Easter is all about the giving of something more important than anything in life – chocolate. The Easter Bunny is here to provide treats for special boys and girls, as follows. Enjoy!
A MIQ suite made out of chocolate for: The Wiggles. Welcome to New Zealand! Have as much chocolate as you want – and when you want. Jacinda Ardern will be your MIQ concierge. Anything you want, just ask. She will get it for you. She will get it ahead of everyone else for you. If she's busy, she will get Chris Hipkins to get it for you. If Chris Hipkins is busy, the Prime Minister will find a practical solution. She's very good at that.
A vaccine made out of chocolate for: Dr Shane Reti. Dr Shane is resistant to the vaccine. He doesn't want to jump the queue and take advantage of his position as an MP. His motto is: "No, after you. I'm more than happy to wait." Oh, go on, Dr Shane! Get in there. Your country needs you to function as the deputy leader of a moribund political party that no one takes the slightest bit of notice of anymore.
A house made out of chocolate for: the New Zealand housing market. The roof is made out of chocolate, and leaks. The floor is made out of chocolate, and it's sinking. The windows are made out of chocolate, and they're sticky. Let's start the bidding at $1m. Okay. $2m. Okay. $3m, $4m, $5m ... Sold to the investor who wishes to bowl it down, and develop chocolate townhouses with no parking.
A curfew made out of chocolate for: the Highlanders. Six players were stood down after they went into the Dunedin city centre last Friday night, enjoyed a loud couple of hours, then went to a house which became the subject of a noise complaint. Noise-control staff were called and police also attended. Tsk-tsk but so what! Inside the curfew made out of chocolate is a few beers.
A knighthood made out of chocolate for: Sir Ron Brierley: Give it back.
A rose made out of chocolate for Moses Mackay: The last thing that the star of The Bachelor will do with a rose made out of chocolate is eat it. The series ended on Wednesday night after 14 episodes of such chaste behaviour that it was like an advertisement for virginity. But the one thing he will certainly do with a rose made out of chocolate is respect it. He will appreciate its journey. He will understand where it's coming from. He will talk from the depths of his soul about the rose made out of chocolate and take no notice if it melts.
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A champagne flute made out of chocolate for: Jevan Gaulter. Jevan made the headlines this week when he was revealed as the rat who snitched on an Auckland businessman in a criminal trial. The businessman had been accused of indecent assault. Jevan tried to pay off the complainant. He ended up facing charges of attempting to pervert the course of justice until he agreed to give evidence against the businessman in exchange for saving his own skin. You may think of Jevan as everything that's rotten about Auckland – the insane clothes, the Instagram pictures of toasting his success with a flute of champagne, the wild ambition to achieve personal wealth without an inch of talent or integrity – but everyone deserves a nice Easter break, and the Easter Bunny is all about generosity. Please accept this flute, Jevan! We all know that rats love chocolate.