Together in grief

Support team: Students were quick to find strength in numbers, consoling each other at James Webster's funeral. Photo / Doug Sherring

Three King's College students have died this year, leaving fellow pupils struggling to cope with their grief. Geoff Cumming talks to experts who help students deal with loss in the school community

When many of today's parents and grandparents were at school, a death in the classroom - be it student or staff - was treated like a disease. It was something to be got over quickly, the less said the better. As for counsellors, few schools had them and only "soft" kids went to see them.

You did your grieving behind closed doors, alone.

Schools these days have nowhere to hide - cellphone texting and the internet mean that any serious incident instantly goes far beyond the school gate. And schools have leapt arguably further than technology in the ways they help students and staff cope with trauma and grief.

They know the importance of identifying and monitoring vulnerable students and staff; of giving them opportunities to talk about their feelings; of getting back to normal routines as soon as possible.

They may as well be prepared. Today's schools are more vulnerable to violent incidents and students more prone to bullying - and to extra-curricular activities that may end disastrously.

Recent events - including a stabbing, a drowning, a knife-wielding student and, at King's College in Auckland, a spate of unrelated deaths - have thrown a spotlight on how schools perform in the emotion-charged area of pastoral care. So far, they seem to be achieving with merit.

Most large secondary schools now have emergency plans and policies for dealing with disaster. Professional counsellors generally take a leading role in responding to incidents, advising the principal and senior staff.

Even so, principals can call in a Ministry of Education "traumatic incident team" to provide advice and guidance at the peak of a crisis.

After the third recent death at King's, of 15-year-old Michael Treffers, principal Bradley Fenner this week called in a ministry team to help at the school.

The trauma teams - there are 16 around the country - provide advice and help the school's management take control in the early aftermath of a serious incident such as a death, serious injury or violent incident. They may provide or arrange specialist help for several months after an event. While schools plan and train for such emergencies, these events tend to be random and the first hours afterwards are typically chaotic. Experienced extra hands are welcome.

Counsellors from other Auckland schools have also lent a hand at King's this week, as they did following the death a fortnight ago of 16-year-old James Webster.

One was Andrew Wood, a counsellor at Elim Christian School, which two years ago lost seven pupils in the Mangatepopo canyoning disaster. He's worked with students, parents and staff in what has been a long process to adjust to the loss of seven young lives, a loss he says will stay forever with those closest to the children.

Wood says a classmate or teacher's death may be the first experience of death at close quarters for school children.

"They are understandably quite dazed and shocked; it really throws them. If you haven't experienced the loss of someone close, you probably haven't experienced those really deep emotions. So, having counsellors available to normalise what's happening is really important - just saying it's okay and talking through what's going on for them."

Wood, who also has a part-time private practice, says grief comes in waves following a traumatic loss.

"I liken it to standing in the surf and a big wave knocks you over. You go upside down in the ocean and gradually get your footing and get orientated and then another wave comes along. Grief can be like that and at times you think you are going mad."

He says the ministry teams are highly valued. "They are very good at asking 'have you decided what to do about this?'. At Elim, they just talked us through the process, reminded us of things we needed to attend to. They continued to come back for a term afterwards and I know the school management team really appreciated their input."

Wood says one of the first moves suggested by the trauma teams at Elim and King's was to identify and monitor close friends of the deceased who may be at risk. He says outside groups like Victim Support also play a valuable role after incidents.

THROUGHOUT a long teaching career in Australia and now at King's College in Auckland, Bradley Fenner had few traumatic crises to deal with - until three unrelated student deaths in the past four months. Like most schools, King's has plans and policies in place to respond to critical incidents and support students and staff. As a faith-based school, its two chaplains and school counsellor are central figures, says Fenner.

But after Treffers' death, he saw the need for "numbers on the ground" and called in a traumatic incident team. The ministry team met key staff twice daily in the first few days to talk through issues, identify at-risk students and staff and ensure resources were provided.

Fenner says the whole school community has been affected. "Even those who may not have known this last boy all that well immediately start to relive some of the traumas they experienced if they were close to one of the previous people."

Students also appreciate being able to speak to outsiders. "Just to be able to unload what they're thinking on someone who they may not see again can actually assist them to express what they want to say. It's most important that the students are able to talk about these things."

