Picture yourself floating down the Courtenay Place lazy river in brilliant sunshine, before joining a public conga line to chocolate fish ponds born of broken water mains in your agapanthus-free city.
Welcome to Wellington’s future under a Josh Harford mayoralty, should voters’ ticks land next to the Silly Hat Party candidate’s name in October.
Harford – campaign slogan “Less jesting, more Joshing” – is among thousands standing in the triennial local body elections around the country this October.
Most candidates have more mainstream plans in mind, such as keeping a lid on rates, improving services, increasing economic growth and managing the environmental impacts of people and business on our cities, towns and settlements.
But not all.
Along with less jesting and more joshing, optimism is one of the three main pillars of Harford’s unconventional platform under a party whose ultimate aim is to turn the capital away from the New Zealand dollar to a chocolate fish economy.
“We know how important optimism is to daily life”, he wrote on his campaign website.
“This is why we are mandating optimism in all areas of government, starting with council.”
This would be achieved through ice plunges on the city’s waterfront, to increase Wellingtonians’ appreciation of their city’s beauty, along with the criminalisation of slow walking and the eradication of the vigorously growing agapanthus plant.
“[This is] to prevent punching down on plants that can’t stand up for themselves.”
A lazy river along the city’s premier entertainment street, rain dances to ensure sunny skies, and sails to redirect Wellington’s wind to Upper Hutt are also promised, as is legally enforcing “no hat, no play” through fines of two chocolate fish or 38 star jumps dished out by the Ministry of Fun Police.
Fellow unorthodox candidate Pennywize the Rewilding Clown is also sizing up the capital’s mayoral chains, with a suite of policies mixing comedy and critique in true court jester tradition.
Herds of moa on land and giant eels in the water would be harnessed to revolutionise public transport and tackle congestion, according to the clown’s website, which is run by campaign manager James Barber.
The trailblazing breakthroughs needed to reverse extinction/ genetically enhance each species respectively would come from “the prowess of our smartest scientists, who have been poorly treated and neglected by the current coalition Government”, Pennywize wrote.
“Genetically enhanced tuna [eels] will be our awa [river] tuna – you will no longer rumble down Adelaide Rd on a lurching double-decker bus, you will be surging up and down the Waitangi awa on the backs of giant tuna.
“To complement this on the flat lands, we will have our … moa pathways. No longer will the golden mile be a traffic jam … you will instead be leaping on the back of a passing moa.”
Pennywize also offered a solution to Wellington’s water-pipe woes by returning the city’s Basin to swamp, which would include “daylighting the entirety of the Waitangi awa”.
“At the moment, this awa runs in three pipes under the road, creating pressure on our storm-water network. Daylighting will tackle the problems of extreme flood.”
Meanwhile, Dunedin voters are also being offered a serving of Silly Hat Party joviality, with mayoral candidate Flynn Nisvett promising he’ll “never back down in fighting for a Dunner Stunner”.
“I refuse to believe Dunedin needs to be this cold all of the time”, Nisvett wrote on Silly Hat’s campaign website, promising to carpet roads, a community-wide effort to knit a blanket over the Octagon and put heaters on every street except – for unexplained reasons – the student haven of Castle St.
“With our full unemployment, all-week weekend policy, people will need something to do. The blanket will ensure everybody is contributing and will make going to town much safer for the student population, who are often cold and sickly.”
Taking inspiration from the Government’s gang patch ban, his mayoralty would also mandate Ministry of Fun Police seizing the wings of sandflies at the beach, Nisvett wrote.
He also promised a new “secret Dunedin Hospital” because it was “nobody else’s business what the doctor does to you”.
Another character working to capture voters’ attention before October’s election is former New Plymouth mayoral candidate Murray McDowell, who is seeking a seat in the New Plymouth District Council’s Kaitake-Ngāmotu ward under the name Mullet Muzz McDowell.
“That took some doing getting my name recorded like that,” he told RNZ.
If elected, he’d apply his one simple policy – “honesty”, the former truck and trailer operator said.
Among McDowell’s rivals is Mike Morresey, known as The Flag Man thanks to the 6m Taranaki Bulls flag he’s waved at the side’s games for decades.
The Bulls’ super fan promised a practical, community-first approach if elected – and not to use his outside voice, RNZ reported.
“I’ll have to be a little quieter … but I’m very passionate about my community.”
Over the water in Tasman, a man calling himself Max Clark is running for mayor.
But the same man, this time switching from his middle name, Maxwell, to his first name, Andrew, is also on the mayoral ticket in Invercargill, at the opposite end of the South Island.
Add to that, his brother Nobby Clark is the sitting mayor.
The double dip has turned heads in the southern city, including that of the sitting mayor, who is himself familiar with controversy after using the n-word and making a homophobic slur in a TV interview, and later commenting on a female MC’s appearance and competence at a United Fire Brigades’ Association event.
“I thought he was taking the mickey”, Nobby Clark – who isn’t seeking re-election – told RNZ.
But Tasman-based Clark told Ryan Bridge on Herald NOW he was capable of doing both jobs “if that’s what the public would like”, and saw “huge advantages” in both councils – each carrying debt – having his knowledge and experience.
He’d pay for his flights up and down the island, Clark said on Friday.
“Is it any different from MPs in one area flying up to Wellington for four days of the week and doing their business and going back home? Not really, in my view.”
Others joining the race to local leadership this October include former Green MP Nandor Tanczos, a current Whakatāne District councillor who is among six vying for the eastern Bay of Plenty district’s mayoralty.
And former MP Jami-Lee Ross last week announced he was running for Auckland’s Howick Local Board in the Flat Bush subdivision.
The former National Party whip – whose time in Parliament was dogged by allegations of bullying and sexual harassment – quit the party in 2018 while on the verge of being kicked out after a report concluded he was most likely the leaker of confidential party information, something he’s always denied.
Ross later accused former party leader Simon Bridges of orchestrating a cover-up of a donation fraud – denied by Bridges and National – with Ross later acquitted in a Serious Fraud Office trial over two $100,000 donations to the party.
In 2023, Newsroom reported Ross was running escort agency Sapphire Blue, with accusations that some workers weren’t being kept safe or supported, which Ross denied.
Several other high-profile Kiwis are chasing electoral triumph this year, including broadcaster Marcus Lush (Invercargill City Council seat), actor, writer and director Oscar Kightley (Henderson-Massey Local Board) and former TVNZ Europe correspondent Mark Crysell (Waitematā Local Board).
Meanwhile, the brother of former All Black Keven Mealamu – former Samoan rugby international Luke Mealamu, who now owns a large security firm – is standing for Auckland Council’s Manukau ward under Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown’s Fix Auckland ticket.
Cherie Howie is an Auckland-based reporter who joined the Herald in 2011. She has been a journalist for more than 20 years and specialises in general news and features.