Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of transgender bathrooms

Family first

We the undersigned, who are of sound mind and bowels, which are in excellent working order and only ever evacuate their contents in the correctly marked doors indicating ladies and gents, wish to shove our big sticky beaks into lavatories.

Private business is conducted in these spaces but we firmly believe that all activities concerned with the doings and drainages of the human body should be made blazingly public.

We are firmly opposed to transgender females from using girls' and women's facilities such as toilets and changing rooms.

If they really yearn for a feminine experience during their ablutions then all they need to do is buy an eight-pack of scented Lux Soap Purple Magical Spell for $5 at Countdown and take it with them next time they feel the need to go.

We also have advice on air fresheners and super-soft tissue.

As for changing rooms, that's simply not negotiable. Our firm policy is that we oppose all forms of change.

Donald Trump
Our toilets and changing rooms are in a mess. A terrible mess. I'll be honest with you, folks, they are in very, very bad order, the plumbing, the safety catches, everything, I personally never use the toilet and can't remember the last time I did, I'd rather let it build up inside me, which is why I kind of walk funny and you may have noticed Melania doesn't like to get too close.

I will clean up our toilets and changing rooms.

We have people, incredible people, Mexicans actually, who are ready to move in with their mops and soaps and tacos, and fix the problem. By the way they will also fix crime. But bathrooms come first, and that's why my administration has ruled against transgender students using toilets which correspond to their gender.

They can't just pick and choose like that. Obama, Obama let them go where they wanted to go when they needed to go, and in the confusion, things went down the toilet.

It's not just in America. It's happening everywhere. You look at what's happening in Sweden. Sweden. Who would believe this? Sweden. I mean they probably don't even have a word for transgender, they're a simple people, not a lot of talking, some ski-ing I imagine, Abba, Abba had their moments, but you look at Abba and you know which ones are women and which ones are men, but all that changed with the transgender situation, also the transgender militant Islamic situation, and now Sweden is having problems like they never thought possible according to this scrap of paper just given to me by my good friend Carson Tucker from Fox TV, and by the way that brown material dribbling out of my ears and mouth isn't what you might think it is, folks.

Jacinda Ardern
I was on the campaign trail in Mt Albert with Julie Anne Genter and we were both busting to go and we saw a public toilet, and I said, "For the sake of good coalition relationships, you go first."

Julie Anne Genter
And I said, "No, the Greens are very much the junior partner, you go first."

Jacinda Ardern
So I was about to burst through the door but a transgender person came along and asked us if they could use it even though no one was in the men's and of course we both said yes.

Bill English
As interim Prime Minister I don't have the time to comment on transgender people in New Zealand bathrooms because I'm only in office till September 23, however I do have the time to pledge that I will improve the quality of water in New Zealand bathrooms by redefining the word "quality", and the flow-on effect is that 90 per cent of toilets will flush by 2040.

I will now lie down in a dark room.