Thoughts and prayers must surely be with Donald Trump this week following the release of the Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election, aka The Mueller Report, which totally vindicates the president over everything ever. According to him.

Well, not actually the report. A four-page letter summarising and paraphrasing it. But Trump says it's all good and we've learnt in the past few years just how much faith we can put in what he says.

Trump reacted with his customary understated modesty and good grace to the summary, finding time to thank all those who helped along the way, including the media: "The Fake News Media has lost tremendous credibility with its corrupt coverage of the illegal Democrat Witch Hunt of your all-time favourite duly elected President, me! TV ratings of CNN & MSNBC tanked last night after seeing the Mueller Report statement. @FoxNews up BIG!"


Fine sentiments, expressed with the unique poetry and idiosyncratic capitalisation we've come to expect from the President.

In its style if not its sentiment, it's not unreminiscent of previous posts about the former FBI director: "Universities will someday study what highly conflicted (and NOT Senate approved) Bob Mueller and his gang of Democrat thugs have done to destroy people. Why is he protecting Crooked Hillary, Comey, McCabe, Lisa Page and her lover, Peter S and all of his friends on the other side?"

What a relief that that piece of lowlife pond scum turned out to be a noble warrior in the cause of truth and Trump after all. Confused? I think that's the idea.

Official celebrations of the report have been restrained so far. The row of flaming crosses on the White House lawn speaks volumes in its simplicity, sending just the right message. And dozens are expected to attend a thanksgiving mass celebrated by Ted Nugent at the nearest Chuck E Cheese.

And so the presidency is secure. By some magic the Mueller result extends its gift of absolution beyond the matter of Russian collusion to take in questions about payments to porn stars and violations of the rules about personally profiting from the presidency. Now he will have time to go down to the basement and hunt out those tax returns he's been meaning to get onto for ages. And he can call his old school and ask them what they were thinking refusing to release his high-school records a couple of weeks ago.

He'll get out that nice stationery Michelle Obama forgot to take with her and write notes of apology to the families of private individuals he's insulted. And he'll tell white supremacists once and for all that the doesn't really believe there are bad white supremacists and good ones.

He'll diary prison visits to all 34 people who've been indicted along the way by Mueller. Perhaps a bit of travel – go and see some of those shit-hole countries for himself. Maybe double down on withdrawing press accreditation for media representatives who disagree with him. Think up some new zingers to put down that dead loser and professional prisoner John McCain. Continue to strengthen relationships with best buds Vladimir Putin and Prince Mohammed bin Something Something Something. Figure out what that weird woman in New Zealand meant about "sympathy and love for Muslim communities". Learn the words to the national anthem and God Bless America.

Of course, not all of this is explicitly contained in the four-page summary of the Mueller report, but as so often with Trump, you have to read between the lines.