Surreal days in the big smoke

By BILLY ADAMS

SYDNEY - It's mildly disconcerting to wake up, as I did yesterday, to the stinging stench of smoke filling the bedroom.

But it was okay. My house wasn't on fire. The whole of New South Wales was.

At least that's how it has seemed in the past week.

If the shocking images on our TV screens are to be believed, we are surrounded by a fiery monster bent on total destruction.

Yet the only visible evidence of the chaos a few kilometres away is a lingering, polluted haze which is slowly smothering the summer.

And, of course, black rain.

It came on Christmas Day, which I spent with hundreds of others on a sun-soaked Bronte Beach.

First, our endless blue sky was slowly eaten up by a blanket of smoke advancing high over the city.

The smell came later, followed by the surreal sight of ash floating down on to sunbathers wearing Santa hats.

It was like a light snowfall, only the wrong colour.

"I've heard of a white Christmas, but this is ridiculous," said my brother Stuart as a scorched gum leaf landed on his sunburned head.

And so began the appropriately named Black Christmas of 2001.

It's been a strange festive season. The haze refuses to leave. The distinct summer aroma of prawns on the barbie has been gatecrashed by an unwelcome putrid cousin.

Yesterday morning it seemed as though the cousin had invited all his relatives as the fog hung lower and thicker, and smoke wafted down streets.

This panicked thousands of people who overloaded the emergency 000 number, believing their homes were in imminent danger of burning down.

Good news, though, for backpackers.

For much of the day you could barely see from one end of Bondi Beach to the other, but it was still packed with hordes of near-naked tourists trying out the latest leisure pursuit - smoke bathing.

And what of the health implications?

There are more coughs, more runny noses, more smelly people.

And more numbers. Health experts say the normal air pollution level is 20, the recommended safety level 50 and the week's average about 230.

I've got no idea what the numbers mean but I'm sure they're not good.

So bad that asthma sufferers have been told to stay indoors.

But what can you do? I suspect those who bought gas masks after September 11 are having a satisfied chuckle to themselves.

And me? I'm off to buy a bubble suit.