He says the college was in a state of combined grief and disbelief in the first days after the latest death. "I think our students and staff have been superb in the way they've supported each other and the care and compassion they've shown."

The school recognises the need to communicate quickly with those most affected after an event, including staff, students and parents. King's held a special assembly after each incident to tell students what occurred and what steps the school was taking.

The speed with which information gets out creates some challenges but communicating electronically can be a great asset, Fenner says.

In a letter to parents posted on the school website midweek, he stressed the importance of returning to regular routines in order to move forward. He noted that the ministry team was supporting the school to provide "containment, support and thorough assessment" of students and they would be given the opportunity to talk about Treffers' sudden death. Teachers would keep watch on students who may be most affected. The letter supplied contact numbers for school staff and telephone counselling websites.

The school tries to allow for different responses to loss, he says. "Sometimes, some of those who are closest don't initially appear to be affected. Some may be traumatised immediately. Others will be hit some way down the track so you have to keep the support available for an extended period."

Parents have been asked to monitor children and their friends closely and let the school know of any concerns. There's recognition that those playing key roles in dealing with trauma may also need support, he says. Counselling is available for both students and staff.

Fenner has been buoyed by the assistance offered from schools around Auckland, including counsellors, and messages of support from around the country. Adversity can have positive spin-offs, he says.

"It's evident from comments from many parents that this has been a catalyst for some really worthwhile discussions between parents and their children. At a time when teenagers are attempting to assert their independence and distance themselves from their parents, this has provided an opportunity to talk about some of the big issues in life. Another positive from my perspective is the level of support that's come from our own community and from people with whom we have no connection whatsoever. I've had many messages from people who just wanted to share their sympathy or express condolences in our grieving and let us know that we're not alone. That's been quite heartwarming.

"To have a sequence like this is very challenging, but you see the strength of the school community, you see the heart of the community and it's a strong one and it has kept beating throughout this."

ELIM'S Wood says students also employ their own support networks in a crisis. "For the first few days counsellors are available but in many ways are just there to give support to particular individuals. The students actually console themselves - they talk and write tributes to the friend that died and they look after themselves well. Then in the following days and weeks, when students are really struggling with the loss of the classmates, that's when they tend to see the professionals."

Wood says the aftermath of Mangatepopo has been like a journey - one which began with shock, a succession of funerals and a public service. A parent-led memorial service one year after the tragedy helped to "settle" the school community. But events before and after, including an OSH inquiry and coroner's inquest, have brought the loss back - along with media attention. What we found was our language changed. Phrases like 'closure' and 'get over your grief and move on' are actually most unhelpful, because you don't move on, you don't leave your grief behind.

"The loss of a child is something that goes with you. So we developed a language of 'we work with our grief, our grief works with us' and it's a journey we go on together. The families now just continue their lives ... with that hole in [their] hearts that stays there forever."

"My heart goes out to [the King's] school community - three deaths within as many months. It's going to take all of this year and more to try and get back into some kind of normality.

ROLL OF TRAUMA
Incidents affecting school children:

April 2008: Seven students from Elim Christian College die on canyoning trip in Mangatepopo Gorge.

Nov 2008: Kerikeri High student Libby Templeman murdered.

March 2009: Teacher at Avondale College stabbed by international student.

March 2009: 12-year-old student at Tauranga Intermediate dies.

April 2009: Two Katikati College students, Michael Powell and Harley Gillespie, die in separate incidents.

April 2009: Teacher at St Paul's Collegiate, Hamilton, found dead.

May 2009: 11-year-old boy getting off school bus in Matamata dies when hit by car.

August 2009: Wairoa College student drowns while on picnic with friends.

Nov 2009: Havelock North High student Robert Waikari, 17, and St John's College old boy Max Harman, also 17, die in car crash at Taradale, Hawkes Bay.

Feb 2010: King's College boarder William Thode, 15, dies in bed of a viral infection.

April 2010: Tangaroa College student, 18, drowns on field trip at Muriwai.

May 2010: 13-year-old boy stabs maths teacher in front of 23 students at Te Puke High.

May 2010: Grieving schoolgirl threatens classmates with knives after alleged bullying at Hamilton Girls' High.

May 2010: King's College student James Webster, 16, dies after drinking bottle of vodka.

May 2010: King's College student Michael Treffers, 15, dies.