After facing relentless and unsustainable pressure from his own boredom threshold, John Key announced this week that he is quitting as Prime Minister and CEO of New Zealand.

He swiftly anointed Bill English as his successor, leading to suggestions that Bill English would be effortlessly crowned Prime Minister. It soon transpired that Judith Collins and Jonathan Coleman would put their names forward to the National Party caucus, ensuring there would be a brief distraction before Bill English was effortlessly crowned Prime Minister.

And so it will be Bill - our first English Prime Minister since Walter Nash - but what had the other candidates, along with the pair who have announced they're running for deputy, Paula Bennett and Simon Bridges, been preparing to say to their parliamentary colleagues in Monday's caucus meeting?

My ruthless, shadowy, hackster informant Lambshank - who has refused to answer questions this week about whether or not he was John Key all along and just wanted something to keep him awake during the last election - has wetsuited up and plunged deep into the hard drives of the pretenders, thieving digital files containing draft speeches.


Because it is 2016, I have done nothing to verify the authenticity of these documents but they seem about right to me.

They are excerpted - and note the surname clustering, which proves irrefutably that those early on the school roll are given a big advantage in life - in alphabetic order below.

English Bill can count himself lucky, especially, that Collins never did get a chance to make her case.