sumner writes: "What do pies and Paul Simon have in common? I suspect he would be mortified if he knew he was on a crappy old building in Gordonton Rd, Hamilton."

Popcorn out of control

Steve bought the largest bucket of popcorn (it was "better value") and went into the cinema. He decided he wanted to go to the loo before the film started and couldn't find a shelf to put it on in the washroom so he put it on the floor and ducked into a cubicle. While he was in the loo he heard someone wash their hands and start the hand-drier. Unfortunately, Steve had put the popcorn on the floor directly beneath the hand-drier and he came out of the cubicle to find a man standing in a sea of popcorn. There was some in his hair and even some on the ceiling.

Special prizes at the Olympics


Kim Dolan's 4-year-old came out with this one: "Did you know at the Olympics you can win metals? First is gold, second is silver and third is blondes."

Horn and fingers at the ready

Licence 1: When Kyrie went for her car class 2 licence an oncoming driver abruptly turned into a service station in front of her. "I simultaneously braked, geared down, hit the horn and gave him the fingers. I got my licence."

Kangaroo hops no problem

Licence 2: "Back in 1963 and fresh out from London, I took my driving test with a copper up in Whenuapai, in a clapped-out Austin 7. I moved off and induced a series of violent kangaroo leaps through sloppy clutch control. He said, 'Sometimes the clutches on these are swine, aren't they?' and proceeded to quiz me on how I could stand driving around London with its diabolical traffic. Test passed, no problem."

Three tests in one

Licence 3: "In 1966, I went to the Henderson MOT to get my licence. I passed the theory and so went on to get the practical. In the driving instructor's car I was joined by two others, also taking their test, and the MOT traffic cop. We were told they were very busy and all three of us had to be tested at the same time. I was up first and was told to drive along the road and stop, the second person was told to drive up the hill and stop and the third person was told to reverse into a driveway and drive back to the HQ which he did. It was all over in about 15 minutes and we all passed. Oh the good old days!"